What I’m Glad I Didn’t Know About The 3rd Trimester

Greetings from the deep, dark depths of the third trimester of pregnancy. I’m now able to count the weeks remaining until my due date on one hand, which is both glorious and tortuous. I’ve been through pregnancy once before, actually, and I can still recall every single thing I’m glad I didn’t know about the third trimester that first time around. To be totally transparent, there were things that weren’t issues for me during my first pregnancy that — surprise! — have been this time. Pregnancy truly is a miracle (read: mystery), isn’t it?

It’s not that I’d prefer to be back in the first or even the second trimester, because I definitely wouldn't. Although, now that I think about it, I do miss some aspects of the second trimester, when I was blissfully mobile and my organs weren’t getting assaulted by my baby’s tiny limbs on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis and I actually had a surprising serge of energy that has now abandoned me in my hour of need. I definitely don’t miss the first trimester, though. Weeks five through 12 can pretty much suck it, since the only things they’re really good for are leading to weeks 14 and beyond.

So, yes, I’m definitely glad to be solidly in my third trimester, though not as glad as I’ll be when I’m home with my newborn. Here’s why:

Your Pregnancy Starts To Feel Like It Will Last Forever

I thought the final weeks of my senior year of high school were long. I thought the weeks leading up to my wedding were long. I feel like all the weeks in between seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are long. Yeah, the aforementioned all pale in comparison to the final stage of pregnancy. Sometimes, it’s like time is even moving backward.

Your Appetite Is Still Not Normal

I never know if I'm overeating or under-eating, or if I'm hungry or queasy. You would think that, after more than 35 weeks of pregnancy, I’d have figured this part out by now, but nope.

Your Side Effects From Other Trimesters Come Back For An Encore

Looking at you, fatigue. I thought I made myself clear how I felt about you, but apparently you couldn’t quit me.

You Will Grow Out Of Maternity Clothes

OK, I feel like I’ve been mentioning this one for weeks now, so I probably should have sucked it up and made a few more purchases. However, it’s hard to spring for new clothes when, in theory, I will only need them for a few more weeks. Either way, I'm finding that my clothing options are severely limited now that I'm in my final days of pregnancy.

You Will Wake Up Almost As Much As When You Have A Newborn

Yes, I’ve heard plenty of jokes about how my current sleep schedule (or lack thereof) is preparing me for newborn life, and I’ll get rest again in 18 years, and blah blah blah. You know what? That may be true, but it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be frustrated to be awake at 3 a.m., again.

Your Baby’s Location Can Severely Impact Everything

I like to think my littlest one has a sense of humor. I mean, what else could make her think, “Oh hey, mom. You seem pretty comfortable. I’m going to play bongo drums on your bladder and stretch my legs into your rib cage at the same time, just because I can.”

Your Baby's Kicks & Bumps & Rolls Can Be Wonderfully Distracting

If you’ve tried to have a conversation with me at any point in the last six weeks, and I’ve seemed slightly distracted, please accept my apologies. You know those kicks I mentioned? They make it kind of hard to focus on what’s happening around me.

You'll Struggle To Take Care Of Yourself, By Yourself

I mean, there’s a reason why none of the pregnancy books I’ve read suggest to paint one’s toenails in the third trimester. Like, simply getting my ass up from a seated position is pretty much impossible these days.

You'll Start To Identify With Animals

Speaking of having struggles with seated positions, I’ve found myself thinking about turtles stuck on their backs way more than I ever have before.

Your Sitting & Laying Options Will Be Limited

On that note, I’ve got a special message for my family, if you don't mind:

Hey family. Listen, I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry I've been taking up the entire couch and leaving you pretty much no seating options, except to huddle all together on the other side of the couch, like mice.

You'll Start To Feel How High The Stakes Really Are

What do you mean, I only have a few weeks to do everything single thing that needs to be done before this baby arrives? Sorry, I shouldn’t have been just sitting here for so long. I need to go pre-wash a bunch of tiny clothes, organize diaper changing baskets for every room, and double-check that none of the baby gear I bought for my son three years ago has since been recalled. BRB.