For a society as obsessed with sex as ours, I feel like we don't actually talk about it all that much. Or rather, we talk about it constantly, but not in any meaningful ways that might actual help people have more honest, fulfilling sex. If aliens were to visit Earth for an afternoon and base their knowledge of humanity based on, say, an afternoon of watching TV, can you imagine the ideas they would get about sex? So if frank discussion of typical run-of-the-mill sex is hard to come by, what chance does a pregnant woman have to get a handle on all that's going on with her ever-changing body?

My midwife once told me that anything happens between when you first get pregnant and your child's first birthday can very easily be blamed on pregnancy. There are so many changes that occur during pregnancy (and then again postpartum, especially if you're breastfeeding) that take your body a while to adjust to. And when you consider your baby is growing from microscopic cells to a fully formed human in nine short months (that feel like nine very long years sometimes), you barely have time to adjust to one change before another comes your way.

All of these changes, of course, are going to take (or at the very least have the potential to take) their toll on pretty much every aspect of your life, including sex. But here's the weird thing: While there are a million near universal truths when it comes to doing the dirty with a bun in the oven (OMG that sounds filthy), there is not a single actual universal. As such, I have compiled for your benefit a varied and contradictory list of things you can expect when you're expecting...and doing it.

It Can Be Awkward AF


Makes sense right? Hormones all over the place. Nausea. Weird things going on with your ligaments. Sciatica. Lower back pain. Oh, and a massive belly that's only getting bigger that makes it difficult for you to move. There is so much that can be awkward or worrying during pregnancy. That's normal. It's annoying, but normal.

You Will Be So Not Horny


Please see above.

You Will Be So Horny


Whether it's because you feel super sexy and beautiful while pregnant or it's just a matter of hormones making your libido go nuts, you may find that you are an insatiable love goddess while pregnant (or at some point in your pregnancy). You may even vascilate between feeling completely "ugh" and "oooh!" about sex from trimester to trimester (or month to month...or day to day).

Your Vagina Will Smell Different


This is not a drill. It is so not a drill that I may have accidentally once loudly told a whole bunch of people people all about this fact while very drunk at a bar once (after I was no longer pregnant, of course). I regret nothing: The masses need to know about this. The smell of your vagina can change. In fact, increased blood flow and hormonal changes mean that all your body... let's call them "auras"... might change aromas.

"Ahhhhhhhhh! The Baby Moved!"


Watching your baby wiggle and kick while you're erotically kicking and wiggling is really not something you're ever going to get used to. Don't worry: they don't know what's going on.

Your Partner Might Be Super Into It


Your changing physiognomy, your pregnancy glow, or even the idea that you are carrying yours and your partner's baby can be extremely erotic. Sexual attraction to pregnant women is quite common, and if your partner finds themselves in this camp, hopefully it's something you can enjoy together.

Your Partner Might Be Weirded Out


Many women find that their partner does not want to have sex during pregnancy, which can be a welcome reprieve or a confidence-crushing, lady-boner killing inconvenience. The motivations for that awkwardness could be any number of things — fear, anatomical misconceptions (more on that later), a bizarre societal Madonna/Whore complex — and rest assured all of them can be discussed and worked through.

Getting Oral Is Really Weird When You Can't See Your Partner's Head


BECAUSE WHERE DID THEY GO?! Is a ghost going down on you? I thought they just sexily helped you with pottery projects! (Yeah, yeah, I know he wasn't dead at that point in the movie. Whatever nitpicker. I don't come to where you work and ruin your jokes.)

Your Tingly Bits Will Be Extra Tingly


As previous points have highlighted, if something different is happening with your body during pregnancy, it can probably be blamed on (or be thanks to) increased blood flow and hormones. This includes vulva engorgement, which can lead to sensitivity. Now, sometimes this sensitivity can result in pain. But if you're one of the lucky ones, this can result in really fabulous orgasms.

You Will Have Awesome Sex Dreams


Sex dreams are common during pregnancy, and what are we going to blame this on? All together now: increased blood flow and hormones! Unfortunately, they're dreams, so you don't get to control how they go. There should be some sort of pregnancy blessing for this, like, "May all your pregnancy sex dreams star your favorite celebrity crush and not that weird dude from your office who always reheats fish in the communal microwave and takes casual Friday too far by wearing sweatpants to work."

You Don't Have To Worry About Penises Or Sex Toys Bumping Into Your Baby


As flattering as it might be for your partner to think that he is so prodigiously endowed that his mighty member is a point of concern for the safety of his growing family, you can both be assured that your baby cannot feel your partner during sex. Same goes if you or your partner use a strap-on, dildo, or vibrator. Your baby is safely tucked away behind your cervix and amniotic fluid. So bone away, folks!

Post-Partum Sex Is Another List Of Contradictions, Maybes, And Weirdness


Maybe your sex life will go back to normal in a few weeks. Maybe the idea of having sex weeks after birth will be both laughable and medically inadvisable. Maybe your sex drive will come back in full force. Maybe the combination of hormones and lifestyle changes (and let us never forget, horrible sleep) will put a damper on things for way longer than either you or your partner would want. Just as with pregnancy sex, there are no universals: Anything you hear can be true...or it could be true for the person telling you about their experience but you'll find it's not something that turns out to be an issue for you.

TL;DR: Expect everything and nothing and good luck!