10 Things Only Petty Moms Really Know

So what exactly does the word "petty" mean, especially when you use it to describe me? Well, technically the word is defined as "characterized by an undue concern for trivial matters, especially in a small-minded or spiteful way." Well excuse me but that's not how I see it at all. Then again, I guess there are things only "petty moms" understand.

Look, I don't want to be "petty." It's not that I enjoy being focused on the flaws of others. I don't want to stew over slights, both perceived and imaginary. I don't revel in using my children as pawns in a game of social status more complicated than any chess match that ever was or ever will be. I don't want to screw you over for my own advancement, but if that's what I have to do because you've made me (somehow, just don't ask how because you just have) then I will. You'll soon find that you're messing with the wrong mama.

"Petty?" Ha! I think that just means that you don't know how to handle someone with my charisma, strength, or ambition. You call me "petty" because you're too afraid to be real. You want everything to be "nice" and full of sunshine and rainbows and glitter. Well this isn't a unicorn's butt: this is the real world. If recognizing reality makes me petty, well, so be it. Here are a few other things you should know, come to think of it.

The Reason People Don't Like Us Is Because We're Just Honest

Look, I'm sorry if people today are too thin-skinned and sensitive. I'm not going to sugar-coat things, though. If you want something sugar-coated go eat a doughnut! I'm just telling it like it is. I'm honest. Since when did honesty become a bad thing? #thanksobama

So I'm "sorry," but I my parents raised me to tell the truth, and I honestly think you're a literal garbage person and an idiot who doesn't deserve respect or common courtesy. I'M JUST BEING HONEST! I'm not going to be a phony.

Everyone Has It In For Our Children

People need to grow the hell up so that they can raise their children right. Do you know how many times my child has been accused of "bullying" in the past year? I've lost count!

Look, obviously the problem is not my child, but teachers, parents, and children conspiring against him to get him in trouble with the administration and label him a "bad kid" and a "problem child." One of them even staged an incident where my son was "caught" on video sucker-punching a kid in the cafeteria. Yeah right! That kindergartener knew exactly what he was doing and what would happen when he flung himself into my child's fist.

That Cindy Perkins Is A Piece Of Work

I don't normally like to name names, but she's a real piece of work. I don't want to gossip, because that's not me (I don't talk behind someone's back I say it to their face because #imhonest) but let's just say she is an ugly person inside out with no soul and I will warn anyone she tries to befriend about what a literal monster she is.

Our Children Are In Competition Whether They Like It Or Not

Look, I didn't start it. You did by having that kid who does well in school and appears to be happy and well-balanced. Obviously you did this as an affront to me, to try to prove you were a better mother. Well if that's how you want to play then that's how we'll play. Besides, competition is good for kids. They love the pressure of a loving (but firm) parent bearing down on them and comparing them to other people. How else are they going to improve if they don't believe love is conditional?

We Will Undermine You At Every Possible Turn

Again, I cannot stress enough how much I didn't start this. You did. Oh, you can play dumb with other people, but that isn't going to fly with me. I'm way too honest. You have to remember the day it began. It was the day we bumped into each other at pick-up and you smiled and said, "Hi! You're Hayden's mom, right? Nice to meet you!" It started well enough but then, when the kids were let out you stepped on my toe. "Oh I'm so sorry!" you said. "Are you OK? Did I scuff your shoe! I'm so clumsy. I'm sorry."

Accident? Ha. There are no accidents. Obviously it was a power play. Obviously your obsequious apologies were fake as hell. Obviously this was your way of saying, "I am better than you. You are literally below me."

It. Was. On.

You brought this on yourself.

Even Though We Don't Like Muffins, We Will Eat The Last Muffin At The PTA Meeting

Because Cindy Perkins loves them. I'm not going to start drama at a PTA meeting or anything, but enough with that Cindy Perkins.

Our Kids Will Always Be Placed In The Front Row At School Concerts

Even if they're the tallest, because I put up with too damn much from all the crazy people in this school to not get a good photo of my child singing "It's A Small World After All."

Look, I know you want to have your kid up front because they "can't be seen from the next row up" but let's get real: you're making this a popularity contest. Well, if that's how you want to do it then prepare to strain your neck as you try to see your little Sloane behind all 4'9" of my child right up front. I don't care who I have to call, they will be front and center. It's only fair.

We Will Start Legit Wars On Our Local Online Mom Board

Look, it's not that I'm going to do it on purpose, but I will not let any tiny little comment I disagree with even slightly go unremarked upon. I'm honest and not phony, remember? That means flying off the handle at the least bit of provocation. It also means calling people out if you don't like them and recruiting like-minded group members to join you in making sure the other person feels as small and humbled as humanly possible.

We Will Suck Everyone We Know Into Our Drama & When Things Reach Fever Pitch We'll Give A Big Dramatic "We're All Moms!" Speech

Mob mentality is an ugly thing, so, of course, things will obviously be blown way out of proportion, in that other people will get as angry as I do but they don't really have any right to that whatsoever. (I was just being honest. They're being overly-sensitive.) Such a moment will need a unifying luminary to make things OK again. Enter me.

I will be like Coach Taylor, inspiring the sh*t out of people left and right. "We're all moms! Let's focus on what's important: being the best mamas we can be for our babies!" I will ensure that some of the other people who helped me with my initial call out will join in me pleas for reason and sanity. Eventually, all the negative energy will burn off and everyone will join in. "Yeah! Let's support each other," they'll agree.

This good feeling will last for about five seconds before someone else is "offended" by my honesty and another and all hell breaks loose again. But I guess this is just the world we live in now. SMDH.

We'll Justify All Our Uncouth Judgmental Behavior As "Just Caring About Our Precious Babies"

Because you may call it being petty, but I call it giving a damn, even if you can't be bothered to. I guess that's the difference between other people and me. I just care too much.

We've all been this person, but we don't have to be, right? No, this isn't me giving the "We're all moms, let's come together" talk. This is the, "You can't fix what you don't know is broken," talk. So, if this sounds like you, perhaps it's time to take a step back and reevaluate. If this best describes a person in your life, know that you don't have to surround yourself with petty people; whether they're friends, family, or an internet stranger.

Motherhood is tough enough, so we can sure as you-know-what leave the pettiness behind.