I'll admit, my bosoms and I haven't always gotten along. In fact, sometimes I've downright resented them. As a result, I know there are more than a few apologies I definitely own my postpartum boobs and, well, now is as good a time as any.
We've been through a lot, us three. Our adventures include, but are certainly not limited to: my questionable pointy-bra phase, post-assault trigger-mania, my dabbling in mesh body sock phase, countless corsets and other theater-days inspired costumes, and some clumsy consensual fumbling that I'd rather forget. Still, nothing was quite as transformative (literally) as the adventures we've shared in postpartum parenthood.
Reflectively, I think it's important to have a deep and connected relationship with my body. It hasn't always been this way, which is why I think it's so important to me now. I want my body to be there for me, just as I'd like to be there for it. I want us to be partners, not enemies. Us moms hear so much postpartum body hatred going around, it's easy to look at our bodies as "bad," instead of truly incredible.
So, honestly, I feel called to have a good-natured, long overdue, apology session with my lovely chesticles. I'd like to smooth out any misunderstandings we've had so. together, my boobies and I can move forward with all forgiven. Our sometimes complicated, always interesting life together will surely move forward with mutual respect once I'm able to give them the postpartum apologies my boobs are truly owed.
The Breast Pump Apology
C'mon, people! This is the big one, right? If you chose to breastfeed and you had to be away from your baby for any reason you, too, may need to have a long apologetic convo with your tatas.
Boobs! Breast pumps suck all the juices out of you! I know we struggled with under supply and, as a result, I'd constantly turn up that mechanical milker as far as it would go. I even rented a hospital grade pump after my second baby was born. I certainly understand if you will never forgive me, because breast pumping is the worst, but I'm truly sorry for all the contortion and battery I put you through, sweethearts.
The Lopsided Apology
I'm sorry my choice to breastfeed and pump left the two of you a full two cup sizes apart. Mostly, I'm sorry that this makes wearing shirts and bras a tremendously frustrating task. In fact, I think it must cause it's own rift between the two of you. After all, you're much farther apart than you used to be.
The Engorgement Apology
Oh, precious boobs. I'm so sorry you had to experience the discomfort of engorgement and the hot, full, aching that goes along with it. Cold compresses don't work, hot showers don't work, and when your baby is totally against the boob, well, that doesn't work either.
The Mastitis Apology
Related to the engorgement apology, this is a down-on-my-knees level atonement. As you know, we've officially been diagnosed with mastitis twice. Oh sweet postpartum boobs, I'm so sorry for the redness and swelling that was hard as concrete rocks, and mostly I'm sorry I listened to the people who told me to put cabbage on you instead of going immediately to the doctor. That choice definitely made the infection so much worse, and so much harder to cure. My bad, ladies.
The Self-Expression Apology
I honestly never thought there'd be a day when I'd be massaging you gals so much you'd begin to feel like raw meat. Self-expression, especially coupled with under supply, is a b*tch. Sorry.
The Privacy Apology
If you were ever a private bunch, boobs, I'm sorry I totally, completely, and repeatedly violated your privacy. I take you out wherever and whenever my babies are hungry. My babies, being who they are, would never accept a covering over their heads while they ate. As a result, ladies, you've been seen by all sorts of people. Really hope you don't mind, because we've got at least six months left of over-exposure.
The Bite Apology
My mother-in-law once told me the moment her first son bit her nipple, all breastfeeding bets were off. I totally get the impulse to stop breastfeeding after that first curious nibble, because is anything but gentle.
I owe you boobs numerous apologies because I haven't stopped breastfeeding, even though the biting hasn't stopped either. Every time my youngest has a cold or is teething it's a whole new lesson in, "Biting hurts! Please don't bite mama!"
The Sports Bra Apology
I'm so sorry for all the times I've had to push, roll, and stuff you, against your free-flowing will, into the tightest garment on the planet. I know, and you know, we have to do this for your own good. The only thing worse than the constriction of a sports bra is a downward dog spent trying not to get mother's milk in my mouth, or a run whose jarring causes you to tear yourselves from my body and land on the dirt trail. So, again, sorry but it's going to have to continue.
The Post-Miscarriage Apology
It's not just postpartum for my children I owe you apologies for. I'd also like to take a moment to apologize to you for the times you were prepared to nourish a baby, and didn't get to. You began to change and I ultimately didn't give you what you were hoping for.
The Anything-I-Missed Apology
I'm quite sure there are things I missed, postpartum boobs. So consider this a blanket apology for anything and everything that I need to apologize for. After all, we ladies have got to stick together.