Pregnancy is a nine month struggle with humiliation, discomfort, and salvation of any shred of dignity (which I failed miserably at). Sure, there's some good stuff sandwiched in there, like first flutters, eating more than usual without regret, and having an excuse to rest whenever I felt like it. But for me, there are probably more pregnancy moments I would love to forget (though others likely won't) than reminisce about. Long before pregnancy, I gave into the old adage I'd have a "glow" and would look adorable in literally anything because — hello — I'd have a tiny human in my body! It's adorable, right? I truly believed nothing could ruin something I had yet to experience. After all, everything I heard about pregnancy was based on the darling maternity clothes, couple's maternity pictures, and tiny onesies. Cute.
Fast forward to actually being pregnant.
Is it possible for one to embarrass themselves on a near-constant basis? The answer to that is yes. A thousand times, yes. While I couldn't help all the things my body did to make room, and care, for my baby, it doesn't make it any less horrifying. Actually when I think back, there were some pretty awful moments I'd like to never speak about again. With that, I'm going to tell you all of them (!) because I'm sure someone out there can relate. I hope.
Having Gas In Front Of My Partner
I still remember the exact moment it happened. I was a few months pregnant, laying on the couch with my partner at the opposite end. All was quiet until, well, you know. It was the first time this kind of thing had happened but I couldn't stop it. My poor pregnant body was full of gas that desperately wanted out! My partner's face, with laughter to follow, is still an image I won't forget. I'm a demure gal, private and sensible in most ways. Then this happened and I lost all credibility. Ugh, thanks pregnancy.
Using A Suppository To Aid Morning Sickness
I'm sorry, but have you ever used medicine that's meant to go through your butt? Maybe some are cool with it, but I wasn't prepared in any way. Lying on the floor, asking my partner to "help," I tried and failed due to the fact that the whole process made me faint. Yes, it was that traumatizing and I never wish to repeat it again.
Leaking Amniotic Fluid
It's as disgusting as it sounds. My second pregnancy put my body on notice. I first thought maybe I'd peed or my water broke early (doctor said "nope"), but once I started leaking around six months I didn't stop until induction. The fluid leaking was visible through clothing, smelled awful, and left no cushion in my body for the baby. It was hell.
When my friends weren't sure they could make it to my baby shower, I couldn't help myself. I was upset. I mean, I was having a baby, guys. Of course I see now how selfish I was being because life isn't all about me, but still. I let them have it only to be surprised by an additional baby shower they threw a few weeks later. I'm sure they won't forget it but I wish I could. It's so not me. Basically, sorry for what I saw when I was pregnant!
Jealousy Over Nothing
When an old friend of my partner's came into town, I was all for meeting her. Well, at first. The more I thought about it, stewed over it, and let my hormones take over my thoughts, I pretty much ruined the whole night. What could have been a nice dinner where I could've met someone important to the love of my life, ended up being me sitting home alone sobbing while he went without me. Of course, the entire situation meant nothing to me days later.
I hate that I missed out on the moment, that it caused a stupid argument and stress with my partner, and mostly, that I became this jealous version of myself.
Making A Scene In The Restaurant
Once upon a time, a pregnant woman (me) stepped into the bathroom at a beloved restaurant. She was wearing flip flops and hadn't paid attention to the door as she shut the door. Once she'd ripped her toenail off, she screamed and ran to her partner while the whole place looked on. Then, after the bleeding sort of stopped, they got ice cream. The end.
Side note: That toenail never did grow back right.
Crying Over The Sex Of Our Baby
I admit, when we went in for our super special ultrasound, it was revealed I'd be having — gasp — a boy. Oh, the gender disappointment! At the time, I thought my daughter was perfect and brilliant and I'd have loved to have another just like her. Of course I wanted a healthy baby over all else, but the results caught me off guard so yes, I cried. A lot. Like way too much. I cried and dramatically asked the sky "Why?" because I thought I knew what was best. Let's be clear though: my son is my ultimate sunshine and, while I'm glad I let myself feel however I needed to at the time, I couldn't have been more wrong. My daughter is great, but man, I'd have missed out on so much if I'd had another girl and didn't experience all I have with him. Basically, can we just forget about this one?
Pregnancy, you cruel and beautiful thing, you. I realize all of these things had to happen before I could bring my gorgeous babies into the world. but seriously, if I'm ever pregnant again (I don't plan on it), can we maybe skip most/all of it and just do the glow thing? Thanks, in advance.