Whoever said all's fair in love and war never dated a journalist. The following infuriating things my partner said to me this year proved that our relationship wouldn't make it. Does the essential airing of my dirty laundry mean I'll die alone? Who knows. However, I think you will never have the opportunity to grow (in a relationship, and within yourself) if you don't take the time to comb through the remnants of a failed partnership, and figure out where it all went wrong. (Plus, at least I'll have had the last word.)
OK. So, I don't really think I'll die alone. However, what this year has taught me is that I'm not going to stand for any more casual cruelties — the world is cruel enough. By casual cruelties, I mean those glib, off-the-cuff remarks that lack sensitivity. As opposed to unforgivable acts that everyone can agree are cause for breaking up, casual cruelties exist in that vague, ambiguous terrain where you might find yourself wondering, "Am I crazy for being offended by this?" No. No you're not crazy. If I can say anything with this story, I will say that.
Look. I give everything to my partner — my heart, mind, soul, body — but I will not give up my pride. I won't give up a sense of safety, either, because feeling safe is what partnership is all about, right?
I can't feel safe in a relationship where casual cruelties are part of the everyday dynamic. I'm not saying that you have to say "boy, bye" if your partner says any of the following things. After all, every relationship and the people in them, are different. However, these are just some things that infuriated me so much that I felt belittled. I'm not going to lie, there were moments when I cried and had a pity party for myself. So, is writing this a form of revenge? I don't see it that way. I see it as a way of moving on. Perhaps someone reads this and realizes that she isn't crazy for being offended by an insensitive, infuriating remark. Maybe, just maybe, she'll say, "Boy, bye." because after the following quips (because yes these are 100 percent true life utterances) that's exactly what I did.
"You Know That Scene In 'Annie Hall' When Alvy Brings Up The JFK Assassination To Avoid Sex?"
So, you don't want to have sex with me? Bring up a Woody Allen flick. Thanks, Captain Subtle.
Abbreviations are flirty and fun, don't get me wrong. However, f you can't take the time to give me a proper invitation to chill, well, I'm not going to RSVP in the affirmative.
"Why Are You Taking It So Personal?"
Because I'm a human being. It's what I do. Deal with it, or, "Boy, bye."
Also, you should be using the adverb form of "personal," here, because "personal" is modifying the act of "taking (it)." Just saying.
"I Have A Habit Of Being Self-Involved"
Well, at least you have the self-awareness to know you're being self-involved. But that's a bit of a copout. It's called empathy, and you should try getting some.
"I Hope You Understand And Are Having A Good Day"
Did you just "have a good day" me? Um, yeah. I'm not at Starbucks and unless you're serving me a skinny vanilla latte with that line, you're pretty much ensuring that I will not be having a good day. Also, what's with the, "I hope you understand." Another copout. As someone invested in a relationship, you want to do everything you can to make sure your partner understands you. Which is more than "hope" for said understanding.
"My Ex Girlfriend..."
You have an ex and I have an ex and we both understand that this relationship isn't our first rodeo. However, can you please stop talking about yours? Good, bad — I just don't want to hear it. Take that walk down memory lane all by yourself.
"My Mom Doesn't Like You And She Likes Everyone"
Daughter and mother-in-law relationships are fraught with enough tension. So, even in jest, don't play that your mom doesn't like me. You're messing with my head and being very passive aggressive.
"I Want To Talk About Something. Never Mind."
Because I really want to spend all Sunday morning ruminating about what you were too much of a punk to bring up to me.
"I Like Sex, And You're Good At Sex, So, We're Good"
Your emotional maturity is about on par with that of a tween boy. (And this from a guy who pronounces "mature," "matoor," which should be a separate offensive.)
"You Know How I Feel About You"
Do I though? Because these empty euphemisms just confuse the heck out of me. Gary Chapman wrote a bestselling book about the five languages of love and how to express feelings of admiration and devotion, if words aren't your strong suit. The bottom line is, with true adoration, you never want to miss an opportunity to make your beloved feel, well, just that.