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What To Write In A Holiday Card When You're The Parent Of A Toddler

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Let's be real: Christmas with a toddler is basically like any other day for parents. There will be wild joy, and explosive tantrums, and random bits of chewed-up chicken found in strange places. The main difference is that all of this merriment will transpire with everyone clad in exceptionally cute pajamas. But when it comes to the question of what write to in a holiday card when you're the parent of a toddler, you might find that the usual sentiments don't quite capture this unique experience.

Now, you may newly be the parent of a toddler. You may be filled with excitement, wondering what the holiday will hold, now that have a child who is able to walk, and babble, and throw delicate glass heirloom ornaments. If so, allow me to offer a loose outline of what you may expect from this wonder-filled day:

4:06 a.m.: Wake up in pitch black darkness to open presents.

4:10 a.m.: Complete opening of presents.

4:11 a.m.: Find way to fill rest of day. Which will last approximately 900 hours.

4:15 a.m.: Clean up broken ornaments.

5:01 a.m.: Repeatedly lose the screwdriver. Pray for dusk. Repeat for hours and hours.

Now, go pour yourself a spiked eggnog and get those holiday cards in the mail. (No, I don't know where the pen went. But my guess is someone is using it to draw smileys on the couch cushions.)

1. For the potty-training parent

The gift of love. The gift of peace. The gift of no one peeing the bed Christmas Eve. May all of these be yours at Christmas...

2. For the parent who are always running out of AAAs

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Happy holidays! As we gather with friends and loved ones, may we remember the only thing we truly need for a joyful holiday… is batteries. Entire warehouse pallets of batteries. Preferably triple A. (And possibly some of those minuscule watch ones too, god help us.)

3. For the parent who already knows all the words to "Into the Unknown"

Hark, the herald, angels sing! And the song they sing-eth is from Frozen 2! And they shall sing-eth this song every day, every hour, at the top of their lungs, for many years to come-eth! Or at least until Frozen 3 comes out…

4. For the parent who really doesn't want to go to the ER again

Ho, ho, ho, who's that under the mistletoe? Just kidding! Mistletoe is totally poisonous. And after the whole Grayson-swallowing-Daddy's-Airpods-incident, we aren't taking any chances. That's just some arugula from a bagged salad. But Merry Christmas!

5. For the parent who relies on screen time to drink her coffee in peace

Wishing you peace and tranquility this holiday season. By which we mean, wishing you a swift and easy installation of Disney+.

6. For the parent who always fast-forwards through that one part of "Polar Express"

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! When carols are sung, stockings are hung, and Mommy considers hiring a private plane to fly directly to Robert Zemeckis’ house to tie him to a chair and force him at knifepoint to explain his thought process behind the Aerosmith scene in Polar Express.

7. For the parent who just shelled out the big bucks on a gift that will go unappreciated

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Wishing you all the joy of the season! We hope your Christmas is cheery and bright, and that you also get to spend hundreds on a KidKraft Artisan Island Toy Kitchen and then watch your two year-old play for hours with an empty tape dispenser.

8. For the parent who wants to send a not-so-subtle message

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus! And who can blame her, really? Daddy spends every night playing Xbox, claiming he's too "stressed." At least Santa bothered to notice Mommy's new haircut. And he'd just traveled the globe all night delivering presents. He wasn't too "stressed," was he?

9. For the parents who gave up on this particular battle

Seasons greetings! We hope you enjoy this festive portrait of our entire family wearing matching plaid PJs! Except for Tyler, of course, who refused to wear anything but a Paw Patrol raincoat and his grandmother’s orthopedic slip-ons.

10. For the parent whose coffee smells a little funny on Christmas morning

This holiday, as gifts are shared, candy canes crunched, and shiny wrapping is ripped, let us take a moment to reflect on the true reason for the season: which is that day-drinking is perfectly acceptable.