"That's not where your pants go!" I yell to my toddler as he's running laps around me with his blue jeans on his head. Soon enough, I catch him, one-armed, while cleaning rice cereal out of my 10-month-old's hair. "Can we please put pants on so Mama can get ready for work?" I plead with my son as he pets the baby's soft, cereal-covered head. "Never!" he responds and takes off. Suddenly, my kids are traveling in opposite directions and I am left in a puddle of milk and a pile of unworn clothes. My coffee has gotten cold, my teeth still aren't brushed, and so goes the story of mornings with children.
Once a quiet, peaceful time reserved for omelets and coffee, my mornings have taken a turn for the, um, eventful ("eventful" sounds better than "chaotic or hellacious," right?). Not only is sleeping in a thing of the past, but the notion of such an imaginary concept causes me to daydream about the sleep-filled euphoria of my previous life before kids.
I've never been a morning person — ever. I'd sooner stick my hand in a pit full of snakes than wake up at 5:00 a.m. on purpose, but parenthood sort of requires that I maintain a state of consciousness every morning before I'm truly ready. (It's a shame that I never really appreciated my responsibility-free mornings pre-parenthood.) To say that my "routines" have changed since then would be a gross understatement. Mornings with kids compared to mornings without kids are about as similar as Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, aka, monumentally different and are not even remotely alike in any way whatsoever.
Mornings Without Kids: Roll Out Of Bed Whenever I'm Good And Ready. Mornings With Kids: Hit The Ground In A Dead Sprint.
Remember when getting out of bed was a leisurely event that didn't invoke any feelings of rage or fear? Those were the good ol' days. The good news is that the need for an alarm clock is eliminated and the risk of oversleeping is basically zero percent thanks to the toddler doing karate on your face.
Bye Bye, Omelets. Hello, Pop-Tarts.
Consider yourself lucky if you have kids and breakfast still plays an active roll in your life. If you're like me, breakfast resembles a miniature circus act starring my kids and dog. The kids might be well-fed and have bellies full of nutritious oats and fruit, but often you're left searching the car floor for the remnants of crackers and fruit snacks because you spent all your time feeding your offspring. Good for your, mama bird. Good for you.
The Morning News Is Replaced With Talking Sponges And Children Pirates
Having kids can sometimes rob us mothers of our knowledge of current affairs due to the lack of political programming shown in cartoons. If Spongebob didn't say it and Dora didn't find it, we have no idea what anyone else is talking about. Thank goodness for smart phones, otherwise we'd be oblivious to what day it is.
Half The Morning Is Spent Locating The Whereabouts Of Tiny Socks
If you thought searching for adult socks in the morning before work was time consuming, you were delusional. Completely delusional, you spoiled brat! Try locating tiny, doll-sized socks, shirts, and pants inside that black hole that is the dryer. And if you dare let your kids leave the house disheveled and mismatched prepare to be subjected to the unsolicited judgement of the perfect moms out there that have got their sh*t completely together (or enough matching pairs of socks to make it look like they do).
Messy Buns Are No Longer Ironic — They're Necessary
Recently, after a sleepless night spent consoling my inconsolable son, my hair ended up in a disorderly knot on top of my head. My coworker asked me if I had perfected my messy bun via Pinterest tutorial or whatever, to which I responded, "This thing on top of my head is a ~thing~? Oh. Yeah, it pretty much just stays put because there's baby vomit in my hair." Moms were messing up buns before "messy buns" were a thing. However, I think all women owe whomever is responsible for commercializing the messy bun a slow clap and a bear hug. Whoever you are, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
There's No Such Thing As Packing Light With Kids
Remember when all you needed in life to feel secure was your keys, phone, and debit card, thrown into any ol' bag of any size? As a mom heading out of the house with kids, your needs have significantly increased and now include: diapers, wipes, children's Tylenol, bulb syringes, 27 pacifiers, 14 bottles, snacks that aren't choking hazards, Dramamine, an iPad, astronaut ice cream, coffee, Xanax, a first-aid kit, pepper spray, and multiple changes of clothes. No matter how far in advance you prepare your diaper bag, you will always forget something and it will almost always be exactly what you need to avert any and all zombie catastrophes and toddler meltdowns.
Peace And Quiet? There's No Such Thing.
Morning yoga sessions are a bit less achievable with kids in the house. That time once reserved for meditation and deep breathing has been replaced with counting to ten multiple times and whisper-cursing as you chase your kids around the couch in attempt to clothe them. It's a good thing you practiced all that soul-centering and deep breathing in your previous life. It comes in handy when you're cleaning strawberries out of the carpet while your kid is making art with them. Goosfraba.
Coffee Consumption Reaches Dangerous Limits
Coffee is the drug of choice for most moms (after Netflix of course). Mornings with kids coupled with the extreme exhaustion that accompanies motherhood would be nearly impossible if it weren't for that savory-sweet cup of Jo every day. Does anyone actually stop at one cup? I mean, three maybe, but one? Impossible. I firmly regret not including K-cups in my baby shower registry. I've spent enough money on coffee to invest in my portfolio or buy a small car. Regardless, it has been a completely worthwhile investment and given me the kid-charming abilities of Mary Poppins.
Brushing Teeth Is Considered Aerobic Activity
Who needs a gym membership when wrangling a toddler into submission in order to brush his teeth burns, like, 400 calories? Ugh, I wish that kids understood the importance of dental hygiene. Oh well, at least we got our cardio in.
Multiple Wardrobe Changes Are Often Inevitable
Oh, you thought everyone was dressed and ready to head out the door? Did you check to make sure there's not spit up on your shirt? Has the baby left you an explosive gift inside his diaper? Did your toddler get into the Sharpees again? Yeah, turn around and go redress everyone in the house, and pray that it's not laundry day.
Images: Ali Inay/Unsplash; Giphy(10)