I feel that I was fairly prepared for most of what motherhood would entail — the diapers, sleepless nights, and feeding routines were all an expected part of my new life. However, there's been one specific part of parenthood that has resulted in way too many premature gray hairs; a part that no one warned me about; a battle that I fight basically every single day. Yes, it's snacks and the amount of ridiculous times when kids will demand snacks.
Seriously, all day, every day I feel like I'm scrambling to feed my ravenous toddlers the elusive "perfect snack." I have two very well fed toddlers, who are healthy and thriving and far from deprived of food, so the rate in which they demand snacks just baffles me. I do my best to expose my children to new foods that are healthy and nutritious, but it seems like no matter how hard I try or how creative I get, my kids don't give a damn about their rocket shaped sandwiches; they're jonesing for the good stuff--the snacks.
I can't tell you how many times my kids' uncooperative appetites have ruined a perfectly nice day out of the house by way of a public tantrum. It happens a lot, you guys. I feel like instead of enjoying my children and our time together, I'm wasting away some of the best days of our lives quartering grapes and creating odd food pairings that they just "have to have," for unknown reasons. The following 15 times are definitive proof that my kids just want me for my snacks, and I'm so over it.
As Soon As They Finish Breakfast
Every day after my kids finish their granola bars or their biscuits or their bananas, they insist on enjoying snack time. I mean, you literally just finished your breakfast and the crumbs are still on your face. Control yourself, kid.
While They're On The Potty
Because who cares about personal hygiene or germs, right? When you've got to snack, you've got to snack.
In The Middle Of A Soccer Game
As a child, the post game snacks were always something I looked forward to, but I at least had the self control and discipline to wait until after the game to request them. It's called a choking hazard, my sweet child.
When They're Lost In The Jungle Gym
My son got lost in the McDonald's playground the other day. I could hear him yelling for me, but I couldn't see him, much less get my adult body into that ridiculously small playground tunnel. As I was following the sound of his voice around the playground in an attempt to locate him, he yelled something that I'll never forget. "Can you bring my nuggets in here?" He wasn't lost. He was hungry.
As Soon As They Finish Their Snack
I consider snacks to be the gateway drug for kids. They never stop at just one.
When You're In Public And Forgot To Pack Snacks
I consider myself to be a champion diaper bag packer, but it never fails that when my family is running behind, I forget something. Usually, it's something that we can live without, but if you've got kids you understand that snacks aren't on that list.
Right After They Refused To Eat Supper
Oh, you just refused to eat the lasagna that I carefully and lovingly prepared for you, and now you want a muffin? Sure! Have some skittles and some brownies and some cubes of sugar while you're at it. Who needs nutrition or respect or gratitude anyway, right?
After They Just Stuffed Their Little Face Full Of Food
My son ate 11 pigs in a blanket (little smokies wrapped in rolls) the other day, and immediately requested a snack afterwards. I feel like I might have a champion eater on my hands. Do they offer scholarships for food consumption?
After You Just Refused To Give Them A Snack, Literally Two Minutes Ago
Just because my kids are constantly asking for snacks, doesn't mean that I'm constantly caving. I'm not. I can be just as stubborn as they can, so when they ask me for a snack two minutes after they already asked me for a damn snack, assuming that it slipped my mind, I continue to refuse. This routine plays out every two minutes for about an hour.
The Moment You Sit Down For The First Time All Day
It never fails — as soon as I finish working and cooking and cleaning, when I finally sit down with a glass of wine and Netflix, my kids appear out of thin air asking for raisins.
The Moment Your House Is Finally Clean
I could make an entire Thanksgiving meal with the amount of leftover food and crumbs that my kids have lodged in the crevices of our couch. I'll never put my hand blindly in between the cushions of the couch because I'm afraid of what's lurking down there. Vacuuming it all out is borderline disgusting, but oh-so satisfying, but I can guarantee you that as soon as the house and couch are clean, an alarm will go off in my kids' head that makes them feel uneasy. They'll show up two minutes later and make cracker confetti on the couch.
After They Just Refused The Snack You Offered Them
All snacks are not created equal.
In The Middle Of A Place That Doesn't Allow Food
Snacks are like the antecdote for combating public tantrums, but what happens when you're in a place that doesn't allow food or drinks, like a doctor's office? The world implodes. That's what happens.
In The Middle Of Dinner At A Restaurant Where They Are Refusing To Eat The Meal You Paid For
Pro tip: don't waste your money on some kid's meal at a restaurant. Your kids would much rather have that little baggie filled with Lucky Charms or Gold Fish crackers in your purse.
When It's Time For Bed
Just when you thought your snack fetching hours were over, bedtime rears its welcomed-yet-somehow-ugly head. With bedtime comes a child's avoidance of sleep, and with that avoidance comes the unreasonable request of, you guessed it, more flipping snacks.
It never ends. They should really add a chapter about signing your life away to your child's snack addiction to the numerous baby books we've probably all read, because that's exactly what trying to keep a toddler fed is all about.