I love babies, but I really don't miss my kids' newborn, sleep-deprived stage. Like, not at all. Sure, every now and then a sappy diaper commercial can leave me weepy and thinking to myself, "I want another baby." But then my kids scream at one another, or I remember how much work postpartum life with a newborn truly is, and I think, "Nah, I'm good." There's just too many reasons why newborns are legit the worst, you guys, and I just don't see myself going through that mess ever again. I'm getting too old and tired to sink back into dirty diapers and midnight feedings and terrifying newborn baths. I'll pass, thank you very much.
The first time I went through the newborn stage I was excited (read: naive). I'd never been a mother before, so I told myself the lie that every new parent tells themselves when a tiny human is placed in their arms: "I know it's hard for all of those other parents, but this will be easy for me." I was positive I would handle motherhood like a boss. I mean, really, how hard can it be? Turns out, really hard you guys. Life as a brand new, healing, exhausted mom was nothing like I imagined and, although I adjusted eventually, it wasn't the best of times.
The second time around, when I was pregnant with my son, I went into postpartum life with significantly lower expectations and, well, I'm glad I did. While it wasn't 100 percent easier to have a newborn again (five years after I held my daughter in my arms, to the very day) it wasn't as difficult as my first foray into motherhood. Close, mind you, but still not as harrowing. But even an easier round two didn't make me fall in love with that newborn stage. Nope, it's just never going to happen. Why? Because newborns are the worst, you guys, and here's why:
Because They Cry About Everything
Have you ever been around a newborn? They're unhappy about everything. Crying is the only way they can communicate and, honestly, it's annoying. My kids are old enough now they can use actual words and that makes giving them what they need and/or want infinitely easier.
Because They Can't Clean Their Own Butts
Wiping butts isn't really my idea of a good time, and since newborns don't have basic control over their extremities, there's a lot of daily wiping involved in their care. From blowouts covering crevices to pee getting damn near everywhere, it's a lot and, well, I'd really rather not. My eyes can't un-see some of the things my kids have done in their diapers.
Because They Make Laundry An All-Day Event
OK, so even now the laundry piles are never-ending, but newborns go through onesies like nobody's business. I don't even own as many articles of clothing as I've changed on one of my babies in a day. It's ludicrous.
Because Sometimes They Won't Eat What You Offer
I offered my daughter the breast and she outright refused every single time. Like, I'm sorry it's not filet mignon, but it's all I've got, kid! So rude.
Because They Throw-Up On All The Clean Things
Every time I changed my clothes to leave the house, without fail, my newborn would spit-up all over me. Every. Single. Time. Now, if I had nowhere to go my kid wouldn't have spit up, but if I was running late or trying to get my kid to that necessary pediatrician appointment, boom. Baby puke everywhere.
Welcome to motherhood, kids.
Because They Selfishly Keep You Awake
Do newborns even sleep? No, my friends. The answer is a resounding no. Not only do they refuse something nature intended for all humans, but my newborns kept me from it just for the hell of it. Sometimes they didn't even need anything — they were just bored.
Because They Can't Do Anything For Themselves
I get how frustrating it might be to depend on someone to do all the things, but my babies were so demanding about it. Yes, I understand that they can't speak their minds, so it's understandable, but you guys, I was tired. So, so tired.
Because There's No Reasoning With Them
If you've never tried reasoning with a newborn, don't waste your time. They don't listen, don't care what you're saying, and honestly can't even understand you. My kids still behave this way sometimes, though, so I guess kids don't grow out of everything.
Because They Never Say "Thank You"
Of all the hard work I put into caring for my tiny humans, I never once got a thank you. No, "Hey, thank for cleaning the poop out of the car seat," or, "Thanks, mom, for being so delicate with my umbilical cord while I was healing."
Again, they can't speak so it's understandable, but motherhood is such a thankless job. When you're trying to get used to your new life as someone's parent, a little "thank you" here and there would be really, really beneficial.
Because They've Changed Your Entire Life
My little "bundles of joy" basically came in and ripped my life to unrecognizable shreds. They're legit the worst. Up was down, right was wrong, and I just didn't know how to find "neutral" again when I was postpartum.
The funny part, though? Newborns are also the best. And the way they change your life? The constant diapers and the no sleep and the hard work? Yeah, it's totally and completely worth it.