10 Things I Tell My Mom Friends That I Would Never Tell My Husband
I can honestly say that my husband is my best friend. I feel lucky to have found someone to share my life with who actually gets me. We share almost everything, from a love of Thai food to our dream for the best possible future for our family (it currently involves a beach and early retirement). We've supported each other through career changes and diaper changes, and we know each other better than anyone. All of that said, there are definitely things I tell my mom friends that I would never tell my husband.
I think it's pretty important for us to have other outlets and support systems besides each other. Also, after my last dumpster fire of a marriage, I never want to lose myself entirely to someone else ever again. When I was with my ex, I found myself picking hobbies, watching shows, and even wearing clothes that were not a true representation of who I actually was. You guys, it was bad. You would not believe how boring it was, trying to be someone I wasn't. It took me a long time, a dozen relationships, and a horrible marriage to learn that you don't have to be everything to your partner, and they don't have to be everything for you, in order for your relationship to be solid.
My husband and I need to maintain our own identities as we grow closer together, and that means having different interests — yoga for me, video games for him — and also having our own friends to chat with about a variety of things, because analyzing the Gilmore Girls reboot would likely bore my husband to tears, and I don't know enough about software development to contribute to a discussion about it in a meaningful way. Our relationship is way better when we allow each other space to grow and be who we are, and there are some things that I honestly don't feel comfortable sharing with him. It's not not because I want to keep secrets, but because they are personal, unique to being me, things I feel unsure or embarrassed about, or things he just can't possibly understand. For those reasons, it's a good thing I have mom friends, because some days I have a lot to get off my chest.
About How I Really Feel About My Body
It's so hard to talk to my husband about how I feel about my body. For one, many of my body image issues stem from past trauma, which is hard to talk about and hard for him to hear. Also, he seems to see me differently than I see myself when I look in the mirror. It feels good to feel desired and to see that desire behind his eyes, to be sure, so I would rather talk about my big butt or stretch marks with other moms, and take compliments when he gives them.
About Celebrity Crushes
I don't want my husband to ever feel insecure when hearing about me finding someone else attractive. He doesn't look like most of my celebrity crushes (he's way hotter), and I don't want him to imagine me with other people.
To be honest, I love him and desire him and will continue doing so, no matter how old we grow, or how our bodies change. Crushes are just crushes.
About My Period
Like it or not, our culture has some pretty regressive ideas about periods. It colors the way we talk about this really normal thing, and can minimize how much your period can really suck. While I do tell my husband when I have my period, I don't chat with him about what it's like. Not only can he really not understand, but I don't want him to feel awkward or embarrassed.
About The Makeup Deal I Just Scored
While makeup makes me happy, my husband just doesn't care about it. Same goes for skin care and fashion. Nope. Not interested. That's OK, honestly. That's what my mom friends are for.
About Breastfeeding Issues
Talking about my breastfeeding struggles with my husband felt impossible. On one hand, I felt like I had failed as a mom. I needed to hear that motherhood is not measured in ounces of breast milk, but without the added, "Why don't you just quit?" tacked on the end. Then there were blistered nipples, engorgement pain, and leaky boobs. I was sure he did not want to hear about it.
About How It Felt To Be Pregnant
There's no way to describe how it feels to grow a human inside your body. At times it was horrible, making my breasts ache, my nipples sensitive, and making me so nauseated I couldn't keep anything down. Then there was the back pain, hip pain, leg pain, pelvic pain, and hemorrhoids.
At other times it felt amazing to feel my baby move and kick inside of me. In the end, the entire experience of growing another human inside my body is indescribable to someone who hasn't been there, no matter how hard I tried.
How Much Weight I Gained During Pregnancy
As an eating disorder survivor, pregnancy was f*cking difficult for me to endure. I asked my husband to not look at the scale when he came along on appointments, and to not ask how much I weighed or how much weight I was gaining. As I slowly lose the "baby weight," I prefer to share successes with mom friends than my husband.
About The Cloth Diapers I Ordered
I don't understand why my husband couldn't care less about cloth diapers. They are so cute. I mean, this one has cats riding unicorns on it, you guys. Plus, I scored a great deal, thank you very much. He just can't find it in him to care.
About My Postpartum Body
My body currently doesn't work right, and honestly, I hate the way it looks. I pee when I sneeze, laugh, or jump. My pelvis hurts. I am still carrying extra weight and my fitness level is not what it used to be. I have such a hard time admitting my weaknesses (or perceived weaknesses) to my husband, which is odd, because he's my biggest fan. Maybe deep down I worry that he would love me less if he knew how often I peed my pants?
About The Show I'm Binge Watching
While there are some shows we both love — like Saturday Night Live, Last Week Tonight, and Game of Thrones — and we are watching The Handmaid's Tale together, musing at how close to reality it feels, my husband really doesn't follow most of the shows I watch. Honestly, that's totally OK. I tried to get him into a few, but for the most part we watch our own thing and I can dish about the rest with my mom friends.