Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, health insurance plans must cover the cost of a breast pump. It might be rented or to keep, but you're entitled to one. I was lucky to get a brand new electric double pump, which I received a few days before my due date. I was grateful, but unpacking that thing was intimidating as hell. When you're a sleep-deprived new mom, the last thing you want to do is read an instruction manual. I think you'll find there are quite a few things that are easier than setting up a breast pump, and perhaps it's worth knowing now before you're knee-deep in tubes and bottles and an unimaginable amount of self-doubt. No? Just me?
I managed to sterilize all my pump parts before the baby arrived, but I didn't attempt to assemble it until I was postpartum. That, my friends, was a mistake. I was already emotionally fragile, and trying to put this Rube Goldberg booby contraption together was all too much for me. Once I did figure it out, I set it too high and cried when the damn thing tried to remove my tender breasts from my chest area. When a pregnant friend was due a year later, I went over to her house to show her how her pump worked so she wouldn't have to go through the same thing.
Setting up a breast pump isn't impossible. I'm placing it somewhere between finger painting and securing tickets to Hamilton. You will get it, and once you do, you can celebrate the fact that the following are now also in your wheelhouse:
Assembling IKEA Furniture
When we were dating, my now-husband and I decided to try to assemble an old IKEA bed two glasses of wine in with no manual. We almost broke up, but breast pump? Still worse. You'll be wishing for little wooden pegs when it comes time to piece together that pump.
Y'all, I will solve for "x" any day over putting together an unfamiliar breast pump. At least math has logic and reason on its side.
Learning All The Words To 'Despacito'
Getting A Good Family Photo
Take a nice family photo, they said. It will be easy, they said. You try getting a picture where my husband isn't blinking and my kid's thumb is out of her mouth. Just as soon as you're done with figuring out what all those little knobs and buttons do.
Naming The Seven Kingdoms On 'Game Of Thrones'
Changing A Diaper On A Moving Target
It's not easy putting a diaper on a spinning baby, much less a naked bum crawling away from you, but at least all the parts are recognizable (I'm looking at you, little yellow valve).
Walking Past The Dollar Spot In Target & Not Buying Anything
You know what I'm talking about. It is so hard to walk past the felt garlands, faux succulents, and superhero band-aids. If you can successfully piece together a breast pump without any "leftover" parts, you can definitely resist the siren's call of Bullseye's Playground.
Folding A Fitted Sheet
Just kidding. No one knows how to do this except your mom.
Zesting A Lemon
Did I say "zesting a lemon?" I meant "zesting a lemon without zesting your thumb." Seriously, am I the only one who invariably removes part of her knuckle every damn time? In other news, you probably don't want to eat dinner at my house.
Figuring Out The Tip
Does your tax rate hover around 10 percent? Then, just double the tax. It's also effective to move the decimal point one place to the left and then double it for 20 percent. See? Simple.
Just do it, you guys. If you can figure out your breast pump, registering and exercising your right to vote is a piece of cake. Just ask former President Barack Obama.
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