Although The Princess Bride was released in 1987, I'm unapologetically convinced it’s a staple in the lives of ‘90s youth the world over. Now that we’re having kids of our own, the ways that quintessential fantasy movie continues to apply to our lives is shocking, especially when you realize that The Princess Bride captures what it's like to parent a toddler to an almost astounding degree. I mean, I clearly didn't pick up on the similarities when I was watching it (two hundred times) in elementary school, but they're there. They're so there.
For example, the “Cliffs of Insanity” could totally be code for having a two-year-old. What parent hasn't thought about throwing themselves down a cliff in pursuit of a masked man with a tiny, sensual mustache, especially when their toddler is kicking and screaming on their living room floor? I know I have, and if you were a kid in the '90s, who now has their own kid and that kid is in the throes of toddlerhood and you're left wondering what in the ever-loving hell you did to deserve such torture, I'd venture to guess that you have, too.
In my humble opinion, the best way to deal with a toddler is to wax nostalgic about your youth (when things where much, much simpler) so you can really bring your life around full circle. So, having said that, please join me as I celebrate this wild, heart-stopping, dangerous adventure that is parenting a toddler by way of The Princess Bride. (Plus, this gives you a wonderful excuse to turn on Netflix and actually watch The Princess Bride. You're welcome.)
Every Time Your Child Wakes Up Early From Their Nap
Those ninety minutes are precious. They are sacred. They are often when I get the most important things on my to-do list done. Cutting them short is like pulling the chair out from under me, and then being cranky at me for the rest of the afternoon even though I'm not the one who got up early.
Trying To Get Your Child Into Their Carseat
Have you grown six inches in the last two hours, child? This should not be this hard to get that strap fastened. Safety first, I guess.
When You're At The Bottom Of The Slide
My favorite way for my kid to meet my arms at a medium-to-high speed, is when he runs into them himself. My second favorite way? When he slides into them via the slide at the park. The second is definitely a little more dangerous (those legs fly around with reckless abandon), but it's still awesome.
When Your Child Shockingly Requests More Vegetables
Yesterday, he was not feeling carrots. Today, he can't get enough of them. I even said, "Anybody want a peanut?" but he definitely still wanted carrots. This is insane.
When Your Kid Cries To Avoid Bedtime
When you're two, being asked to put on pajamas and stop playing with your favorite train, you're easily experiencing the worst day of your life. Until tomorrow, of course, when I end up asking you to do the exact same thing.
When Your Kid Enters The Sandbox At The Park
Hopefully, none of the other kids were terribly attached to their masterpieces.
When Your Kid Appears To Be Hungry But Rejects Any And All Food
Every Time They Point At Something And Blurt Out Whatever They Feel Like Saying
It's not their fault, though. They're toddlers. They'll figure it out eventually. (Although I know some adults who still act that way, so, yeah, who knows.)
When They Tug At Your Shirt And Ask To Go Outside After You Just Spent Three Hours, You Know, Outside
No, seriously. After three hours of "outside time," any additional moments spent outside the four walls of my home will have to be paid-per-minute.
When The Delivery Guy Knocks On Your Door And Wakes Your Kid Up From Their Nap Exactly 3 Seconds After They Fell Asleep
Just kidding! I'm definitely not suggesting violence, especially if your delivery guy seems like he spends his weekends fencing.
When, Um, You're Just Looking For An Excuse To Include More Mandy Patinkin
Damn, I sincerely hope this line doesn't apply to anyone's real-life experience of parenting a toddler. However, might I offer up Inigo's decades-long quest as proof that stamina and motivation do pay off? I mean, eventually he found the six-fingered man, just like eventually your kid will stop smearing banana on the couch and throwing ketchup onto the walls.
When You're Watching The Same Off-Brand YouTube Channels For The Eighth Time In A 24 Hour Period
We really need to introduce some new entertainment options to our kid. Maybe he might want to take up fencing?
When Your Kid Finally Learns How To Count
Mom's so proud of you, son! Now, let's count the number of fingers on this particular man's hand.
When They Reach For Your Partner Instead Of You
Okay, sometimes it's actually pretty great to see your kid reach for your partner. However, it can also sting a little (depending on the circumstances). I would never try to make my son or partner feel anything but fine and happy and comfortable about it, but um, sometimes it makes me feel mostly (OK, a little) dead inside.
When They Try To Grab The Glasses Off Your Face
I'm not even left-handed.
Everyday, In General
Inconceivable! Having a toddler is one of the greatest joys in the world. Now, if you'll excuse me, we have some castles to storm.