The female orgasm isn't a mystical unicorn that no one's ever seen, but it's no big secret that, generally, women have a harder time cumming than men. In fact, there are some women who aren't sure if they ever had an orgasm, let alone that mind-blowing ultimate orgasm. With Cosmopolitan reporting that 67 percent of women have faked an orgasm with their partner and 72 percent having been with a partner who didn't help them get off, it's no wonder that we joke about "having a headache" when someone is interested in sex.
But our partners? Not always to blame. Women are known for putting a lot of pressure on themselves, and if you're anxious about having an orgasm or absolutely desperate to make it happen, you may be damaging your chance of pleasure. It can also be exasperating to try the one trick every article, book, and podcast is promoting, the one that is guaranteed to make you orgasm down to your toes, and find that it doesn't do anything but leave both you and your partner frustrated.
So is there a big trick or secret to having the ultimate orgasm? I spoke with sex educator JoEllen Notte of The Redhead Bedhead, to get her insight into having that mind-blowing orgasm everyone talks about. With her website proclaiming that she's saving the world from mediocre sex, she has to have some magical trick, right?
Luckily, she does. And it doesn't require a copy of the Kama Sutra. In fact, it's so irresistibly simple that you might not believe it'll work — until you try it. Ready? Here it is — be kind to yourself.
"When pursuing pleasure, there's no trick that beats being kind to yourself," Notte says. "Take the time to know your body, understand its preferences, its capabilities and its limitations. Don't judge the kind of experience you have as right or wrong, good or bad, successful or full of failure."
She suggests that pushing yourself to fit the rigid limitations of an "ultimate orgasm" is asking for trouble. Approaching the act with a sense of playfulness and an open mind will give you a lot more space so you can find different experiences of pleasure.
So play around. If you have a supportive partner, this should be easy to convince them to do. Spend some time together, trying out all the things you've wanted to try, tossing out the sex books, and really listening to your body. If you want to try toys? Go for it. Want to do it in a certain position? Get it, girl. But remember to be gentle on yourself, especially if you still have trouble reaching an orgasm. And once you finally hit it, in the way you want without any restrictions or limitations, you can definitely call it an ultimate orgasm.