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The Hot Mess Mom's Guide To Giving Birth

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If you're pregnant, you've undoubtedly given a lot of thought as to how the labor and delivery process will go down. Every woman has a different idea of her "perfect birth scenario," and what's considered ideal. Of course, there are countless tweaks you can make along the way to really make your experience special and memorable. From how long you labor at home to where you deliver at home, at a birth center, or in the hospital you have options. The best option, in my humble opinion, is to follow the hot mess mom's guide to giving birth.

We've all seen the hot mess mom. She's running late and a little frazzled and nothing if not disorganized. She has most likely forgotten at least three important items her kid all of a sudden (or usually) has to have, and has already had to go back home twice in order to rectify the situation. The hot-mess mom is also ubiquitous, as we've all known her or been her or just know her because we are her. However, before she (or you) was a hot-mess mom, she was a hot mess pregnant woman and chances are relatively high that she had a hot mess birth (I mean, who hasn't, right?).

If you aspire to be fill the ranks of hot mess mom, it's never too early to get started. So, with that in mind and because you don't have to have your sh*t together in order to have an amazing birth experience, here are a few pointers to get you started on your hot mess of a labor and delivery. Happy pushing!  

Rule 1: Don't Pack For The Hospital

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All the books say to have your suitcase packed and ready by at least 32 weeks into your pregnancy. Those books are wrong.

To be a legit hot mess, you have to wait until your water breaks at the earliest, then run around your house like a maniac, throwing random things you won't need into your bag. Be sure to grab no less than three pairs of mismatched socks and two thongs.

Rule 2: Get To The Hospital (Or Birth Center) Way Too Early

Having contractions? Are they regular? No? Great. How about 20 minutes apart? No? Maybe longer? Perfect. Load up and head to the hospital, immediately.

If you get there early enough, they may even send you home and tell you to come back when your contractions are closer together. Be sure to go back again before your contractions are as close as they suggest, because you can never be to careful and the drive to and from the hospital and/or birthing center is pretty damn scenic.

Rule 3: Be Adamant And Uncompromising About Your Birth Plan

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You labored over your birth plan and you overthought every aspect and wrote every bullet point in detail. Be sure to stick to it.

Take the time to make sure the entire hospital and/or birth center staff knows that you are not willing to deviate at all and that you fully expect them to change the CD from track 4 to track 7 once your baby starts to crown.

Rule 4: Retract Every Item On Your Birth Plan

Once labor has commenced, be sure to retract every single point in your birth plan. If you were unyielding on your desire for an unmedicated birth, be sure to grovel and beg and plead for an epidural. The more you flipflop, the better. Go crazy.

Rule 5: Alternate Between Loving Everyone And Yelling At Everyone Around You

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Get ugly with your partner and get loud with the nurses and say some choice words to any and all doctors in the vicinity. Then, roughly 4.6 seconds later, tell them all how amazing and angelic they are.

Ask your nurse to move in.

Tell your spouse or partner every single thing about them that you absolutely love and couldn't remotely live without.

Then call them a some horrific name at the top of your lungs and promise to kill them if they ever expect you to have another baby.

Rule 6: Forget To Pack Every Important Item You'll Surely Need

You have your two thongs and six mismatched socks, which is good, but it's imperative that you leave your ponytail holders, head band, insurance card, and lip balm at home.

Don't even think about bringing a phone charger.

Rule 7: Make Haphazard Child Care Arrangements For Any And All Existing Children

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Ideally, this still won't be worked out even when you've moved into active labor. With luck, you'll still be texting would-be babysitters while your contractions become so intense you can't form complete sentences. Your older kids can just hang out in the corner and watch you writhe and moan.  In fact, they'll be completely available to distract you and get on your nerves. Perfect.

Rule 8: Don't Bring Your Carseat

Do not, under any circumstances, have your carseat pre-installed and ready to go. At most, toss it into the trunk and be sure to leave the instructions at home.

Rule 9: Don't Bring Food Or Find Out About Cafeteria Meals

You're going to be ravenous after you give birth, so it's best to avoid preparing for your insatiable hunger. Don't pack any snacks and don't take advantage of the meal cart. In fact, just let that damn cart and those delicious treats coast right by your room, then be sure to berate yourself for not thinking about meal prep beforehand.

Rule 10: Cry. All The Time. About Everything.

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Your baby has 10 toes? Cry. Your nurse brought you an extra pillow? Cry. Your family brought you a cheeseburger? Cry. Oprah is on the television for any number of inspiring reasons? Cry.