Fotolia

7 Things Every Laboring Woman Thinks When She's Getting That Damn Catheter

Ad failed to load

When you picture going to the hospital to have a baby, all kinds of anxiety-inducing things come to mind: a flurry of doctors and nurses hovering over you in the wake of an emergency, being rushed to surgery, and the fear of the epidural needle, to name a few. No no one seems to think about that damn post-epidural catheter, though, and it's kind of the worst. In fact, I bet there are things every laboring woman thinks when she's getting a catheter, and most of them are of the "hell no" variety. At a time when the whole point is to get something out of your body (the baby), inserting something into your body (the catheter) just doesn't seem right.

I was ill-prepared for the catheter-insertion part of my labor. I already was feeling beyond uncomfortable, even with the epidural having been inserted. I mean, yeah, I felt floaty and drunk from the drugs, but I also was very aware of the fact that from here on out I was a prisoner in my hospital bed. First, the epidural made my legs feel like cement blocks, rendering me unable to walk even if I had been willing. And if by some miracle I had been able to overcome the powerful epidural, and had forgotten about the catheter being attached, boy would I be in for a painful reminder the minute I tried to wander from my hospital bed.

At one very dark hour during my labor, I remember thinking that maybe epidurals and catheters are how hospitals keep pregnant women prisoners so they can do what they will to them. But that was just the crazy pregnant lady on drugs talking. Still, there are a lot of things that run through a woman's mind when she's about to get a catheter. Here are a few of them:

Ad failed to load

"Wait, Where Are You Putting That Thing?"

Giphy

Oh hell no. Sorry. That's not going anywhere near me. Nope. Not a chance. You can go stick that somewhere else. And yes, I can tell you where to stick it if you need some hints.

"Oh, The Humanity!"

Giphy

Sure, you have an epidural and most likely wouldn't feel it if someone sawed off your leg right now, but Jesus Christmas, we live in modern times. Isn't there a much more civil, less invasive way to get urine to exit the body? Can't we just reserve catheters for the menfolk to give them something to talk about when trading war stories? Why must we endure those awful epidural needles and a catheter tube being stuck into our pee holes?

"Why Didn't Anyone Warn Me About This Part?"

Giphy

There are so many injustices, both big and small, that can happen during labor and delivery, so why didn't any of our friends tell us about these things in advance? Is it all a conspiracy? Maybe your friends kept these things secret because if they let these tidbits out then no one would ever have babies again, and we would usher in some kind of apocalyptic world where women refuse to bear children.

Ad failed to load

"How Many More Things Are Going To Be Poked Or Pulled In And Out Of My Body?"

Now that it has been revealed that the hospital has some surprises in store for you, you can't help but be a teeny bit suspicious. What else is in that hospital birth grab bag o' tricks? At this point you might be looking around the room more closely than when you had first entered it. Previously harmless objects are taking on a more sinister meaning. Like that cup over there. It looks like a drinking cup, but what if that's yet another thing that they intend to blindside you with by saying, "Psych! Now we're going to use this to measure the circumference of your cervix!"

"This Wasn't Part Of My Birth Plan"

Giphy

I was abundantly clear in my birth plan (which I made multiple copies of to pass out to the hospital staff) about the order of events that I was willing to endure and what I was expecting to take place. A catheter being inserted into my urethra was not part of the plan.

"Fine, It's Not Like I Have Any Dignity Left Anyway"

Giphy

When I first walked into the labor and delivery room I had my dignity (or what was left of it after my hell-raising 20s.). Then I was asked to put on one of those flimsy hospital gowns that was open to the back, and stopped to have a conversation with a nurse midway between the bathroom and my bed. I turned around and saw a young, good-looking intern taking notes right behind me, my derriere hanging out there for all to see. So when it came time for the catheter to be inserted, I basically had to wave goodbye to any and all modesty.

Ad failed to load

"Maybe I Should Try To Enjoy This Feeling"

Once the damn thing was put inside me (I relented) I forced myself to relax into the idea. It was, after all, my (hopefully) one opportunity in life to do one less thing. Having to get up to go to the bathroom takes precious time and energy and, at least for those hours during labor, I was relinquished of the responsibility. My trusty catheter zipped that urine right out of my body in a sanitary and safe way. With the epidural working its magic and the catheter ensuring that I could just sit on my tush not having to do anything but binge on Netflix until it was really Go Time for baby, I gave into the feeling and just let go.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

8 Things That *Will* Go Wrong Every Time You Plan A Kid-Free Night

The last time my husband and I went out to dinner alone was… actually, I can’t remember. But I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen a movie in a theater in the last year. Before we had children we used to go out all the time. But even with …
By Liza Wyles

These Photos Of North West Then & Now Will Take You On A Sweet Trip Down Memory Lane

When Kim Kardashian welcomed her first daughter, North West, with her husband, Kanye West, in 2013, her whole life was changed. The social media and reality TV star became a mom for the first time and her Instagram presence took a very adorable turn.…
By Casey Suglia

11 Photos You *Must* Take During The Last Days Of Your Pregnancy

During my first pregnancy, I took a photo each week to document my growing belly. I stopped around 36 weeks, though. I hated how I looked in those pictures, and didn't think I'd want to relive those moments. I was wrong. My second pregnancy was a dum…
By Steph Montgomery

This Is What It Means If Your Pregnancy Test Changes Overnight

The time between when a woman suspects she might be pregnant and when it is confirmed for sure is the longest of her life. Regardless of whether you are hoping for a positive or a negative result, the odds are good that you are sweating bullets when …
By Shannon Evans

6 Red Flags To Definitely Look Out For After Your Baby Falls

The first time my infant son tried to take a few steps, he tumbled and bumped his head on the coffee table. My blood turned to ice in my veins and I froze. There truly isn't anything quite like the feeling a parent gets when their little one gets hur…
By Sarah Bunton

These 9 Instant Pot Recipes Will Make Even The Pickiest Eater Happy At The Table

Like any parent, I've had my share of parenting hits and misses, but one of my favorite "wins" is my daughter's diverse palate. I don't even know if I can take credit for it, but I would like to think I had something to do with her love for lentils, …
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

Turns Out, Kim Kardashian's Favorite Mom Products Look A Lot Like Your Own Faves

Being a mom is really hard work, especially for the first few months, and Kim Kardashian West is no different in that regard. Now the mother of three, Kardashian says that there are a few products she just can't live without when it comes to raising …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Soda Might Hurt Your Fertility, Study Says, & Here's What You Can Do

Who doesn't love sugary drinks? I stopped drinking soda years ago, but I still love gulping down those fancy Starbucks coffee beverages. I don't have a big sweet tooth, but I am a sucker for sugar-sweetened beverages every now-and-then. Turns out, th…
By Annamarya Scaccia

10 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 30s

If you're like me, you evaluate the pros and cons of any major life decision. When my husband and I were considering starting a family, I thought about my career, education, and financial stability. I wanted to know how a pregnancy and childbirth wou…
By Steph Montgomery

This Woman Thought She Had An Eyelash Stuck In Her Eye. Then It Moved.

I'm not a person who is easily icked out. As a kid, I collected bugs and thought I was going to be an entomologist and asked Santa Claus for ant farms and nets to catch bees. I'm still super curious about anything that flies and crawls, which might s…
By Karen Fratti

5 Red Flags Your Toddler Isn't Eating Enough

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters, at least in my experience. You offer mashed potatoes, they want french fries. You give them crackers, they scream for chips. It's frustrating, to be sure, but it's usually their way of vying for independence. It…
By Candace Ganger

11 Ways Your Pregnancy Will Be Different If You Have A Boy Vs A Girl

If you've been pregnant before, you might start comparing your previous pregnancies to that of your current pregnancy. A lot of things can change from pregnancy to pregnancy, based on a whole host of different factors (including how well you remember…
By Lauren Schumacker

35 Moms Share The Most Disgusting Things Their Husbands Do

I'm a human being who revels in challenges. I like when people present me with one, especially if they don't think I can meet or succeed it, and I like taking a challenge on, especially if it's unexpected. So when I aimed to uncover the most disgusti…
By Jamie Kenney

How Having Kids In Your 20s Affects You Later In Life

For parents, like myself, who had kids in their 20s, there are a number of questions that come to mind. When you're deciding what your future will look like, you'll likely consider what this means for your health, career, and more down the line. Thin…
By Tessa Shull

12 Moms Share How They Stay Healthy During Flu Season

Unfortunately, we're in the middle of the roughest flu seasons in recent memory. And we’re not totally out of the woods, either. People around the country are still getting the flu, and, sadly, some of them are having to be hospitalized due to flu-re…
By Priscilla Blossom

8 "Mistakes" I'm Glad I Made During My First Pregnancy

As an adult, I've learned you never really stop hating being told what to do. When I was pregnant I was getting instructions at every turn, from doctors, relatives, and complete strangers on the subway. I would nod and smile but then go about making …
By Liza Wyles

Study: Drinking Two Glasses Of Wine A Day Is Good For Your Mind — Here's Why

There’s more scientific proof that a daily drink or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and could have a place in an overall healthy lifestyle. A new study out of the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) in New York found that — in mice, at le…
By Tiffany Thomas

Research Says Eating Carbs Can Lead To A Healthy Pregnancy, So Bring On The Pasta

In the world of me, no food is better than bread. I know it's supposed to be pretty terrible for you, high in calories, low in protein, and full of that modern-day demon, gluten... but guys, it's really yummy. Especially warm out of the oven, when th…
By Jen McGuire

These Photos Of Prince George Then & Now Will Give You Serious Baby Fever

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their third child in Spring 2018. With all of the excitement surrounding the new baby, it's easy to forget all of the good times that have already passed. The couple's eldest is already well into the sc…
By Azure Hall

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
By Lindsay E. Mack