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10 Badass Comebacks To All Those Unnecessary Comments About Bed-Sharing

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I made very few definitive statements about how I would raise my children before I had them. I knew that parenting would require a lot of flexibility, so statements like "I'm definitely going to" and "I will never, ever" were probably a bad idea. But one thing I felt passionate about was "absolutely, under no circumstances, will I ever bed-share"... so of course I did. And of course I absolutely loved it. And of course I encounter people who are judgmental of my choice because karma is real. So I've come up with some comebacks to all those unnecessary comments about bed-sharing because God knows I've heard them all enough.

I don't want to sound like a martyr here, because most people DGAF about where my kids sleep. And if they make comments they're generally more to do with curiosity or not really understanding how it works so well rather than straight-up momshaming. But the momshamers certainly make themselves known, and they usually think they're being subtle but they're very obvious and extremely troll-like.

A part of me is like, "Girl, you went off on stupid, ill-informed rants all the time before you had children. This is your comeuppance. It's up to you to be a good ambassador for bed-sharing and let people know it's an option that works for a lot of families." And I try! I try so hard you guys... but sometimes the sarcastic witch who lives inside of me (dangerously close to the surface, I'll add) comes out and I'll snap back with some of the following:

"You're Going To Smother Them!"

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To be honest, this is one that I tend not to get snarky about the first go-around because, yeah, it's a legitimate concern. I usually take this as an opportunity to talk about bed-sharing safety and agree that, no, this isn't a safe or appropriate decision for all people, but here are the measures I've taken to make this safe and comfortable for my family.

"You're Going To Make Them Co-Dependent!"

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"You're right. This is going to make them totally co-dependent. This and not the fact that they're a baby and rely on me to do literally everything for them. They need me to feed them, wipe their butt, get them dressed... like, there's pretty much nothing they don't need help with or didn't need me to do for them at one point. Do you know that when they were very small I had to help them burp and fart? Hours of my life has been spent helping them expel gas. GTFO."

"You're Going To Spoil Them!"

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"Spoil them! Absurd! If I were one of those indulgent parents I would have given my kid the pony they asked for yesterday! But I said 'No. The second stable can't fit another, and I will not build a third, do you hear me? You'll make due, child! Now finish your cotton candy or they'll be no dessert for you!"

Seriously, just lean in on this one.

"You Must Never Have Sex"

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Reply, "Oh sure we do!" then go into graphic detail about all the places in the house you've had sex since you've started co-sleeping. Pantomime. If the other person looks uncomfortable, say, "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought we were bringing up highly personal details that aren't really any of your business. Would you rather I not?"

"I Didn't Bed-Share With *My* Kids And They're Just Fine"

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"Oh cool! It's almost like everyone has to find what works best for their family and do that without worrying about being judged! Awesome!"

Then glare.

"That's Weird"

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"Your face is weird."

Juvenile, yes, but so is judging someone else for a completely valid parenting decision.

"That's For Hippies"

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Say nothing, just break into a sonorous rendition of "Age of Aquarius" from Hair. Do not stop until the song is done... then launch into the rest of the show. This requires commitment, but it's totally worth it and chances are the other person will up and leave before you get to any of the nudity.

"Are You Saying I Don't Love My Children Because We Don't Sleep In The Same Bed? Who Are You To Judge?!"

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"I'm sorry, madam, but you appear to have mistaken me for your inner sense of self doubt. Please confront your own insecurities on your own time rather than project them onto me. The only assumption I make about other moms is that they're doing their best."

"I Think This Is More About You Than It Is About Them"

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"And what if it is? What. If. It. Is. What if this is about me needing to get some goddamn sleep because I give everything else to this child and the only way they will give me sleep in return is if they sleep with me? Is that so terrible? Am I not allowed to have anything where I'm like, "You know what, this isn't my hill to die on? I'm just going to let this happen."? If you haven't found this place in your own parenting it has nothing to do with anything you've done right and everything to do with luck. My needs matter, too, so take several seats."

"When Are You Going To Stop?"

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"When are you going to stop it?"

I'm usually not for repeating things back to people as either comedy or a rhetorical device but, you know what, sometimes it's the perfect thing to say... because, OMG, when are you going to drop this, people? Leave me alone!