10 Of The Hottest Things You Could Do For Breastfeeding Moms

Society has a lot of damaging perceptions of women, including the idea that once a woman is a mother she is no longer sexually interested or desirable. This is, of course, complete and utter nonsense, so today I'd like to talk about the hottest things you could do for a breastfeeding mom. All the mamas out there deserve some love, but the needs of a breastfeeding mom are, perhaps, just a little bit different, so I think they bear particular mentioning.

Breasts are interesting, both physically and sociologically. Physically they're a marvel: highly specialized collections of fat and modified sweat glands that allow us to nourish life even after we're no longer pregnant. Sociologically they've highly sexualized in many so-called Western cultures. I'm not faulting anyone for finding breasts sexually appealing, but the problem arises when people can only see breasts as sex objects and not, you know, highly specialized collections of fat and modified sweat glands that, under the right conditions, allow us to nourish life.

Even the wokest among us were raised in a society that tells us to focus on the sexualization of breasts and nothing more, so it's understandable that milky breasts (and the people who have them) might make some people uncomfortable. But, truly, breastfeeding can bring some real eroticism into your life. So with that in mind, here are some of the ways you can turn on your lactating lovely:

Enjoy Her One-Woman Wet T-Shirt Contest

Wet t-shirts are sexy, hugging every curve of a woman's body, sensually clinging to and just making visible that which is normally unseen. And, like, so what if she's providing her own liquid to douse the front of her blouse? And so what if it's forming in two, perfect circles directly around her nipples? And so what if the shirt isn't so much clinging to her, but is just wet in two spots and crusted in spit up?

Make her feel sex and just get into it.

Douse Her With Water

No, this has nothing to do with the metaphorical wet t-shirt contest. This has to do with the fact that your partner is thirsty AF... literally. I don't know exactly what it is about breastfeeding, but it makes you positively parched. Quenching that thirst — again, actual thirst, don't get too excited, people — is downright erotic. (But seriously, preempting your partner's dehydration by bringing her ice water without being asked? That's going to win you some points my friend, though you may well have to have to cash them in at a later date.)

Hand-Feed Her Sexy Foods

Strawberries and champagne. Whipped cream. Oysters. Chocolate. French fries. A pulled pork sandwich with coleslaw. The largest plate of pasta you can legally acquire. Just feed the poor hungry woman before things get out of control. She will thank you. It will not be sexy — it might be a little scary to see her absolutely destroy a full rack of ribs in two minutes, like a piranha — but she will find it incredibly erotic in ways she cannot express.

Because in addition to being thirsty as hell, your partner is also starving. Breastfeeding burns a lot of calories, so it stands to reason that she'll need to take in some extra as well. Help her out.

Give Her Nipples Some Love

Nipple-play can be extremely erotic under any circumstances. Here's how they are the sexiest for a breastfeeding mom. First of all, we ain't playing. This isn't play. This is you, her trusted and beloved partner, delicately and mechanically applying nipple cream upon request because your demon vampire baby is trying to suck out your partner's soul through her breasts. Clearly, babies are not familiar with the adage "don't bite the hand that feeds you," because they regularly chomp, chew, claw, tweak, twist, and straight-up bite the nipple that gives them life.

Caress Her

Gently. Caress her gently. Because chances are she's super-engorged right now and hugging is painful. Maybe hug her from behind. Steer clear of her breasts entirely.

Don't Caress Her

There's something to be said for the erotic art of denial, right? Like, the whole "look, don't touch!" mindset and the concept of building up desire and anticipation and concepts of control and domination.

There's also something to be said for the fact that your partner is touched out after nursing a child constantly and the sexiest thought in the world to her is existing for five damn minutes without being pawed by someone who wants some part of her body.

Serenade Her

From the time of troubadours, fair maidens have swooned to the dulcet charms of singers and musicians. So by all means, croon to your beloved... and definitely use the rhythm of her breast pump as your beat. (The thing probably sounds like it's talking to her anyway, so why not work with that by making it both a beat and a back-up singer?)

Sensual Breast Massage

Rub some warm oil onto your hands and gently massage her breasts. Her milk-swollen breasts. Her aching, milk-swollen breasts on the verge of infection, because she has a clogged duct. This isn't about sex. This isn't about you getting to touch a boob. This is about preventing a bout of mastitis, which is literally hell on earth. You need to do this for health and safety reasons.

Blindfold Her

Do this with a sleep mask. Lower her gently onto the bed, brushing your fingers nimbly across her collarbone, just grazing her lips with yours. Now turn off the lights, close the door, and let the poor woman sleep. Uninterrupted sleep is her fetish now, trust me.

Begin Lactating & Do This For Her

Dude. If you cold pull this off you would be the GOAT. Nothing you've ever done or could possibly ever do again would come close to the level of eroticism that embodies this act of loving kindness. Because even when it's relatively uncomplicated, breastfeeding is hard. It takes a massive amount of time, physical and emotional energy, and calories. I mean, she's already devoted about 40 weeks of her life to sustaining the life of your child, to say nothing of the delivery, and now she's continuing to take one for the team. So it'd be really sexy if you could just help her out with this a little bit.

So just hook yourself up to the pump and see what happens. You never know until you try!