I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I have just uncovered a shocking fact about Toll House cookie morsels: they may, in fact, be made out of unicorns. At least, Nestle’s new “Unicorn” morsels, featuring pink and blue swirls, sure do look like they're made out of actual, real, verifiable unicorn material. While Nestle may claim these morsels are “made with real vanilla,” is it really all that crazy to read that as code for, “made with real, ground-up unicorn powder?”
Each 10-ounce bag is only around $3, and these unicorn chips can be found at Target, Walmart, Kroger, and Publix, plus other grocery stores, according to Popsugar. (But you should probably act fast, as they're already sold out on the Walmart website.) You may wondering how these could be made out of real unicorns when they're so affordable. Well, little known fact about the magical realm: It is lousy with unicorns. You can’t even spit without hitting a unicorn. So I’m honestly not surprised that Nestle has finally explored the untapped unicorn industry.
Now, of course, Nestle would argue that the morsels contain no unicorn, as the ingredients of the unicorn morsels clearly state: “sugar, palm kernel oil, hydrogenated palm oil, blue 1 lake, red 3, soy lecithin, milk, vanilla extract." But here’s the thing: unicorns don’t play by our world’s rules. When you harvest a unicorn from the magical realm, and bring it into the “real” world, I’m pretty sure (let me check my notes first) that they turn into piles of sugar and vanilla. Kind of like when you try to harvest a deep-sea fish and bring it to the surface and it turns into an amorphous jelly, except with magic and unicorns.
Lest you feel sorry for the unicorns, I can assure you from my extensive, very real and scientifically verifiable observations: unicorns want to be baked into cookies. It is their ultimate dream, to be turned into a pile of vanilla morsels, and baked into a star-shaped sugar cookie, mixed into a Rice Krispy Treat, or gently pressed into a oven-softened snickerdoodles. A unicorn’s purpose in life is to bring joy to children, and what better way than to become a cookie?
And if you’re worried that this harms the unicorns, remember: these are magical, dimension-warping creatures who scoff at the physics of time and space. Being turned into cookies is the least of their worries. In fact, to these reality-bending ungulates, getting turned into sugary morsels and baked into a cookie is like a fun spa day. I mean, look at the smiling unicorn on the packaging: Does that unicorn look sad to be turned into beautiful pink-and-blue swirled morsels that are sure to bring a smile to any child? No, the unicorn is hyped. And like a phoenix, I’m sure the unicorn will rise from the ashes of the cookies (side note, if your cookies are ashes might I suggest lowering the oven temp just a tad) and live another day to become even more baked confections.
Look, I’m not crazy here. Even Nestle admits their morsels are “magical,” saying on their website, “Add a MAGICAL twist to your everyday treats. Bake into your favorite cookies and brownies, or top pancakes and cupcakes with our colorful morsels to bring unicorn wonder to your creation.” Sure, they may argue that “magical" and “unicorn wonder” are not to be taken absolutely literally, but it’s hard not to jump to conclusions when you see those pink and blue swirls. Am I to believe that mere humans managed to fit so much colorful swirliness into these morsels? No, this is magic beyond our mortal methods. This is the unmistakable hallmark of real life unicorns.