Fotolia

7 Creepy Things People Feel Fine Saying To My Pregnancy Belly

Ad failed to load

Things get weird when people start having conversations with your pregnant belly. Sometimes people will have whole interactions with your belly and forget to even greet you, like you as a person, and not as a carrier-of-child like a character in The Handmaid's Tale. Worst off, the simple act of sporting a bump seems to ignite a burning desire in people to say some stunningly crazy things. In fact, the creepy things people feel fine saying to pregnancy bellies are things I would love, and I mean love, to forget.

When this happened to me during my two pregnancies, I was forced into playing the part of "seer," like Whoopi Goldberg in the movie Ghost. Which meant that for every part of the conversation where the baby was expected to be talking back, I found myself speaking on behalf of my baby or in my baby's "voice" just so that the other person wouldn't think that my baby was being rude. "He's feeling a bit shy today," I'd say, by way of explanation as to why my fetus son wasn't saying hello.

Other times I had entire conversations where I remained a silent observer, but my "baby" had plenty of things to say about how he had slept the night before, how much he enjoyed kicking his mom that morning, and how he smiled for the camera at his mom's doctor's appointment. This is how far I will go to please people. Even strangers. Inside, however, I am slowly dying. The people talking to my belly, on the other hand, had no idea how I was feeling because they kept right on saying creepy things to my belly, including the following:

Ad failed to load

"Ooh, I Want To Touch It!"

Giphy

If by "it" you mean this actual part of my body, then ew. Please don't. There is just no way the saying you want to touch me doesn't make me think of the neighborhood child molester asking if he can play with my hair. So please don't say that to me or my belly, which is still part of me FYI. I am not a sideshow act here for your amusement, either. Keep your hands at your sides, or maybe rephrase that into a question so you can get my consent first?

Don't get me wrong, I understand the appeal. When I see a protruding pregnant belly it's like there are a dozen neon signs pointing at it that say "touch!" and "feel!" and "warm!" A pregnant belly holds the ultimate treasure inside, but it also belongs to a human being.

"Why Hello In There!"

Giphy

So, um, my baby can't hear you. OK maybe they can, but at this point in time it's all a bunch of weird muffled sounds and ambient noise to them. They certainly aren't processing your hearty greeting (or stank morning coffee breath) and if you're waiting for a "hello" back, I'm sorry to tell you that it's going to be a while. Most likely way over a year from now.

"Knock, Knock!"

Giphy

Oh hell no. Did you actually just treat my pregnant belly like a door that you're hoping to open? You do remember where many babies come out of, don't you? (If not, let me tell you, you should knock a little lower. Lower still. Like real lower.) This is so creepy, Random Person On Line at the ATM.

Ad failed to load

"Don't You Come Out Yet! You Need To Wait Until You're Fully Cooked!"

Where do I begin with this one? There is just so much that is wrong with this to unpack. OK, let's start with you ordering around the child in my pregnant belly. Unless you're their other parent I don't think you have any right to tell them what to do.

Also, I know people are wild about that "bun in the oven" expression, but you've taken the metaphor a bit too far. I don't want my baby to be "cooked," because that image gives me nightmares and I am having trouble sleeping as it is. I want my baby to be healthy, or at least able to thrive on their own outside of the womb. It may seem like I am asking a lot of the world right now when it comes to how they approach me and talk to me (and my belly for that matter) but I'm pretty emotional what with this surge of hormones and having been up all night from getting kicked in my bladder.

"Come & Play With Us! We Want To Meet You!"

Giphy

What are you, the twins from The Shining?

People used to say this to my pregnant belly as my baby were some shy puppy just home from the pound, hiding in his little doggy crate. My belly is not a crate. My baby is not a dog.

Here, I will break it down for you: I am a human being and inside of me is another soon-to-be human being who requires a very specific amount of time in order to be able to face life outside of my uterus. He is not being coy and I am not going to whisper to him encouraging words to get out of my belly and that it's OK to go play with the creepy twins in the headbands who want him to be with them forever, and ever, and ever. So. Creepy.

"You Must Be A [Insert Offensive Size Comment Here] Baby!"

Giphy

No matter what specific word a person landed on to describe the size of the baby inside my belly, I always overthought it. If a person said that my baby must be "big!" because my belly was big, then I just walked around all day thinking the words, "Big, big, I'm so big, I'm a big pregnant girl."

If someone told my belly that it was carrying a small baby inside of it (because of course size is completely subjective), I would walk around worried that something must be wrong with my baby and it's growth. As with any discussion of people's bodies and their sizes, you cannot win. It never felt good when people made comments about my baby's (and, by proxy, my belly's) size.

Ad failed to load

"Can You Give Me A Little Kick?"

(Cackles to self). "I'm sure that can be arranged."

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

10 Reasons Why I Won't Apologize For Giving My Toddler A Pacifier

My first child had no interest in a pacifier. I tried a couple times to get him to take one, but he always spat them out and gave me an incredulous, judgmental look. But my second? It was love at first suckle. And after a while, the incredulous, judg…
By Jamie Kenney

Being A Dog Parent Prepared Me For Having A Baby, Really

I’ve always wanted kids; I was never as sure about raising a puppy. Then I spent six months living with someone who brought home an eight-week-old golden retriever puppy, and I see no way to make it out of that experience claiming not to love dogs. I…
By Heather Caplan

20 Of The Most Popular Unisex Names Of All Time, That You'll Be Hearing More Of For Sure

You might think of unisex names as a fairly recent trend, but the truth is these versatile monikers have been commonly used throughout history (well, some more commonly than others). That's why the team over at Names.org recently compiled a list of t…
By Jacqueline Burt Cote

How To Have A Date Night With No Babysitter, Because It's Easier Than You Think

After having children, many couples feel that their love lives immediately go out the window, but it's so important to make your romantic life a priority so both you and your partner can be the best versions of yourselves you can be. As we all know, …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

9 Ways Baby No. 3 Made My Family Feel Complete

My husband and I decided to have another baby right after we got married and, well, we had no idea what we were getting into. I got pregnant right away, endured a high-risk pregnancy, and, before I knew it, my third baby had arrived. Together, we emb…
By Steph Montgomery

8 Stereotypes About New Dads That Are *Totally* True

Much like new mothers, new fathers have a lot on their plate. Parenting can be scary and complex, especially at first and regardless of your gender. People want to do right by their kids, after all. And since all new parents are a hot mess, dads are …
By Priscilla Blossom

8 Differences Between Being Pregnant In Your 20s Vs 30s, According To Science

Whether you're planning a pregnancy, or just thinking about your future family, it's typical to think about things like child-spacing, how many kids you want, and when to start trying to conceive. When making your pro/con list, you might also conside…
By Steph Montgomery

16 Moms Share Remedies For Their Most Intense Chocolate Cravings During Pregnancy

For better or worse, pregnancy is usually synonymous with odd cravings. Sure, there are the stereotypical combos like pickles and ice cream that plague gestating women the world over, but there are other mind-boggling combinations, too, including but…
By Candace Ganger

Putting Sunscreen On Your Kid Doesn't Have To Be A Fight — Here's How To Do It

I am almost translucent, so me and sunscreen are basically besties at this point. Even though my children are beautifully deep brown thanks to my husband's genetics, I still slather them like biscuits being buttered because I refuse to take risks wit…
By Cat Bowen

7 Things A Mom Really Means When She Says She Doesn't Want Anything On Mother's Day

Every year my family asks me what I want for Mother's Day, and every single year I tell them the same thing: Nothing. So, by now, they know that when I say "nothing" I absolutely do not mean "nothing." In fact, there are more than a few things a mom …
By Candace Ganger

19 Moms Share The Way They Cured Their Pregnancy Comfort Food Cravings

I was obnoxiously sick during the first trimester with, "lucky" for me, both of my pregnancies. For the first three months I lived on saltines, lemonade, and fresh bread. Once I was able to eat, however, all I wanted was savory and sweet comfort food…
By Dina Leygerman

8 Fascinating Facts About Babies Born In May, The Luckiest Month Of All

The height of all things fresh and springy, May is an excellent month to have a baby. It's a time of growth, graduations, and outdoor celebrations. And these fascinating facts about May babies will give you more reasons than ever to appreciate childr…
By Lindsay E. Mack

I Used To Judge Formula-Feeding Moms — Until I Became One

The other patrons in the hip Brooklyn restaurant probably couldn’t care less what I was feeding my baby, but I’ll always remember the shame I felt as I quickly mixed up his bottle of formula in front of them. I admitted to my childless friend that I …
By Katherine Martinelli

7 White Lies It’s Necessary To Tell To Keep Your Relationship Healthy

Telling lots of lies typically isn't associated with a healthy, strong, lasting relationship, and that's still certainly true, but not all lies are exactly the same. Though you've probably heard from someone at least once or twice that the lie they t…
By Lauren Schumacker

The Skinny Jeans That Saved Me Postpartum

Accepting my post-pregnancy body is hands-down one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. It’s something that I still work on every single day. During my first pregnancy, I was 20 years old, so I managed to bounce back quickly. In fact, I dropp…
By Allison Cooper

7 Ways Your Baby Is Trying To Say They Feel Safe

In those first weeks of new motherhood, it can feel like you need an interpreter for your newborn. With their limited means of communication, figuring out what message your baby is trying to get across to you can be a challenge. With time, however, y…
By Kimmie Fink

Here's Why Dogs Are Obsessed With Babies' Poop, According To Science

Most family dogs seem to understand babies, and they're more than happy to make friends with the newest member of the pack. It's adorable... for the most part and until you go to change your little one's diaper. Suddenly, you're wondering why dogs ar…
By Lindsay E. Mack

6 Signs You're Meant To Have A Big Age Gap Between Kids

There's a five year age difference between my two children, to the day. Their age gap wasn't planned but, for a variety of reasons, works well for our family. And since I was so focused on having a second baby, I totally overlooked the signs that wou…
By Candace Ganger

Here's How To Introduce Your Pet To Your Baby & Make Everything As Calm As Possible

Our home, which we lovingly refer to as “the funny farm,” is filled with four-legged family members. We have two crazy beagles and two cat jerks, and boy are they loved and spoiled. (As they should be.) But we are now finally having a baby of our own…
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Here's The Right Birth Method For You, According To Your Zodiac Sign

If you're pregnant, you've probably given childbirth some serious thought. Some moms-to-be prepare a meticulous birth plan, while others are comfortable just going with the flow. And me? Well, I made a plan... but that plan was useless when faced wit…
By Steph Montgomery

My Dog Knew I Was Pregnant Before My Family Did

Growing up, I was 100 percent sure I'd be a mom one day. To a dog, that is. My baby plans came later. And once my husband and I were sure we wanted both a dog and a baby, we'd add to our joint dog-and-baby name list over Sunday brunch or on date nigh…
By Melissa Mills
)}