As someone who suffers from endometriosis, I have to be honest: never in the history of my almost-30-year-old life did I think that I would actually miss my period. I mean, there are moments when I'm very, very grateful my period has arrived but, for the most part, I've never been super "happy" to get my period. It, you know, sucks. So, when I found out I was pregnant one of my first thoughts was, "Yes! Nine or more months without a period. Score." Ha. Turns out, there are times during your pregnancy that'll make you miss your period; times when tampons and pads just sound comforting; times when a period cramp here or some nausea there, honestly, wouldn't be all that bad. Yay pregnancy, right?
Now, don't get me wrong; it's not like I was hoping or wishing I wasn't pregnant. When I was "with child" and growing my now 2-year-old son inside my body, I was happy and so excited to be a mom and knew that becoming a mother was a cognizant choice I was making. Now, having said that, pregnancy sucks. I mean, it's beautiful and incredible and truly awe-inspiring, but it's also so damn uncomfortable and there's so much vomit involved (for me, anyway) and I just didn't really like it. At all. I wanted to feel like I was in control of my body, but I wasn't. Oh, no. A tiny human being the size of a pea was already sending me to the bathroom and making me constipated and giving me the worst gas and, it turns out, making me think somewhat fondly of a period that — for the majority of my life — rendered me useless and made me miserable.
In the end, the grass isn't always greener. When I didn't want to be a mother and wasn't ready to be pregnant, my period was horrible. Welcomed, but horrible. Then, when I was ready to be a mother and excited to get pregnant, my period seemed like a welcome vacation from the nausea and vomiting and leg cramps and heartburn and, well, you get the idea.
When You're Puking Every Few Hours
I usually vomit through the first two or three days of my period. Then, well, that's it. A few days a month I feel nauseas and I feel confident in saying I can handle that. You know what I can't handle? What I hated attempting to handle? What was just the absolute worst? Morning (read: all damn day) sickness. I was puking every few hours for a solid five months and it was horrible.
So, yeah, there were moments when my head was in the toilet and I was wishing for that damn period. Anything, at the time, felt better than the endless stream of vomit coming out of me.
When You Haven't Pooped In Over A Week
I have never been constipated in my life, until I was pregnant. Dear lord in heaven not pooping for a little over a week was the absolute worst. I called my doctor (more than once) convinced that I was going to birth a poop baby, and not a normal human baby. I mean, where in the hell was all that poop going?!
I'd take period poops over no poop, any day.
One Word: Hemorrhoids
Enough said, my friends. I will spare you the details because if you've never experienced hemorrhoids before, you don't want to know. If you have, there's no sense in re-living the horror.
When You're Going To The Doctor Every Other Week (And Even Every Week)
I had a high-risk pregnancy and experienced a slew of complications, so I was seeing my doctor (in the hospital) on a regular basis. It was the worst. I'm not a fan of hospitals (is anyone, really?) and I didn't like having to lug my pregnant body to and from the doctor's office and sit through traffic and try not to puke all over the dashboard of my car.
I don't have to see a doctor on a regular, frequently and weekly basis when I'm on my period. Usually, I just lay on my couch in the fetal position and wait for my uterus to settle down.
When You Realize You're No Longer In Charge Of Your Own Body
It didn't take me long to realize that a tiny little human being about the size of a summer squash was already calling the shots. I couldn't control so many parts of my body (from nausea to gas to what I wanted to eat) and it was pretty difficult to get used to. I value my bodily autonomy and even when I'm bleeding for a solid week — and doing so without actually dying, by the way — I still feel like I'm the one in charge.
When You Can't Eat Anything You Want To Eat
When I'm experiencing period cramps and nausea, I can at least have a cocktail or eat whatever it is I want and/or feel like eating.
I can't say the same thing when I'm pregnant.
When The Realization That You're Going To Be Responsible For Another Human Being Becomes Overwhelming
I was so excited to have a baby and become a mother and I couldn't wait to meet my son. I was also terrified.
Being culpable for the wellbeing of another human being is an incredible responsibility, and from time to time that responsibility just felt so overwhelming and heavy. I started to worry that I wouldn't be able to live up to my role as a mother and, well, there are better thoughts you can have when you're six months pregnant.
Before I became a mom and I was on my period, I might have fantasized about cutting my uterus out with a spoon, but I didn't have to worry about anyone else but myself.
When Your Hands And Feet Swell Up
I'll never forget the moment my feet started swelling. I was so panicked and somewhat convinced I was turning into Violet Beauregarde that I called my doctor and told her I was going to be a floating, human blueberry if she didn't see me immediately.
I don't remember a single moment when my feet and hands swelled up like balloons while I was having my period. I mean, say what you will about period cramps, but at least my entire body didn't blow up like a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
When You're Attempting Pregnancy Sex
Sure, not everyone is into period sex and hey, you do you my friend. However, there are plenty of men and women who are and, I'd argue, it's not all that different from the sex you have when you're not on your period.
You know what is different, though? Pregnancy sex. Yeah, that 'ish is uncomfortable and awkward and the more pregnant you are, the weirder it gets.
When You Can't Get Comfortable. Ever.
I can't say I'm particularly comfortable when I'm on my period, but at least the discomfort only lasts a few days or a week, max. Towards the end of my pregnancy I was downright miserable for a solid two months. It's not fun, you guys. I couldn't find a position that would let me sleep or even sit without feeling "off." I was uncomfortable standing and walking and I was uncomfortable in the heat and in the cold and I just felt like jumping out of my own skin. Ugh. I'll take the discomfort of a few period cramps over that almost-at-my-due-date hell on earth any day.
When You're In Labor And Contracting Every Two Minutes
I was standing in the labor and delivery room, swaying back and forth and moaning through another mind-numbingly painful contraction. I was leaning on my partner and I was waiting for the pain to end and I vividly remember telling my partner, "Dear god I f*cking miss my period right about now."
I was half-way kidding, and was in desperate need of a laugh, but period cramps are nothing compared to full-blown contractions.