Is there anyone on Earth who has a cushier gig than stay-at-home moms? I mean, I'd like to be paid not to work. Oh sure, they do things like "provide near-constant childcare" and "maintain the family home" and "largely act as the project manager who coordinates the schedules and activities of everyone in the house," but other than that what do they even do? More importantly, how do you know if there is such a shameful layabout in your midst? Thankfully, there are more than a few signs a stay-at-home mom obviously didn't do anything, so you can adequately judge and chastise this wanton slugabed accordingly.
Just as we expect all paid employees of companies to accomplish every single item on their list every single day without fail, regardless of what other projects are flung their way, stay-at-home moms should unfailingly maintain perfect order and harmony in their homes. After all, isn't that what they're supposed to do? How else could they possibly justify not contributing to the economy in any meaningful way? I mean, who are we, really, outside of our contributions to capitalism? I don't know and I don't want to know, thank you very much. I believe all human interaction should be viewed as a measurable commodity, so stay-at-home moms who aren't accomplishing all their duties are definitely selling their families short.
Don't let this happen to you or anyone you love! In fact, here are some telltale signs that a stay-at-home mom you know has squandered day, so you can set them straight and on the straight, narrow, and capitalist track.
Her Kids Are Dirty
It's stay-at-home mom, meaning you have to actually mother your children and not let them turn into disheveled ragamuffins just because you got to wrapped up in your soap opera stories to properly clean them. (After all: what else could you possibly be doing all day?) How did children get messy, anyway? Look:
This is what children look like under typical circumstances. This is absolutely real life, people. All human children are brilliantly and adorably dressed, primped and polished, and sitting politely with a completely unnecessary parasol for reasons unknown. If they look anything less than cherubic it must be because no one was watching them.
She's Asking Her Partner For Help
OK, let's go over how this works: your partner actually works. Since you do absolutely nothing, it's up to you to do 100 percent of everything all the tine and with absolutely no help whatsoever. I don't know how I can be any clearer or more reasonable. It is completely unfair to ask your partner, who has been at work for about eight hours, to do any of the tasks for your home or children that are your obligation to do every hour of every single day. Could you think about other people for once, stay-at-home mom? What else are you doing all day?
Her Laundry Isn't Done
How hard can it possibly be to keep on top of the clothing, linens, and towels produced by however many people are in your family so that everything is always washed, dried, folded, and put away? I mean, what else are you doing all day, really? Plus, how much laundry could children possibly produce? They're so small and, as we've already established, naturally tidy. I'm trying to understand, I really am, but you're making it so difficult.
She's Still In Her Yoga Pants
So, um, maybe you did yoga? I mean, what else could you have been doing, because it doesn't seem like you've done the laundry, cleaned the house, or cared for the children in the slightest. And just because you're home doesn't mean like you shouldn't be dressing like you're going to the opera. Call me old fashioned, but I believe all women, but especially stay-at-home moms, should still be wearing corsets and bustles. It's like living your life as though every day were a black tie event. Come on you hapless frumps: manifest some glamour!
She's Not Wearing Makeup
I don't know what you're doing all day, but surely you have time to make yourself up like a professional makeup artist in a YouTube tutorial. I'm also pretty sure it's actually a federal law that states all women over the age of 15 are required to wear a full face of makeup at all times.
Dinner Is Take-Out
How could you not have time to cook? It's not like you were doing anything while you were taking your oldest to soccer practice, your youngest to ballet, or your dog to the vet.
Pro-tip: bring all your ingredients in the car with you — along with a cutting board, knife, pot, etc. — and do all your prep in the car (at red lights, for example) or while you're waiting other places. I think it would actually be fun to sit in the bleachers with all the other SAHMs chopping carrots and the like for a healthy gourmet meal for your families! It's also a great opportunity to swap recipes!
Then when you get home you just have to put it in the oven and you're set. I can't believe I have to tell you how to do your job.
She's Using Her Cell Phone
How dare you, madam! You have obviously done absolutely nothing today and you have the audacity to be on your cell phone. (And don't try to tell me you're "checking email" or "paying bills" or "texting the other moms in the carpool about switching days.") I don't even know why you have a cell phone. Everything you need is right here in your home!
I've always said that stay-at-home moms should do exactly that the title indicates: stay at home. I feel like using a phone is sort of cheating by allowing you to know what's going on in the world beyond your house. If you absolutely must communicate with others, perhaps you can have a telegraph installed. It was good enough for my great-great grandmother and she had 20 children! Not having access to people outside of her home (or birth control) didn't kill her except that time when she died in childbirth having her 21st child because she couldn't call the midwife fast enough. But, I mean, details, right?
She Didn't Run That Errand You Asked
What were you doing today that impeded you from doing this out of the way errand? Like, you were home all day. Try to help me understand what you were doing that has prevented you from getting your children in the car, driving them to where I needed you to go, running said errand, minding your children while you were running said errand, coming back home (with whatever it is you needed to get in tow), all while maintaining the cleanliness of the house and children, doing laundry, cooking dinner, and taking our children to their various activities all while wearing a ballgown with an enormous bustle and a face full of makeup?
She's Got A Crazy-Long List Of Things To Do Tomorrow
Because you didn't do a damn thing today, obviously. Obviously. For shame. What do you even do all day?
On top of everything stay-at-home moms accomplish on a daily basis, they also have to deal with people who genuinely think they don't do anything at all. So, honestly, instead of asking a stay-at-home mom what she did today, how about you start asking her what she didn't do. The list will, no doubt, be shorter.