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Your Postpartum Period Is So Scary These 9 Things Don't Even Compete

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The feminist in me wants extol the virtues of menstruation. Periods are beautiful, and they should be openly discussed without embarrassment or negativity. But the person in me who has experienced periods is like, "Girl, they suck, come on now." So while I'm not ashamed of having a period, I have to admit they're not annoying AF. And when it comes to postpartum periods, I'll admit those things can be downright frightening. Indeed, there are terrifying things that aren't as remotely scary as your postpartum period.

As with anything scary, I find the most terrifying aspect of these post-baby bloodbaths to be the unknown. One really doesn't necessarily know what to expect after a human has slithered out of your nether region (which is, like, a horror movie unto itself, to be honest... at the very least a particularly visceral sci-fi). Is it going to be the same? Is it going to be worse? Is it going to be regular? Is it going to come at all? Like... what's the deal with postpartum periods?! We just don't know.

If you've had a period after delivering an infant, you certainly have your own frame of reference. But if you haven't experienced this real-life version of that one elevator scene in The Shining, consider this a warning from my own personal experience.

Jump Scares

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For those of you not familiar with horror movie lingo, per Wikipedia:

A jump scare is a technique often used in horror films and video games, intended to scare the audience by surprising them with an abrupt change in image or event, usually co-occurring with a loud, frightening sound.

It's an effective (though, TBH, cheap) way to get the audience to jump in their seats and maybe let out a little yelp. Postpartum periods, after that initial period, are scarier, because at least a jump scare builds to the fact that something spooky is going to happen. Postpartum periods often come out of nowhere. You never know when they're going to strike.

The Elevator Scene In 'The Shining'

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That was a supernatural hallucination — postpartum periods look basically the same and are all too real. I do not know a mother alive who hasn't seen this scene and thought to herself, "Ah. Memories."

Any Of Your Baby's Body Fluids

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Far be it from me to dismiss the absolute horror of a child's diaper, but here's the thing: you deal with that sh*t (literally) every single day. You get used to it. Postpartum periods are infrequent enough that you can kind of begin to forget about how awful they are (especially amid all the other chaos going on in your life with a newborn) when, WHOOPS! Your time of the month (if it is every month, because they can be pretty irregular) has come again, and with it a whole new bloody mess. Literally.

A Tarantino Movie

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While the director's complete lack of self-awareness and problematic everything can be a bit terrifying, ultimately, the gratuitously bloody gore of Quentin Tarantino's oeuvre has nothing on the real life blood bath of postpartum menses.

An M. Night Shyamalan Movie

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Because, plot twist, every time you think it's over IT'S NOT! And another plot twist, you just had your period three weeks ago and now it's back and third plot twist, now it's been four months and you're panicking but, actually here it comes... for a day! Then it stops! Then it starts back up again!

So. Damn. Irregular.

Postpartum Sex

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I actually say this as a means to soothe people. I know from experience that postpartum sex can be a very scary thought for people who've just had some vigorous events take place in the whole pelvic area. I'm not saying there's no reason to approach postpartum intimacy with some trepidation, because there are plenty. I'm just saying that if you've dealt with a postpartum period then you've got this.

'The Walking Dead'

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Because, if you're still in what's considered the "postpartum period" (and I think of that as the first year after the birth of your child) you're pretty much a zombie anyway. Also, like The Walking Dead, it will feel like your postpartum periods should have ended a while ago. It's just going on way too long and it's getting old.

'The Exorcist'

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This is just to say that this movie really isn't that scary. Like... I don't get the hype? It's fine. It's good. But I went to bed with zero issues after watching it. Certainly it's not as blood curdling as the blood curdling going on in your own postpartum body.

Getting Pregnant Again

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Actually, no, that might be the only thing scarier than a postpartum period, at least for a while. So, I guess they're worth it.