I used to think there was nothing sexier than a pregnant woman. Plumped up boobs, the graceful curve of belly, the serene glow of a woman who knows her body is doing something miraculous. Then I got pregnant. It's not that pregnant women stopped being sexy, but I'd seen behind the curtain. I now have personal memories of the downright unsexy side of my pregnancy. It's like thinking sex on the beach is really hot until you have sex on a beach and realize it's just sandy and uncomfortable. There are things no one will tell you about pregnancy sex, but I will, for better and for worse, because I feel like past me would have benefited in knowing the truth.
The main take-away, before we even get started, is that when it comes to anything about pregnancy in general, and pregnancy sex in particular and perhaps especially, there is no guarantee one way or the other. There are trends, common joys and complaints, but everything you hear and its opposite will be true for someone. Every body is different, and so everybody's experience is going to be unique. What one person finds sexy, another person finds off-putting. That's the beauty of the world, right? There's no "one way," no "right way," and no steadfast rule when it comes to what is or isn't sexy.
That being said, in the grand scheme of things, most bodies function in basically the same ways, so there's a lot to learn from the experiences of others. So, without further ado, I give you The Truth About Pregnant Sex. Buckle up: this is both horrifying and pretty damn awesome.
You Might Be More Sensitive
If you are, thank your increased blood volume and flow. It makes all of your fanciest bits more engorged (both north and south of your equator). Like everything else in pregnancy, it's not a guarantee that you'll be more easily aroused, but your odds aren't bad and if you swing it, it's the bee's knees. And so, my dear pregnant friends, may the odds be ever in your favor...
That "Second Trimester Horniness" Is Not A Guarantee
Don't get me wrong: this happens. Some people delightedly rollick about like a couple of horny college freshman who just found out the health center gives out free condoms and dental dams. I wish them all the joy and humping in the world. (And hey: you don't have to worry about getting pregnant!)
For many more, the promise of nausea-free sexiness is what powers them through the horrors of the first trimester; it's the Sugarcandy Mountain of pregnancy. So I hate to take away that hope, but I can assure you it doesn't always happen. Sometimes the queasy lethargy of the first three months spills into, frankly, the rest of the pregnancy. Other times it's not that things ever get bad, it's just that they just don't magically get amazing, either.
Your Vagina Might Smell Weird
Vaginal scent is already a topic that makes many women anxious, so hearing "Hey, guess what? The smell of your vagine is going to get stronger and maybe funkier!" is potentially mortifying. However, I told you I was going to keep it real with you folks and that's just a distinct possibility, what with all the hormone changes and all.
But guys, for real? It's so normal and not a big deal. Besides, you are almost certainly going to be the only one to notice (barring certain intimate situations) and your heightened sense of smell is going to make it seem like a bigger deal than it is.
You Might Need To Invest In All The Lube, And There's Nothing Wrong With That (Or You)
Most women will experience more vaginal lubrication during pregnancy (which, coupled with the real possibility of increased sex drive, will be awesome for you). An unlucky few, however, will experience just the opposite. In both instances, hormones are the cause.
So go ahead, lift an angry (or joyful) fist to the sky and scream "HORMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONES!" The good news is we have lube for that, so just stock up and you should be fine. You can also go ahead and let out a good-natured laugh at your uncooperative vajay, or even give it a clever nickname, like The Kalahari or something.
You Might Have Some Really Weird Sex Dreams
Weird pregnancy dreams are commonly reported among expectant mothers. From experience, no matter what you're dreaming about, it is all just way more vivid than dreams usually are. This sucks if you're having a nightmare, but if you're dreaming about a three-way with your two favorite celebrities? Nice.
You Can Have A Great, Sexy Time Getting Creative
For any number of reasons, certain sex acts might be off the table for you while as your baby is baking. Maybe you're usually super into penetrative sex but you're just not feeling it. That's OK! It doesn't mean all intimacy is out of the question and it doesn't mean that something is "wrong" with you. Expanding how we look at intimacy and what "counts" as sex can help couples during pregnancy (and beyond) find fun ways to connect. Of course, getting off together is certainly another added bonus.
No, Really, Your Partner Won't Bump The Baby's Head
Don't flatter yourselves, dudes. In addition to the fact that you are, statistically, probably not all that huge, even if you are there are a number of protections fetuses have against your mighty member, including but not limited to; the cervix, strong uterine walls, a bubble of amniotic fluid surrounding them, and the mystical magical physics of angles, which divert your dick away from where they're chilling. You won't hurt the baby. Trust.
Random Pains Can Be Normal
So remember when I said you could have increased sensitivity and that might be awesome. Well, that increased sensitivity might just be awkward, uncomfortable, or even downright painful. While extreme, persistent pain warrants a visit to your care provider, obnoxious twinges of pain can be totally normal because pregnancy can seriously, seriously blow sometimes.
Your Baby Might "Respond"
Even though penises, fingers, and sex toys are not going to bump into the baby, the fact of the matter is that your baby may well feel — how to put this delicately — the motion of the ocean? All that activity may cause your baby to kick, roll, or wiggle.
Yes, this can look and feel really creepy and unsettling while you're in the middle of getting laid. However, and rest assured, your little one has no idea you're getting it on. To them, it's simply external stimuli, no different than, say, a particularly rigorous prenatal Zumba class. So, bang on, good people.
It Gets Awkward AF
There are no two ways about it. I'm sorry to say this, but as you move along in your pregnancy, your center of balance is off, everything is shifting and hormone-laden, and it's really quite difficult to move at times, much less move gracefully or sexily. Pregnancy sex can, in fact, be a hot mess and nothing you can do to completely fix it (even if there are a ton of things you can try or can do to make it a bit better). The good news is, in the grand scheme of what I hope will be your long and happy life, nine months isn't that long. So chin up, buttercup! There's a light at the end of this obnoxious, unsexy tunnel!