If Google says it it must be true. That's just science. Millennials are killing everything, including but not limited to golf, Applebee's, lunch, diamonds, and marriage. I didn't know lunch was something that could be killed, but this miserable generation has somehow managed.

So I put it to you, friends: do you think such a ghastly group of killers, assassins, and murderers could do something like nurture life? I mean, can you think of literally anything created by millennials other than chaos, destruction, and ashes?

Millennials are obsessed with their phones. Oh, and allow me to let you in on a little secret: they're not checking email, staying in touch with family and friends, entering data into an app that helps them monitor their baby, checking the weather, reading the daily news, taking pictures of their children, or any of the million things that have now been streamlined into cell phone technology that used to be spread across multiple mediums. They're just staring at blank screens. Either that or checking out social media, which has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Oh, and it's a proven fact that only millennials use cell phones. No one else. Ever. Not even our grandparents.

Excuse me, I have to go buy literally all of the pearls so that I can clutch them tightly as I gasp. Millennials eschewing marriage is a clear sign they are not ready to be parents. Everyone knows that only a husband and a wife can even make a baby, like scientifically. You can't argue with science, people! Plus, the only way a child can lead a happy, well-balanced life is with one married mother and one married father. Period. So many studies have confirmed this!

(Read: absolutely zero studies have confirmed this.)

Oh, and did I mention that the mother and father have to live in a house, in the suburbs, with a white picket fence, and a medium-sized, purebred dog named Scruffy playfully frolicking in the front yard? That set up is essential to the nurturing of children. Duh. Millennials are destroying the concept of home ownership (just like they destroy everything else) and I just don't see how one could ever raise a child in a rented home. Like, it's historically never been done before and I don't know what makes millennials think they're so special that they'll be able to make it work when no one else ever has.

Millennials are so self-centered and adverse to maintaining strong family bonds that they're clearly in no position to have families of their own. They don't call, they don't write, they don't text back. They're like ships, untethered and unanchored, floating about a sea of vanity, pride, and undisciplined debauchery.

Unless they move back in with their parents, of course. Then they're ungrateful leeches who need to get out and be independent.

I know you millennials care about your widdle babies "feewings" and want to ensure that they're "emotionally secure" and "feel respected" and "are not terrified to speak up when something is wrong" but that's namby pamby nonesense. First of all, children should live in a perpetual state of fear, terrified of your wrath and never quite certain of your love. Avoid hugs, kisses, and eye contact. Even when you're proud of them, never let them know it. Instead, act disappointed. That way they'll just keep trying harder. If you don't understand why preying on your child's emotions, fears, and desire to feel loved is key to good parenting, then you're not ready to be a parent.

It's common knowledge that millennials won't do anything unless they're sure to get a trophy at the end of it.

Every little thing sets =millennials off! Look, if you can't handle casual sexism, racist jokes, and crippling transphobia then I don't think you have the fortitude to raise children.

You millennials worry about everything (which parents never did before your generation, by the way). You'd think that you were raised to believe that every stranger was going to kidnap you or something!

Typical millennial snowflakes, always insisting every single one of their children are unique individuals. Back in the day you just named your kid for their birth order (First, Second, Third, etc). If they made it to their second birthday you could go ahead and name them Bill, Bob, Debbie, or Mary. If you happened to have three boys, two of them would have to be Bill. What does it matter? We're all just future worm food anyway.

All of your emotions, thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, dreams, values, and flaws are unique to this generation. I haven't bothered learning what any of those aspirations or emotions are, but I'm going to assume I hate every single one of them and they are different from and inferior to those of previous generations, who were heroic, godlike, and hardworking. I'll also assume they ill-prepare one for parenthood, which previous generations did perfectly.

Always with the avocado toast, people. It's holding you back, and you will rue the day it came into your life with its $18 price tag. If you can't give up the avocado toast you're never going to be the kind of parent a child deserves.

OK, so clearly, dear reader, you can see why all of this is ridiculous, right? When the constant scrutiny millennials deal with day in and day out is laid out in front of you so blatantly, it's obvious, right? So, can we all just collectively decide to ease up on millennial parents? Every generation has ended up unfairly judging the generation that followed, the key being "unfairly." Millennial parents are raising kind, well-rounded, incredible children, so just back off, OK? OK, awesome. #GoodTalk