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Open Letter To Parents Of A Slytherin Kid From An Adult Slytherin

Warner Bros.

Dear Parents of a Slytherin Kid,

I realize that right now you're...concerned. Your thoughts are occupied with concerns of Azkaban and dark marks; you’re worried that your precious little will become a cog in a violent war that will end in death and destruction (but also some seriously cool DVD extras, so there's that). Being the parent of a Slytherin isn't easy and your fears are completely valid: They may very well come to fruition. But I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be OK. Even if you're not sure how to raise a child from Slytherin.

I’d also like to add, I’m sorry that your child’s not sorry. Because your child, very seriously, isn’t sorry. You know those times when you make your kid apologize and you feel slightly sick to your stomach when they do? Yeah, that’s The Slytherin Effect and there’s no chance that apology meant anything other than, “I’ll find a way to make you pay for this humiliation you're subjecting me to.” This is especially true if your Malfoy-esque spawn is under the age of three. Those venomous snakes hold nothing sacred.

I should know, because I was, am, and will forever remain a Slytherin.

I understand nothing I’ve told you so far leads to the conclusion that it’s all going to be OK. If anything, I might have raised your anxiety levels. But it really is going to be good...someday. Knowing how to raise children is hard enough but raising a Slytherin is a special brand of difficult. Here are a few ways you can look at your child’s behavior differently so you’re able to sleep at night.

Defiance Is A Sign Of Strength

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Aren’t you proud to have a gifted child? While other parents have Hufflepuffs who follow every rule with a smile on their precious faces, your little Slytherin is devising a plan to destroy those who stand against him. Yes, your child will break rules and fight you on every possible thing but that’s the type of thing that creates powerful adults. And there’s still a slight chance that power will be used for good (so very slight).

Villainous Beginnings Produce Excellent Character Arcs

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You wouldn’t want your child’s life story to be boring, would you? No, no parent would want that. But to have an interesting story, you need an excellent character arc and, well, you have to start somewhere. At least if you start in the worst place imaginable, it can only get better, right? (Let's just assume that's true.)

They Will Owe You So Much One Day For Dealing With Them

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For real, guys. When your kid comes round to the light and realizes all you endured, you will be able to choose any nursing home you want (and any nurse; Dean Winchester will be mine). Your little Slytherin will grow up to be both powerful and forever in your debt. So, the next time they execute a feat of dark magic that results in disciplinary action and a series of insincere apologies, think of margaritas on a tropical beach and know your little will be picking up the tab.

They’ll Always Have The Good Booze When They Grow Up

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If there’s one thing we know about Slytherins, it’s that being better than everyone else is a given and, of course, this extends to our taste in alcohol. Yes, your child may grow to be a murderous wretch but the poisoned drink he will serve you will be a damn good drink.

Dark Marks Are Kind Of Awesome. Like, Your Kid Is Awesome. You Can At Least Admit That.

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Everyone loves tattoos. The way that snake slides perfectly along the arm will entrance anyone and everyone they want. I realize as a parent this may cause your stomach to turn at even faster intervals, but I mean, you do want that kind of power for your child, right?

They Have A Calling

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Sure, that calling happens to be dark magic, but at least they won’t end up living in your basement asking what’s for dinner when they’re 45 years old. Well, they might have died in an epic battle between good and evil by then, but you see the point.

Ultimately, there are a number of ways to approach your child’s tendencies that will pacify your fears. And if all of that fails, and you still think there’s no future, just remember there’s a very solid chance they will end up like me. And if they do, we have a spot on the team for a talented master of the dark arts.

Best of luck. Tell your kid we're happy to have them in this, the obviously best Hogwarts house.

- An Adult Slytherin