As I sat among the busy hum of other frantic consumers at the Apple Store's Genius Bar, I wondered what other areas in life the Apple Genius' "genius" extends to. If they can free up storage space with the click of a key on my laptop, could they perform miracles, say, in my life as a mom, too? After all, I believe geniuses are supposed to be expert in more than just one thing. I'm pretty certain there's a solid list of things every mom wishes an Apple genius could actually fix. Am I alone in this daydream? You know what? If I am, don't answer that question.
In my Luddite-type mind, the Apple Geniuses walk on water. They know the secrets that lie deep within that thing that I'll never understand, otherwise known as the iCloud. If anyone tries to explain the inner workings of my computer or iPhone, my brain simply will not process it. I've made peace with this fact, and am happy to be able to use my devices for what they are intended and bring them to the experts (or someone under the age of 25) when they're broken.
As a sleep-deprived, often stressed out mom, I often switch to daydream mode if left unstimulated for periods of time. In only this way, I am similar to my MacBook Air when it goes into "sleep" mode. So as I wait to be assisted by my Apple Genius, I imagine all the ways that same Genius might be able to come to my rescue in my daily, seemingly never-ending mom problems, from the ones that challenge me technologically to the ones that go a bit (read: a lot) deeper. Here are some other things that I expect lots of moms wouldn't mind a Genius' help in fixing. If only.
Your Utter Unwillingness To Make & Print Photo Albums
If an Apple Genius could come up with some easy way to get rid of all the family photos you don't need without actually having to go through each and every single photograph, and then take all the good photos and make a photo album you will cherish forever, you'd be very impressed, right?
When I had just one child to care for, I had the time to make photo albums. In fact, I made two kinds of photo albums: one with print photos that I could actually hold in your hand, and another in the form of a photo book. I know. Insane, right? I wanted to cover all the bases. Now that I'm a mother to two kids, the only printed photos I have of my second child are the ones we get on school picture day and my photo album collection seems to have stopped after my second child's first birthday.
That Confrontational Email Your Preschooler Sent To Your BFF By Mistake
You've been there, right? Where you've written an angry, expletive-filled email to your BFF who betrayed you in some deeply painful way but this was the first draft and you knew you were absolutely not going to send the email until you'd slept on it? But then a small human who was playing some infuriatingly captivating game your phone somehow got into your mail and sent your email prematurely? No matter how many follow up "do not read the email I just sent you, it was a complete mistake!" text messages you send, you know your BFF is going to read the that email.
But why? Why can't an Apple Genius come up with an "Unsend" app? We've put people on the moon and cured all kinds of crazy diseases. Hell, we have iClouds! There has to be an Apple Genius who knows the secret to creating an Unsend App. There just has to be.
All Those Toddler Nostril Selfies On Your Phone
Please, Apple Genius. Please just magic away all the toddler selfies on my phone because I just can't with the 15,000 bursts of blurry nostrils. It's taking up all my storage space, and when I tried to get a sexy pic of myself looking cute before heading out with my girls the other day, I couldn't. My storage was full. Why? Too many nostril pics. And I am too lazy to go through my library to find each and every one in order to delete them.
The Toilet-Paper-Roll-In-The-Toilet Situation
Help! Your toddler has just done the thing they said they would do in that song they were singing, but you were ignoring them because you thought it was just a made-up song about "throwing all the toilet paper in the toilet la la la." And you don't know how to use a plunger. You don't even own a plunger. Apple Geniuses seem to know all kinds of things, don't they? Surely they can use plungers, right?
The Fact That YouTube Kids Exists
I've never spoken to a mom who is like, "Oh, yes, I just love YouTube kids for it's highly selective educational children's viewing content." Somehow, within minutes of my choosing something that seems "fine" for my preschooler to watch, I hear the sing-song voice of one of those disembodied narrators showing off some extensive Barbie Play-doh collection. I tell my son he needs to watch another show, like a real show instead of a homemade video, and he says, "No, when this is over." I look, and, of course, the video is two hours and 45 minutes long. That's right, he's watching a two hour and 45 minute long Barbie unboxing video.
Apple Genius, I beg you to come up with something better than YouTube kids. Could you do that for me, and for our future leaders?
Your iCalendar Scheduling Snafus
Your partner texted to say that they rescheduled their gym night to tonight, not tomorrow, so you'll need to do after school pickup today. You forgot to put this into your iCalendar because you were busy removing a toilet paper roll from inside your toilet (by hand, for the damn record). As you book it over to school (late), you curse the fact that your phone isn't smart enough to read your emails and update your calendar accordingly. Geniuses? I'm looking at you for this one.
Your "What The Hell Am I Making For Dinner?" Problem
It's the end of the day (almost) and you are finishing up at the Apple Store but you still have no idea what you are feeding the family for dinner. You also don't have any food in the fridge (that your kids will actually eat). Wouldn't it be great if your local Apple Genius could send you off to your home with a little dinner idea in hand, and maybe even a bag of groceries that they had anticipated (via an algorithm) you needing and wanting? Now that, my friends, would be genius.
Your Low Libido
A lot of moms complain about lower libidos after having kids. It's a thing. Blame it on hormones, lack of sleep, increased stress, or a host of other contributing factors. And a lot of women will do whatever it takes to get it back, from spending money on toys, to seeing therapists, to experimenting with role play, or switching medications.
But why can't the Apple Genius help out a little? The Apple Genius is great at turning things on that haven't worked for a long, long time. They locate things that are hard to find, that no one else was able to put their finger (er, mouse) on. Wouldn't it make sense to think that an Apple Genius might know a thing or two around the human body, too?
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