There are some stores I have a weird affection for. Generally it comes down to a mix of nostalgia, quality, and bargains. Costco is one store that hits all three points. I grew up taking frequent trips there with my family (a family of seven, mind you) and, as an adult, I enjoy strolling the aisles now as a member myself. Indeed, I am a Costco Mom, and let me tell you: a Costco Mom is the BFF everyone should have.
We're a thrifty, quirky, and, admittedly, largely suburban bunch. (After all, what city mom has the space to store 900 rolls of toilet paper?) We enjoy budgeting with the help of spreadsheets and coming in under that budget. We enjoy having whatever we need on-hand. And, of course, you're not a true Costco mom if you do not proselytize about Costco. This can occur in varying degrees of intensity. From casually name dropping ("Oh, do you like the cake? Thanks! I got it at Costco! Their bakery is actually really amazing and reasonable! I always go there for cakes!") to fanatic ("It's Costco Day! Yay! So exciting! I've got my list but, let's be honest, we're going to be shopping off-list!") to really fanatic ("Let me show you my basement hoard of batteries and shampoos! Wait, do you not have a storage room full of enormous packages of dry goods as part of your panic room?!")
But above and beyond all these things, we're handy to have around for the following reasons:
She Plans Ahead
A defining feature of a Costco mom is their propensity to stock up. Ideally, that stocking up is paired with plans for their bountiful stores (otherwise it's just kind of pointless hoarding... which some Costco moms also do, I'm not going to lie). A Costco mom brings this kind of foresight to much of her life, and is always thinking two steps ahead. She'd do awesome in the world of Game of Thrones, where thinking ahead is a matter of life or death.
(If this woman lives her life too much like Game of Thrones, however, run. Run fast. Change your name and number. It's not worth it.)
She's Good In An Emergency
Because of her treasure trove of enormous boxes of cereal and cleaning supplies and frozen appetizers, Costco Mom's house is where you want to be in a hurricane, snowstorm, flood, or Mad Max-style post-apocalyptic waste. The outside world will be a chaotic hellscape of muscle cars vying for territorial dominance, but you and Costco Mom will be hunkered down in her basement for the next 47 years like, "Oh no, we're running low on these frozen chicken nuggets... LOL! Just kidding! There's another bag in the other freezer!"
(FYI: Costco mom is way more likely that others to have a second freezer.)
She's A Great Party Planner
Who wouldn't be when Costco has party-sized everything? And she's been up and down those aisles enough to know what's a must-have for any shindig. Enormous bag of gourmet corn chips? Put it in the cart. A kiddie pool sized tub of dip? Naturally, because you need something to put on those corn chips. And what's this at the sample station? Pot stickers? Delicious! And they're on sale? How many can you legally sell me, my good woman? This is all to say nothing of the random adorable party decor that is seasonally available if you get to the store at the right time (ya gotta move fast at Costco, friends).
Not everyone has to be down with drinking, but if you're like me and you are, then Costco Mom has your back. The best part is that a lot of the in-house (Kirkland) brand booze is actually made at the same facilities, by the same people, and the same ingredients (read: is almost identical to) the more expensive name brand stuff. They also come in comically large bottles (again, perfect for parties or, like, a particularly wild Friday night with your BFF, Costco Mom).
She Knows How To Find A Bargain
Her commitment to Costco shows how much she digs savings. So if you need to go looking for anything — furniture, clothing, cars, whatever — Costco Mom will be there to help you out. She can let you know where the deals are and how to get the best possible price.
She will also probably steer you in the direction of Costco, because that place has everything. Like, it's almost weird that there's a place where you can buy coffins the same place you buy enormous quantities of diapers. It's truly a "cradle to grave" one-stop shop.
She Can Always Lend You Something
Remember her Doomsday Prepper stockpile of stuff? This means that if you run out of, like, garbage bags, she can hand you an entire box and say, "Here, hit me back when you have a chance, but no rush because I have another three and they're all economy sized, so we're good through to, well, about 2021."
She Will Never Judge You For Going Generic
Costco Moms are all about that sweet, sweet Kirkland action. So if they come to your house and see you got any kind of store-brand item (food, household, whatever) they're not going to give you side-eye. On the contrary, they may well actively laud your thrift and superior intelligence. Who wants to pay more for the same thing? Come on! Not you, and certainly not Costco mom, who is seriously considering naming her next child Kirkland.
She's A Great Classroom Shopper
When you have to buy large quantities of an item for the purposes of classroom or school functions, there are only two places you should go: some sort of store where everything costs about a dollar... and Costco. Costco Mom has the magical card that gives her access to the latter. (Besides, depending on what you need the dollar store won't necessarily have you covered.) Because what kind of rube pays grocery store prices for 30 bottles of juice for the holiday party? You are a PTA mom on a budget, for goodness sake! This money has to last all year unless you want to do another bake sale and no one wants that.
She Always Has Comically Large Containers
They're just so silly and make you feel so tiny and precious.
She'll Take You With Her
So, somehow, Costco Mom has not convinced you to get a membership of your own (not for lack of trying). That's OK. She's a buddy, so she will take you shopping with her whenever you need 47 pounds of butter or a package of chicken breasts that weighs as much as your toddler. Besides, she knows that the more she takes you, it's only a matter of time before you join her as a Costco Mom, too.