Romper

11 Things You Should Never Say To A Mom Who Doesn't Have A Nanny

In the beautiful world of motherhood, there is a tower of status and prestige. Don’t worry, guys — the mom guilt and judgment is used on all moms. Perhaps at the very top of the mothering totem pole are those fabulous moms with nannies. Yes, I'm referring to those delightful creatures who I imagine have time to do their make-up without having any toddlers trying grab their boobs. These women (again, I imagine) know how to make being a mom look good and, though we want to hate them (not really hate, but fake "I respect your choices but also your life looks easier than mine so I kind of hate you" hate), it’s kind of hard to do because they always have the good wine. There's no winning!

Then, there are the rest of us: The moms who don’t have nannies. We are also kind of awesome, even though we typically have littles grabbing at us to get our attention during the morning routine (eh, who are we kidding: we're too busy trying to get everyone out the door to have much of a ~morning make-up routine~). We are kind of great even though when we want to exercise, we are reminded that we don’t have access to responsible childcare. At the end of the day, we are just like moms with nannies...except we don’t have nannies. And that’s OK. Well, it’s OK most of the time but other times, it becomes an annoyance. I mean, of course having another set of hands on Team Parent would be a welcome thing. Even people who do have nannies, if you were like, "Hey, how would you feel about two nannies?!" would probably be all, "Uh, duh, sure, bring it." Extra help is great. Kids are a lot to handle.

That said, a lot of moms don't have nannies, and with all due non-shame to moms who do, not having regular professional help with our kids is not the end of the world. But it does change things, both for the better and worse. That said, there are some things we get really tired of hearing. (No, like, seriously, please stop saying these things to moms who don’t have nannies.)

“Can We Meet In 20 Minutes?”

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Probably not. Because I don't have a nanny. If you want to meet in 20 minutes and there's a little in my care, it's going to take me at least that long to convince her to put on her shoes. At which point, she will inform me she doesn't know where her shoes are and every pair I find will be too small. Would you like to come over instead?

“You Might Be Happier If You Exercised More.”

I probably would be. I'd also be happier if I had time to exercise. Maybe if I had a nanny... but I don't.

“Can’t You Have [Insert Name Here] Take Them To The Park?”

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I wonder what would happen if I left her on my neighbor's doorstep? They would probably take her to the park... or sell her on eBay. I mean, they seem really good with kids and they'd probably keep her alive for at least a while. So, sure. That's a great plan.

“You Help Your Children With Homework?”

Yes, I help my little with homework. I probably do so with a lot less patience than someone who's a literal professional kid-handler, but we get through it.

“I Don’t Understand Why It Takes You All Day To Do Laundry.”

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My standard response to this is to look up with crazy eyes, matted hair, and a layer of sweat and detergent covering my skin. There are eight loads of laundry. It takes an hour for every load in the dryer. There's only one dryer. Can you do math? This is my day. On top of not having a nanny, I don't have a housekeeper. And anyone who has ever worked as a nanny realizes that these two positions overlap more often than not.

“You Need To Do Something For Yourself.”

I agree completely. However, having to get a sitter in order to go do something for myself so that I'm spending money before I ever get to where I want to be, and that tends to add stress to my life, not detract from it. (Nanny-free life hack: So, the thing I do for me is wine. Wine understands me and can be enjoyed at home.)

"Don't You Get Tired Of Being Around Children?"

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Yes, but their brains aren't fully developed. That is to say, when a child behaves inappropriately and annoys me to no end, they have an excuse. Adults are rubbish all the time and they don't have an excuse. *looks at you and your question meaningfully*

“I Think You’d Really Enjoy This Spa.”

I'm gonna go ahead and open another bottle of Pinot. I'd offer you some but I can't for three reason: 1) You already look happy and relaxed so giving it to you would be a waste of wine; 2) I'm planning to drink the entire bottle; 3) I hate you at least a little bit.

"How Can You Spend That Much Time With Your Kids?"

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Because I raised them not to be a**holes? It's a thing you're able to do when you spend all your time with them.

"I Just Don't Know How You Do EVERYTHING."

Me neither! I mostly just keep my head down and try to forget that all of this that I'm attempting to do by myself is basically impossible in theory! So...thanks for pulling my head up and bringing my attention to it? I don't remember the last time I slept, but I'm glad I've fooled you into thinking I'm something special.

"Can't You Just Hire A Nanny?"

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We're done here.