So you're between 24 and 28 weeks pregnant and the time has come. You've heard the tales, you've tried not to think of it, but now there's no putting it off: it's time to take your glucose test. This diagnostic procedure screens pregnant women for gestational diabetes: a temporary disease that messes with your insulin levels while pregnant. Let me tell you the things I would rather do than take a glucose test, because they're the absolute worst.
There's actually two types of glucose test. One is an hour-long test, which lets your care provider know if they need to do a more accurate, three-hour test. Both work basically the same way, though: you chug down a gross, probably orange drink with a set amount of glucose in it, the sadists in the white coats draw some blood (just a pinprick on your finger) and they measure your sugar levels. For the first test you only need to do this once, for the second (if you need to take it) you do the aforementioned over the course of about three hours.
Both types of tests suck, to be fair, but I'll be mainly referencing my experiences with the three hour test which I've had to do twice. Now, most people will pass the one-hour test, and most people who fail the one-hour test will go on to pass the three-hour test. And, in the grand scheme of things, neither is going to make it to on your top 10 worst moments, or even, necessarily, your worst pregnancy moments. But what is pregnancy for if not complaining about all the little things that irritate us, right?
A Juice Cleanse
First of all, I want to stress how very badly I have no desire to do a juice cleanse, either, particularly since they're not good for you and don't have any lasting effects. That said, at least a juice cleanse gives me something to talk about with people who are also doing a juice cleanse. We could complain together, swap recipes, and wax poetic about how amazing our skin is going to look. I also feel like shopping for all that produce would be soothing and fun. Like, put on your most boho chic outfit, then go to the Farmer's Market and sniff radishes and chard and whatnot before placing them in a fun tote or bespoke wicker basket.
Drink Slightly Flat Orange Soda
That's basically what that horrid orange drink tastes like, only worse. At least with flat orange soda you have the knowledge that it was once really delicious (yes, orange soda is absolutely delicious please come at me).
I don't drink orange soda because it's hideously bad for you. So I feel like, if I'm going to drink something that's so chock-full of glucose, I'd rather drink something I kind of enjoy instead of something that feels like a horrific knock-off of the real thing.
Chug Straight Sugar
Might as well, right? Look, there's a reason they give you the specially formulated glucose drink (mainly for issues of precision in measurement) but at the same time it's like, "Can't we just eyeball it and I eat the equivalent amount of straight sugar? Pixie sticks? Rock candy? Literally anything that's not that joyless syrup from the depths of pregnancy hell?
Shake Hands With Freddy Krueger
Because you're going to get so many pinpricks on your fingers over the course of this horrible test. At least with Freddy it's all over and done with in one go. Plus, you get a pretty cool story out of it. "Yeah, I shook his hand. Hurt like hell but, you know, how do you not go up and say hi to Freddy Krueger when you see him out in the wild? Really nice guy, actually. Super down to earth, not at all like you see him in the movies. Like, yes, I'm sure he's very interested in murdering the teenage children of the parents who killed him, but I saw him at the dog park with his labradoodle and kids and he just seemed really chill."
Take Up Cross Stitching
I tried it as a kid and constantly pricked my fingers. I lost interest, but I feel like if I took it up now, even though I would still prick my fingers a stupid amount, there are so many kickass patterns that I would be able to make.
If I'm going to get stuck with a needle over and over, I feel like I should have a dainty handicraft at the end of it, you know?
Go On A Meditation Retreat
If I'm just going to sit in a waiting room for hours and hours I'd rather be somewhere where that all that quiet waiting can help me attain a higher plain on consciousness.
Get Yelled At For Something Non-Glucose Related
No matter how this test turns out, you feel like you're getting yelled at for your choices. You didn't take the drink at the right time, or you didn't remind the nurse you needed to be tested at the right time (because that's on you, apparently), or you're only here taking the three hour test because of something you did during the one hour test (because that's how gestational diabetes works) and, you know what? Yell at me for literally anything else, because it would be less of a pain in the ass (and fingertips!) than all this.
Get A Tattoo
Again, if I'm going to get jabbed with needles I'd like to get something pretty out of it, and I have a whole lot of tattoo ideas. Incidentally, many of them would take under three hours!
Hey, anyone know if there's a way to get my medical insurance to cover a tattoo? Curious minds want to know.
Watch The Director's Cut Of 'Lord Of The Rings'
Fellowship of the Ring runs three hours 48 minutes, The Two Towers goes on for three hours 55 minutes, and The Return of the King clocks in at over four hours. I could watch any one of those movies in less time than it takes to do this stupid test. And I have! And I would again, because those movies are fun and has early 2000s Orlando Bloom, which makes the high schooler in me happy.
Just About Any Activity That'll Interrupt This Stupid Test
That's probably the biggest annoyance about this awful endeavor: it eats up a huge chunk of your day, during which time you can eat nothing! So you have to take off work, possibly arrange for child care, and then make up for whatever it is you were supposed to be doing and, well, it just throws off a lot of well-laid plans. And either you pass the test and you've done the whole thing for nothing, or you fail and it's a terrible prelude to having to watch everything you put in your mouth for the next few months.
So no matter what I had on my calendar that day, I'd rather do that then this rotten diagnostic. Go kick rocks in flip flops, glucose test.
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.