13 Tweets That Perfectly Explain What It's Like Trying To Have Sex After Kids
There's no doubt about it: No matter how hard you try, how much effort you put in, how hot and heavy you once were, having kids really alters your sex life. This happens in a number of ways. Sometimes you'll be too tired, or you might feel a bit self-conscious in your postpartum body (I'm not saying we should be, but let's be honest, most of us will be sometimes). Some might experience pain (especially if you've had a birth injury — no fun). Others may feel the need to work in some Kegels since the pelvic floor muscles do get a bit weak right after pushing out a baby.
But believe me, chances are that after a while, your sex drive will come back ready and raring to go. The only catch? Now you’ll need to wait until your kid is asleep (or extremely distracted) in order to get it on. Lots of folks get creative with sneaking in sexy time with babies in the home. That’s kind of a pro of sex after kids (you might end up doing it in rooms you hadn’t before, at various times of day, or make a game of it by trying to see who can stay quietest while turning on the heat).
Considering all the myths and misconceptions surrounding post-baby sex, we took to Twitter to see what other folks really had to say about what sex is like after kids. Some were a bit too real, others more idealistic, but mostly, they’re just plain funny.
When You Wish They'd Get Better At That Timing Thing
Talk about some blue ovaries. Kids have a way with sensing when you're about to have fun and then waking up to ask for some Cheerios, but not the regular kind and no, not the honey kind, but the multigrain variety.
When The Meaning Of Foreplay Changes A Bit
I can't be the only one that boasts to their partner when they've taken a shower (so they can take a hint)? Really though, other forms of acceptable foreplay include having your partner take your kid(s) out for the afternoon (bringing them home too tired to argue about bedtime), and when your partner cooks AND does all the dishes. So hot.
When You've Got A Considerate Partner
Be quiet going upstairs. Your mother is very tired. - me to my kids after I have sex.— lara (@benoight) March 11, 2016
Because the last thing a post-coital mama needs is to be woken up by the sound of pitter-pattering feet.
When You Start To Get Desperate
I'm filing this in the back of my mind for the future...
Truth. So Much Truth.
If you expect women to stop feeling and being sexy after they become moms, I feel sorry for your future sex life after you have kids.— Erin Piepenbrok (@erinpeep) March 8, 2016
This one's important. If you don't feel sexy, you probably won't want to have sex. And when you're covered in someone else's meals and bodily fluids (no matter how adorable they are), or being climbed on incessantly, chance are you'll not be feeling quite so hot. Our partners certainly need to understand that if they ever want to get some, they've got to give us time and space to get there physically and mentally.
I Would Totally Shop There
Bland Parenthood: Sex shop to put some spice back into your sex life after having kids #MyStoreIsNamed— I Type You Laugh (@ITypeYouLaugh) February 28, 2015
I can't decide whether all the parents in there would look completely broken and desperate or like kids seeing Disney World for the first time. Maybe a bit of both?
When You've Got Lofty Dreams
The day when I can walk in my house after a long day, kiss my kids, cook dinner, then have sex with my husband.. Yeah can't wait for that — DRI'❣ (@Purplee_Skyes) March 3, 2016
Yeah, I can't wait for that day either...cause it ain't happening. Or maybe it will once my kid is 18. For now, I'll stick to sneaking in a quickie in the bathroom during nap time.
When She Wants To Warn The World
Moms are usually the first ones to warn you. There's a reason for that.
When You're Going Through A Lengthy Dry Spell
The Great Sahara, but it's just a documentary on what happens to your sex life after marriage & kids.— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 6, 2015
On a related note: Sometimes we don't self-lubricate the way we did prior to kids. Using a bit of bottle lube (or adding some more extensive foreplay if time permits) certainly helps in this area.
When You Just Gotta Pencil It In
Hub: What time?— Chaotic Blonde™ (@slamdancenance) June 7, 2014
- Sex life after kids.
Scheduling sex may sound weird to some, but it can totally be helpful when you're lacking in time and energy. Plus it gives you something to look forward to. Of course, you could always just call it a "date night" and hope to the gods you get lucky.
"Let It Go"
What's all the fuss about 50 shades of grey? All parents little kids know #Frozen more accurately describes sex life after kids!— Denise Malloy (@imarealmother) February 6, 2015
Sex after kids means talking about sex after kids while making a Frozen reference. Please someone tell me the kids will get over that movie soon???
When The Kids See More Than They Bargained For
'Mum, what was dad doing to u in the bedroom?'— Nic-'Hola' (@AvasAngel) June 4, 2014
'Just trying to snog me'
'My face son where else?'
Motherhood is awkward!
Don't forget to lock the doors or you'll have a bit more to explain than you'll probably feel up to after a much needed romp.
Because If And When It Finally Does Happen, You Couldn't Care Less What Your Neighbors Think
Dear neighbors, I appreciate you still having an active sex life after two kids. ...but could you please do the active part elsewhere.— Sandra (@AshenIce) January 7, 2013
This one isn't a parent, but it does capture what sex is like after kids after a while. It's kind of like what it was when you were a drunk 20-something making those kids: You just don't give a damn who hears you because OMG you're actually finally getting some!