I think it's safe to say that every soon-to-be mom wonders what childbirth will be like, but very few first-time moms actually know what to expect. The pain can be surprising and I think there are some thoughts every mom has when she's pushing, but she doesn't say them out loud because, well, she's focusing on pushing a baby out of her body. Then again, maybe she can find the time to voice her concerns. I know I did. In fact, I said everything. Labor made me lose my filter entirely and not in the most dignified way, that's for sure.
Labor tears you down to your most basic, primal self. It's intense and it's extremely difficult and it can be scary, especially if you've never experienced it before. The best intentioned people try to explain what pushing a baby out of your body is like and they try to give you some idea of the scope of the pain, but there's no way words can accurately describe it. Whether you labored without medication or decided to have an epidural, childbirth involves a large amount of pain and, well, it hurts. So, the thoughts that run through your head (and sometimes, straight out of your mouth), can seem uncharacteristic or even embarrassing, but don't stress. Everyone says and thinks things during labor that are completely influenced by the pain. (In other words, no one will believe that you actually hate your partner and want to punch him in the you-know-what.)
I would argue the things soon-to-be moms say and think during labor, especially when actively pushing and moments away from meeting their babies, are not indicitive of who those mothers actually are. So, if you go off the rails, know that you're not alone. Here are a few things I thought, and I feel pretty sure they are universal.
"This Can't Be Right"
Oh my god this hurts. This hurts so bad. I don't think it's supposed to hurt this bad. Other women don't hurt this bad. There must be something wrong because there's no way this is right.
"OMG I'm Dying. I Am Actually Dying."
So, I must be dying. That's the only explanation for the immense amount of pain I'm in. One cannot experience such agony and live, so I must be checking out. There is no way any human being can experience this much pain and live to tell about it.
(Pro Tip: females are strong as hell.)
"Get. It. Out. Now."
Get it out, get it out, get it out, get it out. Now. Get it out now, get it out.
Get it out, get it out, get it out, get it out. No, but seriously. Now. Get it out, now.
"Yeah, Screw This"
Why is pushing so hard? Why don't I instinctively know how to push? Isn't this suppose to be "natural?" Yeah, whatever. I'm out. I'm done. Pushing is too hard and I quit. This is me waving my white flag because, at this point, I'm perfectly fine staying pregnant for the rest of my life.
"Oh No. I Pooped, Didn't I?"
It feels like I pooped. Did I poop? Or is that just what having a baby feels like? Is it really supposed to feel like the largest bowel movement of my freakin' life? Dear parenting gods why did anyone ever think this was a good idea?!
"You Know What? I Don't Want A Baby. I Changed My Mind."
Nope. Nope. Nope. I changed my mind. Someone get in here and do something about this so I can go home and watch Netflix.
"Someone Give Me All The Drugs"
I'd venture to guess that whether you decided to have an epidural or not, whatever drugs you may or may not have used just won't be enough. So if you're silently (or not-so-silently) asking for every damn drug the hospital has, know that you're in pretty good company.
"Just Cut The Baby Out. No, Seriously."
Alright, well if you're not going to put me in a drug-induced coma, let's just cut the kid out already. Seriously. C-section. Now. Let's go.
"Holy @#!% I'm A Mom"
Oh dear labor and delivery gods, it's over. Wait, is that my baby? Holy sh*t, I have a baby. There's my baby. (And, of course, this is usually when you cry your exhausted eyes out. Don't worry, there ain't no shame in the childbirth game.)
"I Am Beast AF"
Do these people even know how big of a badass I am? I mean, look at what I created. Look at what I did, just now. This tiny human being is in the world because I brought them into the world. Whoa.