You might not immediately associate Valentine's Day with humor, but the holiday actually has plenty of potential for laughs. In fact, there's even a classic song with the words "funny" and "valentine" in the title... although "My Funny Valentine" is sort of a depressing song, so maybe never mind about that. More reliably laughter-inducing are the many hilarious Valentine's Day quotes floating around in the pop-culture abyss, from TV shows and writers and all-around funny people that also happen to be super relatable. Because the funniest things are true, after all.
And sure, some of these quotes are a bit on the ever-so-slightly bitter side. But even if you're happily married now, chances are you've experienced your share of less-than-stellar Valentine's Days. Whether you spent too many V. Days alone or went through a particularly bad breakup on the holiday or suffered some other form of humiliation or indignation or whatever else, you'll definitely find yourself chuckling (sobbing) in recognition at the quotes below.
Maybe you're looking for something to write in a Valentine's Day card, or a social media post, or a text. Maybe you're just trying to get yourself in the mood for the holiday (well, obviously not that kind of mood, because these are silly quotes, not sexy). At the end of the day, you don't really need a reason to read a bunch of funny quotes about how much love stinks sometimes... even if your love life doesn't stink at the moment.
1. "Happy Valentine's Day, no one." — Liz Lemon, '30 Rock'
Ain't no Valentine's Day like a Liz Lemon Valentine's Day cause a Liz Lemon Valentine's Day is super sarcastic and probably involves lots of cheese. The 30 Rock heroine was hardly sentimental.
2. "If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin
As quoted in Redbook, this classic Lily Tomlin witticism is pretty profound for a joke. Of course, when you imagine Tomlin delivering the line in her trademark dry style, it's flat-out funny.
2. "Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone." — Lewis Black
Trust Lewis Black to find the dark side of something sappy and make you laugh at it.
3. "Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day." — Barney Stinson, 'How I Met Your Mother'
Harsh, but true. Barney Stinson was legen — wait for it! — dary when it came to serving up dating wisdom.
4. "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something" — Fran Lebowitz
It's lines like this one that make the always insightful author one of the great humorists of our time.
5. "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell." — Joan Crawford
You could always count on the inimitable Joan Crawford to put a droll spin on the sentimental, as this quote in Redbook demonstrates.
6. "Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time." Tobias Funke, 'Arrested Development'
Tobias had quite the way with words, though not always intentionally. (You can always switch out the name "Michael" for someone you actually know. Unless you happen to know a Michael.)
7. "True love is the greatest thing, in the world — except for a nice MLT — mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe." — Miracle Max, 'The Princess Bride'
Any die-hard Princess Bride fan will appreciate this one, even if they're not sold on the mutton idea.
8. "I don't want to do Valentine's Day sh*t, okay? I don't want to do that." — Charlie Kelly, 'It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia'
YES. Who can't relate to this one? Even if you're part of a happy couple, sometimes all the holiday crap is just like... nah, not this year. Wasn't it just Christmas?
9. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell
As quoted in Redbook, this shot of truth from Will Ferrell is only about a zillion percent true (which you know if your S.O. struggles on the patience front).
10. “Until I was 25 I thought the only response to ‘I love you’ was ‘Oh crap!'” Chandler Bing, 'Friends'
Considering the number of middle-aged commitment phobes out there, 25 actually seems like a reasonable age for love-related epiphanies. (Again, you can switch out this number to suit your purposes.)