In my experience, the first trimester of pregnancy is hell on earth. The primary culprit? Morning sickness, which, despite the name, does not only relegate itself to the morning. Those crazy ass pregnancy hormones make the first three months nothing if not vomitastic, and I am not here for it. Although I would love to have another baby, I can think of way too many disgusting things I'd rather do than deal with morning sickness.
I started puking approximately 2.5 seconds after the second pink line showed up on the at-home pregnancy test. At first I was all, "Oh, cuuuuute! I'm really pregnant." That wore off as soon as I realized the intense nausea wasn't going to. Neither traditional remedies (ginger, mint) nor medical interventions (Vitamin B6, Zofran) gave me anything but the briefest moment of relief. I even ended up in urgent care with dehydration at one point because I couldn't even keep water down. I ate tiny meals throughout the day and still barely managed to make it 24 hours without barfing in the nearest trash can or toilet. The worst part? This so-called "morning sickness" lasted 20 weeks.
As a new mom, I've had to deal with my fair share of gross stuff. But the literal crap I find in my daughter's diaper doesn't hold a candle to morning sickness. Maybe it sounds whiny, but unless you've barfed into a plastic bag while driving and continued to drive whilst clutching said bag, you don't get to say whether any of the following is worse than pregnancy nausea.
Fish Poop Out Of The Bathtub
Something about the warm soapy water really relaxes a baby, or their bowels anyway. There's something truly horrific about poo in a place it doesn't belong. A bathtime floater is not for the faint of heart, but at least I can put on a rubber glove and pretend it's a little brown bath toy.
Not only would I exterminate maggots before I'd deal with debilitating morning sickness again, but I would exterminate maggots on Mother's Day. Yes, this actually happened.
Let me be clear: I keep a pretty clean house. However, I cannot always control errant pieces of chicken flying from my toddler's high chair. Apparently, I relied too much on the dog to take care of those because I woke up that Sunday to larvae on my floor. Dozens of them. Clean up involved copious amounts of paper towels, squeezing, gagging, and bleach. F*cking disgusting, yes, but at least it was over in an hour.
Wipe My Kid's Snot With My Sleeve
If I'm being truthful with myself, I don't even think this is icky anymore. It's just practical (plus, I'm saving the environment by not using paper products, or at least that's what I tell myself). So I'll go as far as to say that I'll keep that mucus shirt on all day rather than suffer the agony that is morning sickness.
Clean Dog Poop Out Of The Tread Of My Kid's Shoe
Is it just me, or does dog poop have special properties that allow it to mold to the design on the bottom of children's shoes. The smell makes me gag, but honestly, it's not that bad. Let it dry out and then pick it out with a bamboo skewer (pro tip), and Bob's your uncle. I'd like to see a nausea solution that easy (I'm looking at you, ineffective sea bands).
Catch Vomit With My Bare Hands
One Halloween, before I was a parent, I dressed up as a crime scene investigator (complete with a flashlight, gloves, and a CSI jacket). I had a little too much to drink and was afraid I was going to retch in the taxi home, so I threw up into my rubber glove, turned it inside out, and tied that bad boy up. These days, I'll hold out my hands for unwanted food and, yes, vomit. It's easier than cleaning up the floor. If only it was so simple to wash your hands of nausea and vomiting of pregnancy (NVP, y'all).
Look At Pictures Of Lotus Seed Pods
Gaaaaaahhhh. I freaking hate these things. Apparently, fear of clusters of tiny holes (trypophobia) is a real thing, and you guys, I definitely have it. But I will gladly stare at photos of deseeded strawberries for days if it will get me out of morning sickness.
Walk Around With Pee On My Shirt
My 2-year-old toddler decided that our recent cross-country trip would be a great time to have a potty training regression. I packed lots of changes of clothes for her, but I didn't plan for the "pee transfers to mom" contingency. I already feel gross on planes, and being soaked in urine did not help the situation. Still, I'd rather sit there and let it dry than be hunched over a toilet.
Accept Booger Offerings
My partner and I are trying to teach our daughter that boogers are yucky (yes, you have to teach them that). So now, when she picks her nose, she holds our her finger for me and says, "Ewwww" until I take it away. I will gladly accept a daily oblation of dried nasal mucus in exchange for a morning sickness immunity idol.
Contract Head Lice
I feel fairly confident saying this because I've had head lice as both a child and an adult. When I had it as a toddler, I also had a fever, so my mom actually saw the adult louse climbing out of my jet-black hair trying to get away from the heat. As a volunteer in a Honduran orphanage, I also contracted lice and was deloused by the caregivers in the baby house. Are you itchy yet? I am, and I'd still take literal nit-picking over talking to Ralph and Beulah on the big porcelain telephone for 14 weeks.
Watch Incestuous Relations On 'Game Of Thrones'
What's better than one incestuous, pregnant queen? Two incestuous, pregnant queens. I don't know what it says about me that it doesn't even make me queasy anymore. I wish I could say the same for that damn morning sickness.
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