Throughout both of my pregnancies, and while my body grew to shelter the life growing inside of it and as I saw a lifelong dream inch ever-closer into reality, one prevailing thought ran through my mind: my husband is the worst person I have ever met. I wish I was kidding, folks, but we're all friends here and I have to be honest. I wouldn't wish the horribly inconsiderate things my partner did when I was pregnant on a dog. Not even a mean dog! You know, like one with a spike collar that bites people and growls at other, nicer dogs.
"Hold on, now," you may say. "I've read more than a few things you've written about your husband before. You always say such nice things about him. He sounds like a great guy!" To that I say yes, he is. Usually. But something changes when I'm pregnant. He becomes really cranky and unreasonable. His usual thoughtfulness and compassion suddenly seems to go out the window, as if I wasn't worth the effort.
OK, OK. Here. Classic example: I was pregnant with our first child during the unforgiving heat of summer. Seriously, it was the hottest summer in over 100 years in New York City during my third trimester. Did my husband once offer to make it snow? Did he even suggest we temporarily move to the southern hemisphere, where it would have been winter? Not. One. Damn. Time.
Do you see what I'm talking about? He was unbearable. I don't know how I managed to put up with his nonsense for as long as I did and while I was doing all the work and I was growing limbs inside my body and I was, singlehandedly, providing a human shelter for our unborn child. And you guys, that's just the beginning:
He Ate Normally
Seriously, bro? You're just going to go about your day, eating the foods you feel like eating just because you feel like eating them? And why? Because you "lack any nausea, heartburn, or taste and scent aversions?" Because "there's no logical reason you should change any of your eating habits." Wow. Good for you, dude. I'm so happy for you.
He Didn't Fall Asleep At 8:00 P.M.
Oh, I see how it is. You don't love me enough to stop your day three hours earlier than usual in order to be by my side while I'm unconscious?! If you want to be as far away from me as possible because you hate me just say so! Just be honest! Say, "It's not that I'm not tired less than 12 hours after I woke up. It's that I think you're the worst now that you're pregnant and as soon as you go to sleep I'm going to do all the fun things without you."
Say it to my face.
He Watched 'E.T.' With Me
OMG, this movie was made for children?! This is the saddest movie in the world and you decided we should watch it while I was pregnant. E.T. dies, man! He dies! I don't care that he comes back to life, either. Oh no. That makes zero difference. Watching E.T. die on a medical table was traumatic AF. Plus, he only comes back to life so he can leave Elliot, the little boy with whom he has built a special emotional bond. Why on Earth would you ever show me this mindf*ck piece of cinema?!
He Never Woke Up To Pee
Because you didn't "have to," or because you wanted me to get up three to five times a night by myself, in the dark, because you know I'm scared of the dark? Be honest. Like... shouldn't you have maybe had more water to drink so you could get up in solidarity? Isn't that what's logical?
He Didn't Throw Up Every Damn Day
Not once in 39 weeks. You were withholding your vomit on purpose exclusively so that I would be the only one throwing up. How dare you.
He Refused To Understand That The Cat Was Judging Me
Just look at his little face! He's mad at me! He's mad I'm pregnant because he thinks the baby is going to take away all his attention, and he's sad but he's also judging me for deciding to get pregnant in the first place because he thinks it was a terrible idea. I know he's a cat and I know he's just sitting there, but, like, how do you not see it. It's weird, frankly. Weird and inconsiderate.
He Didn't Warn Me That I Would Regret Eating Those Chips
You know that salty foods give me tummy troubles these days, so why did you not warn me? All you had to do was psychically know I was going to eat those chips at work, text me not to do it, call me after I dismissed your text as silly, and press the matter until I started crying because I was convinced you just didn't want me to be happy.
See? Easy. But you couldn't even do that, could you?
He Offered Calm Suggestions When I Complained
You think you're better than me with your "knowledge" and "reason" and "desire to help your pregnant wife as she's going through a hard time"? F*ck you, buddy. I don't need this. Imma text my bestie.
He Told Me The Footage From The Birth Videos "Wasn't So Bad"
(Actually, this was low-key really annoying, TBH. It's not your fancy bits that are about to go through hell, jackass.)
He Made All My Clothes Not Fit
What did you do? Did you put these jeans in the dryer for too long or something? I told you not to do that! Come on, man! I feel bad enough during this pregnancy, so believe me when I say there's no need to gaslight and sabotage me by slowly shrinking all my garments.
(Though, really, if you think about it, my husband was the one who impregnated me, which is why I got bigger and all my clothes didn't fit anymore. So I'm actually pretty comfortable blaming him for this...)
He Was Never Once Pregnant
Like... he never even tried. He didn't offer once to take a turn being pregnant during the duration of either of my two pregnancies. Ain't that some bullsh*t?
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