11 Things All True Crime Show Addicts Are Unreasonably Worried About
We all have our vices. Whether it's Ben & Jerry's or vodka or special fancy laundry detergent or TV, we've all got a weakness. For many, this weakness involves binge watching shows on Netflix or Hulu. Binge watching is a cultural phenomenon, and though it's uncertain whether the lessons we learn through these shows are are comparable to the calories that we don't burn while sitting on the couch enriched in the endless abyss of cinematic entertainment, their lure is virtually undeniable.
Take, for example, crime shows, especially those that are based on true stories: they're infatuating, intoxicating, and addictive. We can't get enough of the sickening twists and iniquitous turns. We're hooked from the second that mood-altering music starts, and we can't stop watching until we've conclusively arrived at a morally acceptable theory regarding the justice system. And honestly, it's not just shows like Making a Murderer that have us hooked; we'll take podcasts and books too. All the true crime you can give us, to be honest.
The thing about these true crime stories is that many of them have the goal of setting out to make us question justice. And, yes, they often accomplish that, but some of us walk away with a lot more than a chip on our shoulders. We walk away with a complex, and a distrusting nature that follows us literally everywhere that we go. After consuming enough true crime, you're left not only doubting your ability to trust every person you ever encounter (quietly homicidal murderers, all of them, clearly), but also the justice system tasked to protecting and prosecuting (corrupt as hell, obviously).
And that's just the tip of the admittedly paranoid, true-crime lover's iceberg of doubt. Here are 10 completely irrational fears true crime addicts have:
We're Certain That Someone Is Hiding In The Back Of Our Car
Seriously, when it's dark outside and we're returning to our cars after purchasing copious amounts of merlot to take home (to keep watching crime shows, duh), there is always the very real chance that someone might be lurking in the darkness of our back seats waiting to murder us. So why wouldn't we be prepared to taze them as soon as we open our driver's side door?
Uh, it's actually not irrational at all. It's call being proactive, guys, look it up.
We Think One Of Our Friends Is Secretly A Psycho
If these true crime shows have taught us anything, it's that no one can be trusted. Really, no one. Who are we to judge whether or not our best friend is a normal, law-abiding person or a dangerously manipulative sociopath? I mean, really, who even knows these days? Not you, and you're not taking any chances.
We're Going To Get Framed For Something We Didn't Do
Making a Murder has all but ruined our collective respect for the justice system. Whether or not Steven Avery did actually commit the murder of Theresa Halbach or not, the fact that he had already spent 18 years in prison for a crime that he definitely did not commit is downright terrifying.
Those of us who live in small towns especially have this irrational fear. If you rub the law the wrong way, who's to say that we too won't be place behind bars based on the bias opinions of the local authorities? Everyone knows everyone so it's hard to revive a damaged reputation; How far off could actual framing be? (Really far, actually, but don't try to convince a true crime fan that. Also, we'll be needing you to sign a notarized affidavit swearing that we were talking at this specific time and date, thanks.)
Someone Is Absolutely Stalking Us
Um, is that guy at Target following us? Haven't we seen him before? It's especially important for us to keep a close eye on our surroundings all. the. time. You never know when someone is secretly plotting to capture you to sell your kidneys, guys. Stay woke.
Our Spouses Are Spies
How well do we really know our partners? I mean, really, really know them? What if they've been specially trained to deceive us, and we're actually just part of their cover? I mean, who's to say that we're not sleeping with Jason Bourne? It's possible...
We Wonder If We Could Ever Survive In Prison
If we were to, say, be wrongfully convicted of a crime that we didn't commit, there's the a good chance that conviction would land us in a prison cell. So if we were to find ourselves in an orange jumpsuit, would we be able to survive? How does anyone really survive a situation like that? There's only so much optimism one can house before some level of malevolence inevitably seeps into our sunny disposition. (And suddenly, all the cars behind us are blaring their horns because we sank into this black hole of what if through the entire green light.)
We Watch Our Drinks Like Hawks To Make Sure No One Poisons Us
And we never let someone else buy us a drink unless we are able to watch it be made. (Which, frankly, is just good sense anyway.)
We Have The Webcams On Our Computers Covered In Case Someone Is Watching
This isn't irrational at all, actually. There have been many stories reported on the news about hackers invading the webcams of laptops to see if someone is home or not before they decide to break in and rob them. Also, there are a lot of creeps out there that get off on watching the daily domestication of our lives. It's gross and terrifying and we want no part of it.
We Worry That Someone Might Have Planted A Bomb In The Hoods Of Our Cars
Shows like Dateline and 20/20 have taught us that sometimes the crazed minds of murderers don't always lean towards weaponry to carry out their crimes. There's not always a gun or a knife involved in a murder. Sometimes psychopaths are more creative, and we're pretty positive that the ones that are after us probably would carry our their crimes against us in a much more creative manner.
We're Going To Getting Kidnapped, Or At Least Someone Will Try To Kidnap Us
As long as Hollywood continues to produce sequels to Taken, we will continue to fear getting kidnapped. For this reason, we never enter dark alleys (why do people do that in the first place?), we stray away from random, white vans with sliding doors, and we lock every door and window in the house all day, every day regardless of whether or not we're home.
It's called safety, folks.