I've recently come down with a moderate-to-severe case of baby fever. Over the past few weeks, several of my friends have either announced pregnancies or birthed gorgeous little ones, and Timehop keeps showing me all of my old bump photos from two years ago. The pictures are all right in that sweet spot during my late second and early third trimester, too, when I still had second trimester energy and looked adorably pregnant in all of my favorite autumn maternity outfits. Logically, I can't handle another baby right now, so I'm trying to remember as many crazy things about pregnancy as I can, to restore my don't-have-another-baby-for-at-least-a-little-while willpower.
I need to remember that pregnancy was not all free gelato and other pregnancy perks, and that life with a newborn was not just toothless grins and brand new baby giggles (also known as the most heartwarming and joyful sound human ears can possibly perceive). Seriously, that moment when you're already amazed and hopelessly in love with your new baby, and then they just let out this ridiculously happy sound, like they're as happy as they've ever been in their entire life, because they're literally as happy as they've ever been in their entire life? I can't even handle it. Weapons-grade cuteness, right there. But I digress.
As great as some parts of pregnancy are, pregnancy is also uncomfortable and inconvenient and just downright crazy-making at times. The miracle of creating new life comes with quite a few side effect and they're not even remotely as cute as all those photos make them out to be. Maybe if I could have saved pregnancy farts or restless legs in my photo album, it might not be such a struggle to stick to my life plan right now. Oh well. If you're currently pregnant and want to verify that you're not going nuts (even though your body is dragging you to the edge of your sanity), or if you're like me and need a reminder that pregnancy is totally cray, keep reading.
In The Very Beginning When You Can’t Tell What Your Symptoms Mean
Kinda moody? Check. Breasts swollen and tender? Check. Craving a little comfort food? Check. Could mean your period's coming or it could mean you're making a new person.
Whoever thought it was a good idea to make all those symptoms the same has a weird sense of humor.
When You Can’t Tell If You’re Getting Kicked Or If You Have Gas
As you approach the halfway point of your pregnancy — the time when you start feeling the baby moving around — it's hard to know for sure if that's actually what you're feeling. Yeah, it might be tiny baby hands and feet bumping around your belly, but it might be some of that legendary pregnancy flatulence getting ready to rip. Not nearly as cute.
When Your Sense Of Smell Goes Into Hyperdrive
It's awfully nice of Mother Nature to gift pregnant ladies with a super strong sense of smell that helps us become extra cautious around potentially spoiled food that could hurt us or our unborn babies. And it makes sense that things like smelling your least favorite foods, or taking out the trash, would become more nauseating as a result. I was not expecting to become so grossed out by the dishwasher that I had to stop opening it, though.
When You Have To Pee Right After You Just Peed
During pregnancy, I spent about half my waking hours going to the bathroom, and the other half thinking, "But I just went!"
Basically, don't ever be more than 20 feet from a bathroom at any point during pregnancy.
When Your Legs Are Hyper But The Rest Of Your Body Is Exhausted
If only the energy in your restless legs at bedtime could circulate through the rest of you when you're desperately trying not to fall asleep during an important meeting (or really, any other time).
When Everything Tastes Like Metal
The old saying may dictate that rich folks' babies are born "with a silver spoon in their mouth," but apparently estrogen dictates that lots of pregnant ladies will feel like they're tasting that spoon 24/7 during the early days of pregnancy, regardless of class status.
When Your Heart Flutters For No Apparent Reason
Well, not no reason, technically. Heart palpitations happen during pregnancy because your heart beats faster and has to pump extra blood, so it sometimes gets a little tripped up. But if you're not used to feeling your heart beat unless you're doing strenuous exercise, and all of a sudden you feel it when you're doing basically nothing, that can be a little creepy.
When You Feel Like You’re Re-Learning How To Walk
Pregnancy can be a pretty clumsy time, between your hormones making your joints and ligaments feel extra loose, and your growing belly throwing off your center of gravity. All the better to empathize with your future toddler, I guess.
When You’re So Tired You Can Barely Keep It Together
That feeling you have when you lose your phone in your own hand, because your baby is using the energy you'd normally spend not losing your phone in your own hand to make a pancreas or something. For nine months.
When Braxton Hicks Fake You Out
Late in your pregnancy, when you're totally ready to be done and when you and everyone else is on high alert looking for signs of labor, your uterus starts doing little workouts that make you think you might finally be going into labor.
It's just Braxton Hicks contractions, playing mind games with you and generally being the worst.
When You Suddenly Hate Foods You Used To Crave
I used to looooove tomatillo salsa. Then I got pregnant with my son, and the mere thought of it would make me agitated and nauseous, let alone actually seeing or smelling it. Now I'm afraid to buy or make it again, even though I know I'll probably like it, just because I'm so freaked out by how horrible I felt about it during pregnancy.
When You Can’t Tell If Your Water Broke Or If You’re Just Peeing
Welp. Hopefully once you're in this position, you're already in a birth-friendly environment. If not, then hopefully all goes well enough that it becomes a great story later.