As a woman on my third pregnancy (and my second marriage) in my 30s, I have heard a ton of unsolicited comments and questions about my age, my health, my family planning choices, and my future plans for my family. Was it planned? Yes, not that it's any of your business. Did you use fertility treatments? Are you serious? Have you heard about higher rates of birth defects in babies born to older moms? Now you're just being rude. There are things that pregnant women in their 30s are seriously tired of hearing, and I seem to have heard them all.
I waited until I was 30 to start having kids, which is something that definitely seemed to confuse and upset some people. Yes, some people actually choose to wait, others choose to start early, and others do both. All of those choices are personal. While I am anything but conventional, honestly, being pregnant in your 30s is not a novelty anymore, as more and more families are waiting to have kids and medical technology is making pregnancy at older ages possible and safe.
The things about pregnancy is that it's super personal, and there may be a million reasons why someone is pregnant at a given moment. They might have struggled to get pregnant or their pregnancy might have been a complete surprise. They might be delighted, upset, or ambivalent about it. They might be a gestational surrogate. They might be planning adoption. They might not even be pregnant at all. There's no way to know, so it's often super insensitive and rude to make comments or ask questions.
The bottom line? No one should have to explain their pregnancy, family planning strategies, or timeline. It's no none else's business, and us "old" pregnant people are tired of hearing about it.
"You're Like, Really Old!"
I may be older than your average pregnant person, but I'm seriously not that old. Holy crap, it's not like I am 80, and even if I was, my family planning choices are totally not any of your business.
"Aren't You Too Old?"
What do you think? If I was too old, would I be pregnant? I mean, I suppose I could be a scientific wonder, but seriously, I'm not and you just sound ridiculous.
"Did You Use Fertility Treatments?"
None of your damn business, but since you asked: no, I did not. Again, there's literally nothing more personal than reproductive health. This is not cool to ask, and even asking makes it seem like you're judging my pregnancy based on how it was I actually ended up pregnant.
"Was Your Pregnancy Planned?"
Sadly, the other played-out assumption is that my pregnancy was unplanned. Like it's so hard to believe that people in the 30s plan pregnancies. They might even use "cute" terms like "oops" to describe it. How totally insensitive. Don't assume you know anything about me, my contraceptive use, or my family plans.
"Why Did You Wait?"
The way I respond: "Lots of reasons."
The way I want to respond: "How often do you masturbate?" Seriously, that's personal and none of your business.
"Did You Know That Birth Defects Are Higher For Older Moms?"
Oh really, tell me more. On second thought, don't. How insensitive and inappropriate. Please assume that I have had these discussions with my doctor and my partner and that it's none of your freaking business. My pregnancy and baby's health are not fun topics to bring up when you don't know how to hold a conversation. What if my baby did have a serious health condition? Stop.
"Aren't You Tired?"
Yes, but all pregnant women are tired. Next.
"Is It Safe?"
Pregnancy has risks. Please assume that I've discussed these risks with my health care provider.
"So You Will Be In Your 50s When He Graduates?"
Oh, thanks for doing that math for me.
Besides, I will be fabulous at 50.
"It's Amazing What Medicine Can Do These Days."
OMFG I am not some medical marvel, and I am not that old. I am healthy. My baby is healthy, and I don't enjoy being treated like a novelty. As we teach our kids, is the thing you are about to say, necessary, true, and kind? If not, please just don't. Leave me and my 30-something pregnant body in peace. Besides, I literally don't have time or energy to deal with nosy people or to feel like a freak. I'm busy being a badass, human-growing superhero.