When you become a parent, you understand that diapers and poop are part of the job. You're probably even surprised by the lack of disgust you feel at your baby's poop. However, as the child gets older, your tolerance starts to wane and you find yourself becoming, well, bothered. I, for one, take issue with the massive poops I find in my toddler's diaper. I'll end up searching through the sludge, making sure my son didn't swallow something, bombarded by the thoughts moms have when searching through their toddler's poop. If someone, even once, says being a mother isn't a "job," I will lose my poop-obsessed mind. This is work, people.
Just the other day, I was changing my 18-month-old son's diaper and saw something "weird" in his poop. This "something" wasn't quiet the right color and not quite the right texture to be poop. I had no idea what it was so, of course, I had to investigate. Taking on "The Case Of The Strange Poop" doesn't exactly mirror the sexy and exciting detective shows I would rather my life emulate, but whatever. Sifting through your kid's you-know-what like you're Angelina Jolie in The Bone Collector is just part of #MomLife, right? Right.
So, while I would have rather been talking to Denzel Washington through one of those spiffy little headsets (that automatically tell people you're important, by the way), I was stuck thinking the following thoughts. Have no fear, you'll probably end up thinking something similar when you're excavating your child's poop diaper, too.
There comes a time (or more likely, many times) in every mother's life where she finds herself rifling through her kid's poop. This task is met with resignation and acceptance. After all, she has become well-acquainted with child poop since the birth of her baby, but no matter how familiar the poop is, inspecting it up close and person is not something anyone ever gets used to.
"I Can't Believe This Is My Life"
With that grim acceptance comes the inevitable examination of your life and how exactly you came to be in this position. Nothing makes you rethink your life choices like digging through someone else's feces.
"I Need Gloves"
You might be utilizing the Q-tip method, or maybe you're using a paper towel or a wipe, but at some point you're going to realize that you need gloves if you want to do this job right.
Pro Tip: pretend you're "scrubbing in" for an important surgery, like your favorite doctors on Grey's Anatomy. That will help this entire process go smoothly, and fantasizing about McDreamy never hurts.
"What The Hell Did My Kid Eat?"
Of course, throughout this entire process you'll be left puzzled, wondering what in the world your child ate. You watch your kid's every move, but somehow you must've missed it when he or she ate whatever turned into this disgusting mess. Plus, there's so much of it! How is that even physically possible?!
"OMG What Is That?"
Inevitably you will see, um, something? Yeah, that's definitely something. If you're looking for something specific, whatever this thing is will obviously not be "it." The search continues, my friends.
"I Miss Newborn Poop"
Toddler poop diapers definitely leave you nostalgic for the simple days of newborn diapers. Breastfed babies, in my opinion, have very non-offensive poop. I mean, yes; it's kind of strange to "miss poop," (honestly, I think parents are the only people on the planet who "miss poop), but when you're elbow-deep in toddler poop, little newborn baby poop is the thing of dreams.
"Great. Poop Under My Nail. It's One Of Those Days."
It doesn't matter how careful or vigilant you are, poop will inevitably get on your hand, or worse, under your nail. If it was anyone's but your child's poop, it would be enough to make drop everything and run for the sink and the antibacterial soap and the hand sanitizer and possibly a hot shower.
However, since you've been dealing with this particular person's poop for a couple years now, you're able to totally compartmentalize that sh*t and soldier on.
"Don't Gag. Don't Gag. Don't Gag."
Sometimes it's just too much, though. Be it the smell or the consistency, toddler poop can challenge even the most stalwart mom and sometimes nature takes over and you feel like you might puke up your shoes. It happens.
"When Will This Child Potty Train?!"
In the middle of this entire ordeal, you'll long for the day your kid learns how to wipe their own ass. Even if your toddler is just barely a toddler, you'll be ready to plop them on the potty chair with a tablet or a phone, give them a roll of toilet paper, and tell them to go wild.
"Never Again. No More Kids. Nope."
It's pretty normal to, at one point (or several), just swear off any additional children all the time. Digging through poop is not how you envisioned this motherhood thing going, and you'll be damned if you'll do this nonsense again.
(Until tomorrow, when you'll have to do it all over again.)