9 Times Your Kid Will Straight Up Ruin The Word "Surprise"

by Steph Montgomery

I hate surprises. I am a planner, I have social anxiety, and I am pretty much a hot mess regardless, so I don't appreciate wrenches being thrown into my day. My kids, however, love surprises. Surprise parties, yelling "surprise!" as they jump around corners, surprise trips to the store — pretty much anything that adds novelty to their lives. So, unfortunately, for parents like me there are so many times your kid will ruin the word "surprise."

Surprises seem fun, sure, but when kids are involved the "fun" is incredibly short-lived. It's not likely that a "surprise" in your day-to-day mom life means you've won an all-expenses paid, inclusive vacation or people have thrown you an extravagant party. It's more like:

Surprise! Your toddler finally pooped... on the floor.

Surprise! It's dress up day at school... which starts in 10 minutes.

Surprise! Your tween started their period... and you're on vacation at a water park.

There are so many ways my kids surprise me on a daily basis, like when my daughter decided to tell the neighbors I was pregnant and when my son gave himself a "stylish" haircut. Then, of course, there are those fun surprises that always follow my children forgetting something, like when my kids fail to give me a school form I was supposed to sign... due last week.

Parenthood is full of, "Holy sh*t, I was not expecting that!" moments, which is probably the only part of motherhood you shouldn't be surprised by: you're never going to know, for sure, what each day will bring. Personally, I would rather have my boring routine than deal with the following but, well, this is #MomLife, folks.

"Surprise! I Don't Feel So Good."

The phrase "I don't feel so good" almost always means, "I am going to puke right now on either you, the car seat, in your hands, or in your mouth." Surprise!

"Surprise! I Pooped."

You might think this would be a nice surprise, especially if you've ever potty trained a toddler. However, I can basically guarantee you that the first time your child says, "Mommy, I pooped!" it will not have been in the potty or "big kid" toilet. This shouldn't be a shocker but, well, a misplaced poop (or worse, poop-filled pants), is never a good surprise.

"Surprise! I Started My Period."

My partner and I are lucky enough to have a baby in diapers and a tween in puberty (and everything in between). When our oldest got her period for the first time, at age 10, we totally weren't ready. Also, did you know that kids are really bad at keeping track of things? So this generally means that her period happens when she, and we, are not prepared — like on a road trip, or on vacation at a water park — which is not exactly the time or place to teach a kid how to use tampons.

"Surprise! It's Dress Up Day. I Need A Costume."

I usually find out about spirit week at school at the breakfast table the morning of. Then I feel like I have to scramble and find the items of clothing my kids want/need to wear, only to remember I haven't done laundry in over a week or we don't actually own the item they want to wear. FML.

"Surprise! My Project Is Due Tomorrow."

We have learned some tricks over the years to keep track of daily homework assignments, but that does us no good when one of our kids has a large project that's suddenly due last minute. So, yeah, our oldest ended up doing her science fair poster the night before it was due (in the dark, because the power went out), and there have been countless family trees and baby picture submissions my partner and I have learned about on the way out the door. Surprise.

"Surprise! The Money Is Due Today."

Yeah, I never have cash, so if you need money for a field trip or special purchase, you need to give me advance notice. Surprise.

"Surprise! I Scared You."

I hate being startled. It's horrible for my anxiety. Somehow this makes it even more "fun" for my kids, though. They hide behind furniture, under blankets, and around corners to jump out and scare me or creep into my room and stare at me when I am sleeping. Not cool.

"Surprise! Mommy Is Pregnant."

When I got pregnant with my oldest son, it was a total surprise. A happy one, to be sure, but a surprise nonetheless. I guess it does only take one time to get pregnant. I didn't appreciate my daughter telling everyone we saw that I was pregnant and that it was a surprise, including a coworker of mine, when we were not sharing our news yet. Thanks, dear.

"Surprise! I Cut My Own Hair."

Courtesy of Steph Montgomery

While I totally support my kids' choices about their hair, I did not appreciate when my 4-year-old son deciding to cut his own hair and leave the evidence on the couch.

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