Having only recently dipped my figurative toes in the world that is being responsible for school age children, I can tell you that unless you are some kind of masochist, you want to steer clear of most school events. It's probably also worth mentioning that you'll inevitably be roped into going to said events, alone, and will definitely send texts that every mom sends her partner during her kid's school events, because how in the ever loving hell are you expected to make it through these things solo, without the help of your cellular device? That's right. You can't.

Class trips. PTA meetings. Sports events. School concerts. Bake sales. Fundraising events. Each one of these belongs in its own circle of hell that, I'm convinced, even Dante would have a difficult time surviving. I seriously don't know how some moms manage to do it all, and if that makes me a "crap mom," I guess I can live with that. I mean, I'm an introvert to begin with, so being forced to interact with outgoing mothers who actually enjoy these events is pretty far down my priority list.

Still, you can't hide from the inevitable after-school event, forever. I'm not saying you'll need to participate in every school function ever offered to your child, but you will find yourself at a few. When that happens, there's only one thing for you to do: send your partner texts so that you can appear busy and therefore avoid as much adult interaction as humanly possible, while simultaneously forcing your partner to experience the misery with you because, hey, that's what partners are for.

The School Concert

She's in kindergarten. Why does she have to go last??

PTATD: Parent Teacher Association Trauma Disorder

Run, hide in the bathroom for a few minutes, avoid eye contact, get into a deep conversation with another mom, anything.

How Did I Get Roped Into This?

Things feel pretty unbalanced in the "attending school events" department right now, dear.

When "Work" Basically Means Anything Besides Sitting On The Couch

I think next time, I'm going to be "working" on my wine bottle. Look, I take my "work" very seriously.

There's Always That One Mom Who Can't Stop Bragging

I don't care how smart your kid is.

There Are Certain Coping Mechanisms Which Can Be Employed

A little vodka and soda, perhaps? Or some of mom's "special juice" in a travel mug of coffee? I think that's the only way to get through these things.

The. Worst. (I'm Looking At You, High School Parent Orientation Night)

All the teachers and administration did was read from the handouts directly. I could have walked up to the table with the handouts, taken one, gone home, had a glass of wine, read it, and ended up just as informed. Awesome.

Let Fate Decide

This is not fair and don't pretend it is.

I Can't Believe Anyone Would Want To Miss These Kodak Moments

This is a moment that you will forever regret missing out on.

True Story

I can't. I literally can't. I mean, I'm not one to judge or shame how any woman decides to dress herself. You do you, mom. What I am saying is how in the literal hell do these women not only have the energy to attend these things every week (it seems) but dress in such a fashion-forward manner?

I Might As Well Wear A Ballroom Gown, Next Time

I don't care if these ladies are career women or stay-at-home moms. If you have left the office, why the hell are you still in clothes that have waistbands?

I <3 Teachers

This is during a field trip, or an afternoon of volunteering, when you suddenly understand the power that 28 6-year-olds can wield, when they use their powers for evil, instead of good.