Romper

If People Were Honest During Sex, It Would Exactly Sound Like This — VIDEO

Ever wonder what it would be like to have mind-reading capabilities during sex? To actually know what the hell our partners are thinking before, during, and after the deed? You might, for example, wonder if that cup of coffee or nightcap is actually an invitation to sex or if they’re still feeling out the situation. You might also wonder what they’re thinking about your body, or if they are anywhere near close to coming, or if you are. And then, of course, there’s the whole “should I spend the night after sex?” conundrum that comes with those first few hookups. (I honestly never considered how much faking-and-guessing-and-doubting we do when we first start sleeping with someone until now that I'm thinking about what it would be like to have the ability to cut through all of that.)

At any rate, if folks were just honest about sex, it might sound a lot like this Buzzfeed video of a couple's inner monologue during a first boom-boom sesh. All of this definitely applies more to a first-time rendezvous rather than the kind of sex you might have 5 years into a relationship (or the type of sex you’d have during your toddler’s nap time which, let’s face it, mostly revolves around thinking “must stay quiet so the kid doesn’t wake up before everyone gets to have an orgasm") but actually, a lot of it is pretty universally true of hookups no matter how long into a relationship they take place (don't act like you don't still angle for some flattering light even if you're boning someone for the 5,000th time).

The Invitation

In this video, the casual excuse to get closer to having sex is inviting someone in for wine, but there are certainly other ways we all do this. Inviting someone up because they “forgot their jacket” last time, or inviting your spouse to a nice, relaxing massage in the bedroom (in the hopes it’ll turn into more), are just some of the ways we drop hints and dance around the potential for copulation.

The Quick Bathroom Getaway

Hey, guess what? Women's bodies are not pristine fountains of Evian and glitter and dreams. We sweat and get grody, and we don't love to be either of these things the first time we hook up with someone. This is one of many reasons we end up running into the bathroom prior to sex like the girl in the video not wanting the guy to smell her “cheesy” vagina. Other reasons might include: removing a tampon, Diva Cup, or pad; rinsing your mouth/checking your teeth for food; re-applying make-up; or even actually using the toilet.

The Lighting Scenario

Who wants to have sex under a glaring surgical light, aka, what all lights turn into somehow when it's time for sex. While we should all be comfortable enough in our own skin to let our partners see us full on (and to see our partners bodies as well), most of us feel a little sexier with the lights dimmed. It's just a fact of the universe. I'll confront my body image issues and the hellish social messages that have embedded them into my brain later — sex first.  

The Birth Control / STI Barrier Reminder

Unless it’s with a long-trusted partner, you’re probably seeking out a condom (or dental dam or other form of birth control / STI barrier) at this point. One person will usually think to bring it up and either ask if you have or they’ll bust something out like the woman in the video does. And then, of course, there’s waiting for the item to be put on/placed in properly. In terms of condoms (which is what we see here), the mood can suddenly take a pause as some guys have a bit of trouble maintaining an erection at this point. Oh, penises, you guys sure can be hard to deal with. (GET IT?!) Or worse is when either party is fumbling around getting it out of the package and on to the penis. The important thing is to keep in mind, though, is: You’re Going To Have Sex! Yay!

The Pep Talk

This pretty much goes on from the moment you start making out up until the main event begins. You might try to remember the last time you even had sex, or you’ll hope that your new partner turns out to be as amazing at sex as they are at kissing and conversation (which is probably how they wound up there to begin with). Some folks might even be on the fence between talking themselves out of the situation (because they’re on their period or maybe because they were seeing someone else but it wasn’t “solid” or whatever), but then say screw it because sex is fun and they want to do it. We all have a little internal monologue going beforehand, whether it’s an excited realization or a, “please don’t mess this up" pep talk

The Awkward Thoughts During The Performance

“I’m so thirsty.”

“God, this makes me have to fart.”

“I just thought about my ex.”

It happens. I would also add:

“My leg is cramping up, ouch!”

“That’s starting to burn.”

“Should I keep making eye contact?”

“Will they be offended if I close my eyes?”

“They look like they’re enjoying this position but it totally sucks for me. Ehh, I'll move anyway.”

“I hope they don’t see my (insert things you’re uncomfortable with about your body here).”

Have those kegels been working out?"

“Man, I’m hungry.”

“The last person was better.”

“They are never going to make me cum.”

“Will they be weirded out if I ask them to spank me the first time we have sex?”

And so on and so forth.

And Finally...

So many things run through our minds after sex (after the blood rushes back to our brains, that is). For some, it's wanting to cuddle. For others, it's wondering when they can go home (or in the case of the woman in the video, when she can hit the bathroom to pee and avoid a UTI). Some might be thinking about the amazing orgasm they just had, while others might be pissed about the orgasm they did not have. While it would be kind of great to get some full and upfront honesty after going full frontal nude with someone, I'm thinking some things might be better left unsaid.

Watch The Full Video Here

Images: YouTube(9)