Life
Few people enjoy conflict (unless they’re Larry David or Miranda Priestley), and because most don’t want to make waves or upset their partner, some couples just won’t address issues in their relationship. With this in mind, I asked two relationship experts to share the most most common conflicts couples ignore, but shouldn't.
While there are five specific topics that show up again and again, some couples avoid any disagreements. This sounds peaceful in theory, but can actually be damaging to a relationship.
“Perhaps the biggest conflict avoided of all is conflict itself,” Steve Kane, author of F*** It. Get A Divorce: The Guide For Optimists, tells Romper. “Many relationships falter or even fail because one or both partners simply recoil at the idea of resolving conflicts. It almost doesn't matter what the specifics of the conflict are — we can't resolve whether to turn the air conditioning on or off if we shrink at the idea that we may have to openly air a difference and engage in proactive conflict resolution.”
It can feel easier to let issues slide without addressing them in a proactive way but this avoidance can grow, “to the point where your relationship ends up feeling like an emotional minefield,” relationship coach Chuck Rockey tells Romper. “Regularly discussing issues can bring you and your partner closer and make being together feel like a safer, more enjoyable place to be.”
Read on for five common conflicts couples tend to avoid, and tips for talking about these issues constructively to ultimately strengthen your relationship.
4
Parenting
Even couples who are totally in sync when it comes to parenting styles can face conflicts surrounding their kids. Maybe one half of the couple feels like they do more work, for example, or are never given the chance to be the "fun parent." Maybe there are different ideas about what age it's appropriate to give a kid a phone or let them spend the night at a friend's house. Whatever it may be, it's always best to address the issue privately (away from the kids) and to speak frankly, but kindly.
"We humans are a very compassionate and empathetic species. We have a very basic, almost DNA-level urge to make people we care about happy," Kane says. It can be hard to say to your partner that you need them to handle school pick-up more often, or that you'd really appreciate some one-on-one time with your kiddo, because you don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel inadequate. But it works both ways, and you partner will likely appreciate being privy to your feelings. "Knowing what [your partner] is struggling with in the moment can increase empathy and allow you to better support them in whatever they're going through," Rockey says.
5
Work-Related Issues
Work can creep into a relationship easily, especially if a couple has very different hours or one's in a very stressful job. "Often one person’s work hours intrude on what their partner hopes would be together time. This can be caused by a high workload, perfectionism, different expectations or values when it comes to work," Rockey says.
While you can't expect your partner to totally change their work schedule or ignore their responsibilities, you can have a fair conversation about how to maximize the time you do spend together.
Try to take the 'I'm-right-you're-wrong' tone out of the discussion. "Whether it’s in a silly, small conflict discussion or some earth-shattering huge issue, try to always frame the dialogue as being about 'we' and 'us.' If it’s at all possible, add a layer of humor. By maintaining humility and a sense of humor, you immediately show love and start the conflict discussion with a mellower tone. You de-escalate before anything has escalated," Kane says.
6
It’s unrealistic, and possibly even unhealthy, to think that a couple will never argue, so try not to feel like there's anything wrong with your relationship just because you hit a bump in the road.
“No two humans are so perfectly suited to each other that there are no conflicts,” Kane tells Romper. And whether the conflict is small and momentary, like who has to drive the carpool, or big and life-changing, like whether or not to have children at all, “every couple should know that disagreements can be peacefully and respectfully aired and eventually resolved maybe by pillow talk, maybe by shouting," Kane says. "Different couples have different dynamics!”
Experts:
Steve Kane, Author of F*** It. Get A Divorce: The Guide For Optimists,
Chuck Rockey, Relationship Coach