It's easy to go on an don about how beautiful and magical and wonderful pregnancy is. For so many women, of course, it is. There's absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating something as awe-inspiring as a woman growing another human being inside her body. Still, there are moments when you realize pregnancy is a horror movie, and that's honestly the only way you can accurately describe what you're experiencing. The movement; the projectile vomiting (thanks morning sickness); the inevitable person coming out of your body; it's all something a straight from the scariest movie you've ever seen.
Personally, I loved being pregnant, up until I started showing the early signs of preeclampsia my last month of pregnancy. Up until that point, I had a relatively easy pregnancy that allowed me to feel as if I was constantly glowing and radiant. Still, even though my pregnancy was considered "normal" and low risk and I didn't experience a slew of complications, there were times when I felt like the main character of some terrifying James Wan film.
Thankfully, I've watched enough scary movies to know that the character that pretends nothing is going on, or denies danger will inevitably befall them, is the character that get kills off first. It doesn't help pretending something doesn't exist. So, yes, pregnancy is wonderful and beautiful and all of those great, magical things, but it's also scary and kind of gross and, well, like every horror movie I have ever seen, for the following reasons:
When You Just Have "That Feeling"
Ask most women, and they'll tell you about the moment they knew they were pregnant, before their pregnancy was actually confirmed. Of course, not everyone has that feeling and not having that feeling doesn't mean you're a bad mom or woman or whatever. However, sometimes you just get this inkling that something is different; something is going on; something you can't necessarily see but can definitely feel.
Yeah, most main characters in every horror movie ever made have the same feeling, usually right before they're going to be killed dead.
When You Feel Something Moving Inside You
It certainly is a unique and wonderful feeling to feel your child moving inside of you, but it is nothing short of creepy, too. I mean, if you're not used to it it's even borderline startling or scary.
To be completely honest, I remember times when I wondered if there was a tiny alien inside of me because my daughter was moving around in ways I couldn't even imagine and understand. Then I watched the movie Alien and, well, it's all just way too accurate.
...And You Can See Someone Moving Inside You
If you ever actually see a hand or a foot imprint on your belly, it honestly doesn't look natural. It looks other worldly. This is the thing scary movies are made of, people; hands and feet and elbows that aren't your, protruding out of your body. Yikes.
When You Realize Someone Is Literally Eating Up All Your Energy
Have you ever seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers? That's pregnancy, folks.
OK, not really. Still, you are extremely tired when you're pregnant because you're literally keeping someone else alive. That fetus is feeding off your energy, essentially eating what you eat (it doesn't really work that way, but still) and using your body as an incubator. That's creepy, you guys. Amazing, of course, but creepy.
When You Start Seeing Danger All Around You
As in every good horror movie where you are always on your guard looking and waiting for the next zombie to pop out from around the corner, you are constantly on your guard when you're pregnant. Hey, who else is going to make sure cars aren't going to randomly come around corners they shouldn't be taking? You're afraid of certain foods, you stay away from certain drinks and you keep away from certain types of activity that may or may not be dangerous.
I mean, you're basically the main character in every horror film. Danger is everywhere (and, trust me, it gets worse after your baby is born).
When People Touch You Without Asking...
This is just creepy all around, and I don't think even masters of horror flicks — anyone from Eli Roth to Alfred Hitchcock to Rob Zombie — can make up something as terrifying as having a relative stranger randomly touch your stomach. I understand that people get excited when they see a pregnant woman in public (because pregnancy, for many people, is exciting) but get it together.
...And Stare At You. A Lot.
Is it just me, or do certain people stare at pregnant people the way the killer of every horror movie stares at their victims, right before bludgeoning them to death or stabbing them in the face a million times. It's, um, unnerving? Yeah, that's a good word. Unnerving.
Save those stares for your television screens, people.
When A Human Being Is Pushed Out Of You...
Pregnancy, usually, ends with a human being springing forth from your person. If you've seen Alien, and you could sit through that scene where the tiny alien comes out of a person's stomach, you've basically seen childbirth in action.
(OK, it isn't actually like that. Like, at all. Still, the comparison holds up because one being is coming out of another being. You get the idea.)
...And You're In All The Pain...
Childbirth is painful, and there's really no two ways about it. Even if you opt for an epidural, you're going to be experiencing pain and discomfort and it's not going to be pleasant. Some of the screams I let out when I was in labor were out of this world, and like many of the screams I've heard actors display (impressively, might I add) when they're dying on television screens.
Seriously, Jamie Lee Curtis might be dubbed the ultimate "Scream Queen," but she has nothing on a woman in labor. Mark my words.
...Or A Human Being Is Cut Out Of You...
When someone makes an incision in the lower part of your abdomen, sticks their hands inside you after moving or removing certain organs, then pulls out another being from your body, you're either an extra in a horror movie or you're a woman having a c-section.
Either way, you're a warrior and a bad ass.
...And There's All The Blood...
I don't mean to scare any woman preparing herself for labor and delivery. I definitely don't want someone to think that a c-section — whether it's planned or an emergency procedure — is going to result in blood absolutely everywhere. What happens in that operating room isn't going to look like the set of some Saw movie.
However, there is blood involved, and your baby will probably be covered in it. They wipe the baby off, though, so at least there's that.
...And You Live To Tell The Tale
Of course, unlike most horror movie characters, you'll live through pregnancy, labor and delivery. You'll actually get to say that another human being was inside you, sucking up all your energy, kicking and moving, popping or being cut out of your body, and you're still alive.
Take that, every scary movie ever.