Pregnancy is a pretty magical time in a woman's life. After all, she's growing and nurturing another human being and that's an incredible, beautiful thing. With it comes the knowledge that a woman's body is (sometimes, and if she chooses) designed to grow, protect, and birth actual humans. But man is pregnancy gross, too. Your body does some weird stuff while you're pregnant, which doesn't seem fair at all, considering how difficult pregnancy can be. Nevertheless, there are definitely some embarrassing moments during pregnancy that you cannot un-see.
I've been pregnant three times and have experienced some of the most mortifying, humiliating, and horrifying moments of my life as a result. Between the extra saliva (yes, that's a real pregnancy side effect) and the farting every time you take a step and the dribbling pee whenever the hell your body decides to and the puking in the shrubbery because morning sickness is really "all day freakin' long" sickness; it seems like pregnancy is one big practical joke being played on you for 40 (or more) weeks. Of course, I won't even get started with pregnancy sex. Talk about awkward, to say the least.
However, you can take some measure of comfort in knowing that if you've ever experienced the following embarrassing moments thanks to pregnancy, you're definitely not alone. So, if you see a mama-to-be with pee soaked pants or vomit on her shirt, help her out. Solidarity, y'all.
When You Experience The Trifecta
Every pregnant woman knows the trifecta: sneeze, pee, fart. It happens to all of us. The sneeze somehow manages to communicate to your bladder and your butt so all gates are open and everything happens simultaneously. If you're lucky, you will start to laugh (or cry) after you realize you just peed yourself and weren't wearing a panty liner.
When You Have That One, Giant Pregnancy Poop
This is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me and I honestly cannot believe I'm sharing it with the internet. It involves one of my biggest hangups: pooping in a public bathroom. I never, ever do it. Instead, I will do what it takes to wait until I get home. I always have. When I went to camp as a kid, I would wait days, you guys. It's a quirk, and one that I don't anticipate going away any time soon.
Well, when I was maybe 10 weeks into my first pregnancy I was constipated because pregnancy throws your body into all kinds of turmoil and prenatal vitamins are from the devil. So, I'm in this bookstore reading about all the awful tricks your body plays on you when you're pregnant, when suddenly I had to go to the bathroom. Immediately. There was no way I could wait to get home, as this was an emergency. I walk (read: ran) into the ladies room and sat down to do my business, alone. Now, there's really no tactful or discreet way to say this, so I'll just say that this pregnancy poop was, you know, huge. Seriously, huge. Thanking every God I could think of that no one else was in the bathroom, I finished. Then, to my utter horror and dismay, the door opened and two girls came in. They smelled the pregnancy poop. They commented on the pregnancy poop.
Now, at this point a rational, non-pregnant person would've probably chosen to just stay in the stall, hidden and anonymous, until the two strangers left. Or, a more confident person would've just walked out of the stall because everyone poops so NBD. I was neither rational nor confident, so what did do? I started crying and flew out of the stall, slamming the door open and running towards the exit. I have yet to return to that particular bookstore.
When You Suffer From Pregnancy Brain
One night, I stopped at Target to buy some of the more embarrassing pregnancy necessities, namely huge underwear, panty liners, and, yes, a bag of chips.
I waddled up to the register, pulled out my debit card, and absolutely blanked on my PIN number. There were people behind me, so I was feeling the pressure. I tried every combination I could think of, but none of them were right. My PIN, which I'd used for years, was completely wiped from my memory. I was mortified, and yes, I started crying. The people behind me were grumbling, the cashier was looking at me like I was an alien, so I did what anyone would've done: I turned around and walked the hell out. No explanation. No words. Just, you know, gone.
When You Have Gas. So. Much. Gas.
The more I think about my pregnancies, the more I'm remembering just how awful some aspects of pregnancy actually are. Constipation, overactive emotions, vomiting, pee that comes out whenever it wants; it all seems so relentless so do we really have to have crazy amounts of gas, too? I mean, isn't that a little over the line?
The worst part, of course, is that you can't hold it in. It's like your butt has a mind of it's own and no amount of clinching will aid you and your efforts. When it happens, just keep walking and look so fierce and in control that no one would even consider that it was you.
When You Experience The Laugh/Cry Emotion
When you're pregnant, it's like your brain can no longer determine appropriate responses to different emotions, so it just makes you cry. Mad? Cry. Happy? Cry. Sad? Ugly cry. Laughing? Manic-laugh-cry-look-like-a-crazy-person.
I once cried when a Beyoncé song came on the radio, because she's that awesome and her songs are that good. My brain couldn't process enjoyment, so it made me cry. To a song.
And then I (probably) peed.
When You Find (Another) Skin Tag
If you have done any reading about pregnancy and all it's wonders, you've probably read about skin tags; tiny little blebs of skin that just pop out of nowhere. I rolled my eyes and thought, "Ew!" when I first read about them, never once considering that I'd actually experience one for myself. Ha.
I was washing my face when I felt a flappy little bump on my neck. It wouldn't wash away and when I tried to scratch it, yikes it hurt. I looked closer and saw what looked like a little worm sticking out of my skin. It was a skin tag, and you would have thought I died. Actually, I did. Right there on the spot. I died.
That damn skin tag was on my throat, in the front, right out in the light of day where everyone could see it. How do you cover something like that up? After all, it wasn't necessarily scarf weather. Thanks a lot, pregnancy.
When You Experience Aberrant Hair Growth
Remember that time you found a long hair on the bottom of your chin? Just dangling there, blowing in the wind? Yeah, that was fun. Especially since you know it's been there for a while because, well, it's two inches long.
When will this nonsense end, pregnancy? You know what? If the answer isn't immediately, don't answer that question.