Being a parent is a tough gig. There's a lot we don't know, a lot we are trying to figure out, and a lot we have to learn on the fly while appearing calm and confident. Still, those moments don't take away form times when we not only know what's going on, but we know exactly how amazing we are. Of course, those are usually the moments when our children seem to forget who we are and the awesome powers we possess. In fact, there are lots of moments that'll make you question if your kid even knows who you are. I know their brains are still developing, as their memories, but get it together, children.
The good news is that these moments remind you of who you are, providing a perfect moment of clarity in an otherwise chaotic, often insecure world. We also can't necessarily blame our kids for these momentary lapses of memory or reason. We parent them to feel secure and self-possessed, confident, and independent. So it makes sense that, in order to become all of those things, they end up testing the waters to see just who they are and how the world works.
Sometimes, these mini-tests go very badly for everyone involved. Fortunately, in those spectacularly ridiculous moments, us mothers are there to keep those kids in line by reminding them that we are, as far as they are concerned, not only the Alpha and Omega of authority figures but actual goddesses, full of divine judgment, righteous wrath, and infinite mercy.
When They Put Their Feet On The Table One More Damn Time
Oh. You wanna test me? You wanna see how far you can take this thing? Joke's on you: you're the one who is being tested and you failed and it ends now. I bought that table and I made those precious, filthy little feet, and if I tell those feet to stay off the damn table then off the damn table they shall remain.
When They Quickly Hide Something Behind Their Back
Child, ever since you were an infant I knew that your hands, with their itty-bitty, claw-like nails, were dangerous. They were dangerous when I nursed you and you scratched my breasts alike a cat scratching a post. They were dangerous when they brought trachea-sized items into your little baby mouth. They are dangerous now, when they grab things they are not supposed to. I've always got my eyes on where your hands are. I know no good can come of them being behind your back. Let's end this charade. Yes, now.
When They Take Food From You Without Asking
Excuse me, but you already take all my time, money, and energy. Now you want to take my food? Dude. Dude. What do you think this is and who do you think I am. You do not snag a woman's breakfast cereal without asking first. Cereal is sacred. Respect that.
When They Tell You They Love Their Other Parent More
Excuse me? I am your mother. Do you have any idea how much I do for you that you don't even know about? And now, what? Other parent gives you a piggyback ride and all that labor (and yeah, in my case, I'm including the physical labor required to bring you into the world) is forgotten? At best you are allowed to love us the same amount. I will not accept playing second fiddle to that other schmendrick.
When They Give You That Look
There are but a few people who have dared to give me that look, and it didn't go well for them. I see what you're conveying with that little scowl, and now it's your move. Choose your next actions wisely, child.
When They Blame A Mess On Their Infant Sibling/Pet/Imaginary Friend
How are you smart enough to memorize every line and scientific concept depicted in every episode of Curious George yet think I'm going to fall for that. Who do you think I am, that you truly believe angrily insisting on this lie is going to make me eventually believe you. Kid, please. Get the sponge and start cleaning.
When They Demonstrate Violence
Unacceptable. Absolutely, f**king unacceptable. No.
When They Compare You To A Friend's Mom
Unless you're bringing this up to praise me, I don't want to hear it, because you may know who this other person is but you obviously have no idea who I am because I am fabulous and above all such comparisons. Also, I'm your mother so, you know, watch it.
When They Draw You
What is this? Why do I have 11 fingers on one hand? Are those fangs? Why the hell do I have fangs? And my eyes are the same color and size, so why do you have one the size of a pinhead and the other protruding beyond the side of my face? What is this? How do you see the world? Is it all this terrifying or just me?
When They Answer One Of Those Oh-So-Adorable Questionnaires About You
I'm not 7 years old or 47 feet tall. Why would you think that? That's absurd. You're absurd. Stop being so absurd.
When They Ask For Something Ridiculous
No, you can't have fudge for breakfast. Oh, are you going to cry about that? What about me has ever given you any indication that screaming like a maniac after being denied an outlandish request is going to get you anywhere? Please.
When They Call You By Your First Name
Mommy. As far as you are concerned, now and forever more, my name is Mommy. Forget you know my first name at all. I haven't gone through all the hard (if rewarding) work of rearing and raising you to call me the same thing everyone else does. I earned Mommy.
When They Tell You Your Food Is Gross
OK, well, you do better. I'll just stand back here and watch you pour milk in the toaster or whatever. Have fun eating whatever abomination you're going to concoct. Please. You don't know how good you've got it, kiddo.
When They Tell You They Don't Love You Anymore
HA! You have clearly forgotten to whom you come running whenever sh*t gets real. I can't even be hurt by you when you say this because it's painfully obvious you have momentarily forgotten who I am and WTF you are talking about.
When They Tell You Your Music Is Stupid
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I AM COOL! MY MUSIC IS COOL! RADIOHEAD AND SMASHING PUMPKINS ARE AMAZING! AND I HAVE SEEN THEM BOTH LIVE AND THAT MAKES ME REALLY COOL! I'M NOT OLD! YOU'RE OLD. Ugh.
When They Look You Square In The Eye As They Do Something Naughty
I give you points for boldness, truly. But honey, my love, my treasure: stop, think, and remember who you're dealing with. Then ask yourself, "Is the joy I will derive from this act of defiance be worth the wrath of my Queen Mother."
It never, ever is.