o1559kip/Fotolia

11 Things Butt Contractions *Actually* Feel Like

By
Share
Ad failed to load

Why don't more people talk about butt contractions? If you've never experienced labor, this question may sound nonsensical to you. If you have gone through labor, though, there's a good chance you're nodding in agreement. As a baby descends during labor, the combination of their head putting pressure on your other organs (chiefly your bowels) and the ever-strengthening contractions create a sensation that I was not warned of or prepared for: a butt contraction. But what do butt contractions actually feel like? It's difficult to describe.

The main sensation (and there are a lot when it comes to labor and delivery) is pressure. Now, nine times out of 10 I'll admit that whenever someone says, "You're going to feel pressure," that's just doctor-speak for, "This is really going to hurt but I don't want to freak you out so I'm going to tell you that you're about to feel pressure." In this case, though, pressure is accurate. But I must warn you: a baby head smooshing down on your pooper from the inside creates so much pressure that it blurs the line between "pressure" and "pain."

Butt contractions were such a huge aspect of both my labors that I'm floored more women don't talk about it and, more importantly, aren't warned about it by health care providers. When I was in labor with my first, I mentioned it to my OB-GYN who said, totally off-handedly, "That's actually a good thing, because it means your baby is descending." I stared at her, dumbfounded, because nothing about this felt like "a good thing."

Ad failed to load

And so here I stand, breaking the silence about pregnant women's asses. It is my calling. And since no one else, it seems, is willing to tell you what your butt is in for, allow me to share what butt contractions feel like:

Ad failed to load

Like The World's Worst Constipation

Giphy

The pressure of a butt contraction is so localized that it feels like there's just a massive amount of poop getting bigger and bigger every second. And the bigger it gets, the more insurmountable a task passing it seems. So there you sit, tortured, despondently full of poop, only not really, because that's just what it feels like. You're actually full of baby, and you will pass it one way or another.

Like Holding Back The Biggest Poop Of Your Life

Giphy

Sometimes the constipation feeling goes beyond being plugged up and there's so much pressure it feels like you're unintentionally but powerfully trying to hold back something that does not want to be held back.

Like "Do You Have More Drugs?"

Giphy

My epidurals (my second one in particular) felt, at a certain point, like they were doing jack sh*t for my butt contractions. It's like, "Look, I know you have a hospital full of painkillers. You're honestly telling me you have nothing that can deal with this? Because whatever you gave me has worked wonders for the uterus. Now we need to show my ass some love."

Ad failed to load

Like "Why Isn't My Partner Having This Baby?"

Giphy

That selfish son of a b*tch. Wasn't it enough that I was the one who had to be pregnant for almost 40 weeks? I have to deliver the child, too.

Next thing you know he's going to tell me he refuses to breastfeed.

Like Eating An Entire Thanksgiving Dinner & Having It All Rest Just Above Your Colon

Giphy

Not a serving of a Thanksgiving dinner, mind you. The entire Thanksgiving dinner. Like, your grandma, mom, and aunties cooked for hours for all 45 guests, and then you were like, "Mine!" and locked the dining room door and ate every damn morsel by yourself.

Like You're Probably Pooping

Giphy

And, I don't mean to alarm you, but there's a pretty good chance you are or have or will.

Honestly, though, it's not a bad thing. It creates a little more room which relieves a little bit of the pressure. #silverlining

Ad failed to load

Like A Shetland Pony Trying To Run Out Of Your Ass... Backwards

Giphy

This, incidentally, marks the only time in the history of the world that anything involving a Shetland pony is a bad thing. Because look at those little guys! Name a cuter steed. You can't do it. What's they're competition? Miniature horses? Like, they're cute but not chubby little Shetland pony-level cute. Zebras? Come on now. Donkeys? Go home, you're drunk.

Still, after experiencing a butt contraction, you will never look at one the same way again. Why? Because you'll know what it feels like to have an entire one lodged in your digestive tract.

Like Your Butthole Is Going To Explode

Giphy

I may or may not have said this to my midwife and nurse while I was pushing out my daughter.

"It's a lot of pressure," my midwife confirmed, to which I think I just replied, "And it f*cking huuuuuuuuurts!"

Like Someone Blowing Up A Balloon In Your Rectum

Gifpal

The more I think about it, the more I think this might be one of the most accurate descriptions I can think of. Though a contraction is, in fact, a tightening of the muscles of the uterus, a butt contraction inexplicably feels like something is expanding.

Ad failed to load

Like You're Going To Fart A Cannonball

Giphy

So if you're going to go through all this anguish via butt contractions, I feel like you should at least get an amusing trick out of the deal, and farting a cannonball seems like it fits the bill. You could join an old-timey circus and charge folks two bits to see you unleash ammo from your anus.

Like An Enormous Baby Head Pressing On Your Internal Organs

Giphy

Because that is, in fact, exactly what it is.

Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:

Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

10 Reasons Why I Won't Apologize For Giving My Toddler A Pacifier

My first child had no interest in a pacifier. I tried a couple times to get him to take one, but he always spat them out and gave me an incredulous, judgmental look. But my second? It was love at first suckle. And after a while, the incredulous, judg…
By Jamie Kenney

Being A Dog Parent Prepared Me For Having A Baby, Really

I’ve always wanted kids; I was never as sure about raising a puppy. Then I spent six months living with someone who brought home an eight-week-old golden retriever puppy, and I see no way to make it out of that experience claiming not to love dogs. I…
By Heather Caplan

20 Of The Most Popular Unisex Names Of All Time, That You'll Be Hearing More Of For Sure

You might think of unisex names as a fairly recent trend, but the truth is these versatile monikers have been commonly used throughout history (well, some more commonly than others). That's why the team over at Names.org recently compiled a list of t…
By Jacqueline Burt Cote

How To Have A Date Night With No Babysitter, Because It's Easier Than You Think

After having children, many couples feel that their love lives immediately go out the window, but it's so important to make your romantic life a priority so both you and your partner can be the best versions of yourselves you can be. As we all know, …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

9 Ways Baby No. 3 Made My Family Feel Complete

My husband and I decided to have another baby right after we got married and, well, we had no idea what we were getting into. I got pregnant right away, endured a high-risk pregnancy, and, before I knew it, my third baby had arrived. Together, we emb…
By Steph Montgomery

8 Stereotypes About New Dads That Are *Totally* True

Much like new mothers, new fathers have a lot on their plate. Parenting can be scary and complex, especially at first and regardless of your gender. People want to do right by their kids, after all. And since all new parents are a hot mess, dads are …
By Priscilla Blossom

8 Differences Between Being Pregnant In Your 20s Vs 30s, According To Science

Whether you're planning a pregnancy, or just thinking about your future family, it's typical to think about things like child-spacing, how many kids you want, and when to start trying to conceive. When making your pro/con list, you might also conside…
By Steph Montgomery

16 Moms Share Remedies For Their Most Intense Chocolate Cravings During Pregnancy

For better or worse, pregnancy is usually synonymous with odd cravings. Sure, there are the stereotypical combos like pickles and ice cream that plague gestating women the world over, but there are other mind-boggling combinations, too, including but…
By Candace Ganger

Putting Sunscreen On Your Kid Doesn't Have To Be A Fight — Here's How To Do It

I am almost translucent, so me and sunscreen are basically besties at this point. Even though my children are beautifully deep brown thanks to my husband's genetics, I still slather them like biscuits being buttered because I refuse to take risks wit…
By Cat Bowen

7 Things A Mom Really Means When She Says She Doesn't Want Anything On Mother's Day

Every year my family asks me what I want for Mother's Day, and every single year I tell them the same thing: Nothing. So, by now, they know that when I say "nothing" I absolutely do not mean "nothing." In fact, there are more than a few things a mom …
By Candace Ganger

19 Moms Share The Way They Cured Their Pregnancy Comfort Food Cravings

I was obnoxiously sick during the first trimester with, "lucky" for me, both of my pregnancies. For the first three months I lived on saltines, lemonade, and fresh bread. Once I was able to eat, however, all I wanted was savory and sweet comfort food…
By Dina Leygerman

8 Fascinating Facts About Babies Born In May, The Luckiest Month Of All

The height of all things fresh and springy, May is an excellent month to have a baby. It's a time of growth, graduations, and outdoor celebrations. And these fascinating facts about May babies will give you more reasons than ever to appreciate childr…
By Lindsay E. Mack

I Used To Judge Formula-Feeding Moms — Until I Became One

The other patrons in the hip Brooklyn restaurant probably couldn’t care less what I was feeding my baby, but I’ll always remember the shame I felt as I quickly mixed up his bottle of formula in front of them. I admitted to my childless friend that I …
By Katherine Martinelli

7 White Lies It’s Necessary To Tell To Keep Your Relationship Healthy

Telling lots of lies typically isn't associated with a healthy, strong, lasting relationship, and that's still certainly true, but not all lies are exactly the same. Though you've probably heard from someone at least once or twice that the lie they t…
By Lauren Schumacker

The Skinny Jeans That Saved Me Postpartum

Accepting my post-pregnancy body is hands-down one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. It’s something that I still work on every single day. During my first pregnancy, I was 20 years old, so I managed to bounce back quickly. In fact, I dropp…
By Allison Cooper

7 Ways Your Baby Is Trying To Say They Feel Safe

In those first weeks of new motherhood, it can feel like you need an interpreter for your newborn. With their limited means of communication, figuring out what message your baby is trying to get across to you can be a challenge. With time, however, y…
By Kimmie Fink

Here's Why Dogs Are Obsessed With Babies' Poop, According To Science

Most family dogs seem to understand babies, and they're more than happy to make friends with the newest member of the pack. It's adorable... for the most part and until you go to change your little one's diaper. Suddenly, you're wondering why dogs ar…
By Lindsay E. Mack

6 Signs You're Meant To Have A Big Age Gap Between Kids

There's a five year age difference between my two children, to the day. Their age gap wasn't planned but, for a variety of reasons, works well for our family. And since I was so focused on having a second baby, I totally overlooked the signs that wou…
By Candace Ganger

Here's How To Introduce Your Pet To Your Baby & Make Everything As Calm As Possible

Our home, which we lovingly refer to as “the funny farm,” is filled with four-legged family members. We have two crazy beagles and two cat jerks, and boy are they loved and spoiled. (As they should be.) But we are now finally having a baby of our own…
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Here's The Right Birth Method For You, According To Your Zodiac Sign

If you're pregnant, you've probably given childbirth some serious thought. Some moms-to-be prepare a meticulous birth plan, while others are comfortable just going with the flow. And me? Well, I made a plan... but that plan was useless when faced wit…
By Steph Montgomery

My Dog Knew I Was Pregnant Before My Family Did

Growing up, I was 100 percent sure I'd be a mom one day. To a dog, that is. My baby plans came later. And once my husband and I were sure we wanted both a dog and a baby, we'd add to our joint dog-and-baby name list over Sunday brunch or on date nigh…
By Melissa Mills
)}