Life
Want to hear a joke? Knock knock! (Who's there?) Gestational diabetes! (*slam the door, scream as you run up the stairs, and lock yourself in a closet. It's no use, of course, because gestational diabetes (GD) will find you and use an axe to destroy the door, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.*) OK, so it's not so much a joke as it is a metaphor for having GD, which completely sucks. To make matters worse, there are things people feel fine saying to moms with gestational diabetes. Suddenly Nicholson with an axe just doesn't seem all that bad.
Truth be told, most people are really nice and supportive when you tell them you have GD, even if they're not particularly knowledgeable. More often than not, the annoying things that will spill forth from friends and family, even well-meaning friends and family, will be born out of innate cluelessness. (And, hey, they've probably never had to deal with it, so cluelessness is to be expected.) However, even if they want to be supportive, they don't necessarily get it. So even though you know in your heart that they're trying their best and they're not trying to be obnoxious or hurtful: that sh*t gets old. Real old.
Oh and also, as with everything in life, some people are just tremendous jerks.
We don't always think about the witty retorts we'd like to shoot back at people who irritate us in the moment. That's why I've thought of these things for you, so you'll be ready to go the next time someone waves a plate of pasta in your face and insists you eat it.
"But You're Not Fat!"
Actual response: "Gestational diabetes often has nothing to do with one's weight."
If you're feeling cheeky: "Actually, I've just been saying I'm pregnant, but this belly is actually the result of my numerous late night taco binges."
"Well, That Happens With 'Bigger' Girls"
Actual response: "Gestational diabetes often has nothing to do with one's weight."
If you're feeling cheeky: "You know what else happens with 'bigger girls?' We eat rude people who say stupid things." Then act like you're going to take a bite out of them like you're Cookie Monster, or something.
"So I Guess You'll Definitely Need A C-Section, Huh?"
Actual response: "Nope. Just because a woman has GD, doesn't mean she's automatically going to have a c-section."
If you're feeling cheeky: "No. I'm still definitely committed to my Jedi-attended bayou birth. My doula, who's an alligator, has been really optimistic about my success. She knows her stuff, since she's hatched all her children in the bayou."
"You Shouldn't Have Eaten All That Ice Cream In Your First Trimester"
Actual response: "That's not how gestational diabetes really works."
If you're feeling cheeky: "Do you mean, is the time machine ready?! Can we go back and warn my past self? Hooray! This is a wonderful day for science and, indeed, all humankind! Oh, wait. You don't have a time machine? So your comment was completely pointless."
"Should You Eat That?"
Actual response: "I'm good."
If you're feeling cheeky: "Why? Do you suspect foul play? Who's trying to poison me?!" Do not let the subject drop. Keep insisting "they know something." Ask who they're working for. Use your shifty eyes, if necessary.
"Just Make Common Sense Choices About Food And Don't Worry"
Actual response: "Actually, diabetes is a bit more complicated than simply avoiding junk food."
If you're feeling cheeky: "So malt liquor and pixie sticks exclusively until this kid pops out? Got it!"
"You're Being Paranoid"
Actual response: "I'm following the advice of my doctor/midwife/nutritionist."
If you're feeling cheeky: "You're probably right." Then put a finger to your lips and hold up a handwritten sign that says, 'The room is bugged and my doctor/midwife/nutritionist is listening: we can't talk here. Meet me outside in 15 minutes.'
"A Little Piece Of Cake Won't Hurt You!"
Actual response: "I'm good."
If you're feeling cheeky: "I don't trust that cake as far as I can throw it. Just look at that devious mofo. It's obviously conspiring against me."
"But It's Ridiculous To Say You Can't Eat This. It's Healthy!"
Actual response: "What's healthy under normal circumstances isn't necessarily a good choice when you have diabetes."
If you're feeling cheeky: "Whoa, what?! I had no idea you were a doctor? How in the world did you find the time to go to medical school, and so secretly? That's amazing. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with me."
"Mmmmmmmm! This Is So Good! You're Missing Out!"
Actual response: A deadpan "I'll bet."
If you're feeling cheeky: Emotionlessly but quickly knock the food out of the person's hand. Do not react, do not apologize. Just stare at them. They deserved it. Because, for real, you do not tease a pregnant woman who can't eat carbs.
"You Probably Got It Because Of GMOs/Vaccines/Gluten/High Fructose Corn Syrup/Etc."
Actual response: "There's no evidence to suggest that's the case."
If you're feeling cheeky:
"My Friend Had Gestational Diabetes And Her Baby Was 17 Pounds And Destroyed Her Vagina"
Actual response: Staring silence. There's literally nothing to do with that information.
If you're feeling cheeky: "Pics or it didn't happen."
