Even though there is a time and a place for everything, there are some issues I will never shy away from discussing when they come up. The fact that I'm pro-choice. The fact that I will not dress to make other people comfortable. And the fact that even though the Lannisters are a bunch of toddlers, I love—no, I ADORE—House Lannister. Everyone. Shush. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear about how they're so awful and how Cersei is the worst (she is, but she's also awesome) and boo hoo Red Wedding. (Not to victim blame here, but #sorrynotsorry Robb kind of had it coming.) The Lannisters are awesome, despite the fact that, as I said, they're seriously a cadre of beautiful, mercurial, deadly babies waddling about King's Landing and basically obliterating Westeros through their fits of passion.
I know what I'm talking about with this metaphor: I currently live with a Lannister a.k.a. my almost-two-year-old daughter. Trust me: Lannisters and toddlers are exactly the same. So as a fan of the show, it's kind of cool to live with my very own mini-Cersei. As a human being with feelings and patience to be tested it's sometimes harrowing. (In the best way: love you, baby!)
Let's be honest: any parent who watches Game of Thrones can tell you that viewing the hijinks or Cersei, Tyrion, Jaime, Joffrey, and Tywin stirs up some familiar, parental feelings. We perhaps have a glimpse into the psychology of the situations and characters that non-toddler parents don't quite get, because the two groups have an uncanny amount in common. For instance...
They Are Calculating
Both Lannisters and toddlers are like wily velociraptors, studying their environments and waiting for just the right moment to go in for the kill. Whether they want the Iron Throne or a cookie after lunch even though you told them they would have to wait until after dinner, they always have their eyes on the prize.
They Are Vindictive
Do not cross a toddler or a Lannister, because each has it in their power to make your life hell ever after.
Their Insults Cut You To The Quick
They seem to have a preternatural ability to see right through to your soul and go for the emotional jugular. I put it to you that no one can be more hurtful than a toddler... except a Lannister.
They Are Smarter Than They May Initially Appear
You look at them and just see a lovely face and assume there's nothing in that curly blonde head of theirs... and then you realize, probably too late, that you have entirely underestimated them, and now there will be hell to pay.
They Live The Good Life
Lannisters drape themselves (and those they love) in all the luxurious riches the Seven Kingdoms has to offer, which makes sense since they literally live in a goldmine. Toddlers may not have access to jewels and castles, but they basically have a servant on hand at all times to feed them, soothe them, entertain them, or wipe their ass. They do not pay these servants. In fact they are legally entitled to at least one. That's the racket to get into, dudes.
They Think They Own The Place...
and, if we're being honest...
They Basically Do, In All But Name
Sure, Westeros has technically been ruled by three Baratheon kings in the last few years — Robert, Joffrey, and now Tommen — but 2/3 of those are actually Lannisters (a little... too much Lannister). And even when Robert was king, it was the Lannisters calling all the shots. As for toddlers, yes, the parents are in charge... but we're still generally building our activities, finances, and lives around them.
They Pretty Much Do Exactly What They Want
Because neither Lannisters nor toddlers have any f**ks to give. Seriously. None.
They Are Prone To Temper Tantrums
It doesn't take much to set them off, and when that happens get the hell out of the way. It doesn't matter if you had anything to do with what's causing their tantrum: they are going to try to take you down.
Cersei: Oh no! Joffrey's dead! YOU DID THIS TYRION!
Toddler: Oh no! It's rainy out today and I wanted it to be sunny! YOU DID THIS, MOMMY!
They Can Be Quick To Hit
It goes along with those tempers. But just has toddlers often need to be told "hands are not for hitting" it seems that every other episode we've got Lannisters slapping people, often other Lannisters. Cersei slapping Jaime, Tyrion slapping Joffrey, Cersei slapping Joffrey, Tyrion slapping Joffrey again...
Here's a difference between toddlers and Lannisters, though: at least toddlers tend to leave it at hitting. Lannisters rather impulsively chop off people's heads or stab people. Though, admittedly, that difference may have more to do with a toddler's lack of access to weapons and their minimal upper body strength and gross motor skills than any superior self-control.
(Sidebar: by the old gods and new, this gif is so damn satisfying. Take that, you insufferable little sh*t.)
Their Logic Is Half Insane, Half Uncomfortably On Point
On the one hand you're like "Are you actually kidding me right now? You are the most irrational human I've ever spoken to" and then sometimes you're like "Holy crap, this is terrifying, but you are making a lot of sense right now. This world is crazy."
Other People Either Love Them Or Hate Them
When I tell people I have an almost two year old, they either start gushing and talking about how "it's such a great age" or barely contain a full-body shudder. Same goes with Lannisters. Either Cersei is your spirit guide or you want to cast her into the pits of hell yourself. Either you want to marry Jaime or you wished Vargo Hoat had cut off his head instead of his hand.
(By the way: the correct opinion in both instances is that they're unequivocally awesome. Often challenging, but supremely amazing and extremely entertaining.)
They Want It All
A defining characteristic of toddlers and Lannisters is that they have ambition. They want to own and rule everything they set their eyes on, and they often have the iron will and hustle to make that happen. What's to hate about that?