Pregnancy is an incredible, awe-inspiring, astounding thing. Our bodies take microscopic cells and transform them into full-fledged humans. It's a wonder and a privilege to have the opportunity to share life with those humans; to show them how to be the best they can possibly be. If you believe that any of this means a woman should just shut up and be grateful that she gets to host such a miracle, however, please stop reading now. For everyone else puking and grumbling their way to motherhood, please enjoy these mantras for women who hate pregnancy.
Yes, while it's true that pregnancy is many different kinds of amazing, it's also true that pregnancy really sucks sometimes. Feeling tired and sick for months on end sucks. Not being able to party or eat everything you want to sucks. Having another person flip flop around, punching your insides with surprising force, every time you lay down to (attempt to) sleep sucks. Having to pee all the time sucks. Feeling inexplicably emotional because your hormones are raging sucks. Worrying about whether or not your fetus will survive pregnancy and will actually be born healthy, sucks.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: not enjoying every minute of pregnancy doesn't make you a bad mom, or a bad person an unappreciative human. You can be grateful and excited about the ability to have a baby, and well-prepared to raise a baby and super devoted to and already in love with your upcoming baby, and still hate the day-to-day reality of being pregnant. Hopefully, the following mantras can help you keep your eye on the prize — or at least help you laugh a little until you give birth (hopefully not too soon and hopefully to a healthy baby).
“This Is Allegedly Temporary”
When you're a first time mom, it can be hard to believe that you won't be the first woman in human history to stay pregnant for the rest of her life. However, and I promise you, pregnancy does eventually end. However, since you personally don't have proof of that yet, feel free to modify your language accordingly.
“It Could Be Worse. I Could Be An Elephant.”
The typical gestation period for elephants is around 95 weeks — almost two freaking years. Yes, years. My everything hurts just thinking about that. Elephant moms basically give birth to toddlers. Hard pass.
“It Could Be Worse. I Could Be A Kiwi."
A kiwi's egg, which they carry inside of them because apparently evolution hates them and decided to give them the worst possible combination of being a bird and being a mammal, is huge. Like, 20% of its mom's body huge. I have heartburn just looking at this poor creature.
“I Won't Be Pregnant Forever. It Just Feels Like It.”
Plus, there are worse "feels-like-forevers" than the forever it takes to have a baby. Like, spinning pinwheel on a frozen website forever, or waiting for your turn at the DMV forever, or stuck on a grounded airplane forever. Sure, none of those take 40 weeks, but you don't get a baby at the end of those annoying situations.
“Every Mood Swing Brings Me Closer To Done”
Time keeps on slippin' into the future, right? Mood swings are as good a unit of measure as any other.
“Big Bellies Make Great Snack Shelves”
Balancing your cravings on your belly makes having cravings all the more fun, right? Things I've balanced on my own pregnant belly include but are certainly not limited to: cupcakes, bacon, small pancakes, pickles, and cheese.
“I Don’t Need To See My Feet To Know They’re There”
Midwives, and doulas in particular, are quick to tell pregnant moms that we should trust our bodies. Trusting your feet to be there even though you're running out of visual proof they exist is a great way to practice.
“Breathe Out ‘Sacrifice,’ Breathe In ‘Belly Perks’”
Yes, you're doing a lot for your baby. However, if you're playing this pregnancy thing right, you should be getting a lot, too. Namely an automatic seat wherever you go, cutting privileges in every long line to get food or go to the bathroom, and free (or at least extra) food in most eating establishments. I used to waddle over to my local gelato shop at least once a week for a free scoop, and I don't even like gelato that much. I do, however, like 'free' very much.
“Pregnancy Is The Best Birth Control”
True, the reason you don't have to worry about getting pregnant is because you're already pregnant, but hey — you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. If you're a frisky pregnant lady, that's a perk to enjoy.
“The Whole World Is Rooting For Me…”
"... which is why they're constantly rooting around in my business."